Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

cms33

duchy wrote: »

So basically your new partner's father and step mother would prefer their daughter to be with a man unencumbered by children living with him .....or hope you and she will have a child and don't want that child to have to "compete" with a resident half sibling?

Or do they just not like you and feel the boy would be better with his Mum

What are their motives ?

Well here is the bit I didn't want to include because I don't want to involve him.... last year me and my wife had a child of our own... unfortunately he has and continues to have lots of issues. He has a rare chromosome abnormality which isn't known too much about. He's had open heart surgery at 6 weeks old, is on oxygen has to be fed by a tube into his stomach... etc... basically has extra needs.. and has a huge part of our focus.
I honestly don't know what their motives are. I do know that my wife and her step mother haven't always hit it off. The step mother is someone who likes to take control of things, the only thing I can think is we haven't included them all of the time wit has my youngest son. So is she feeling left out?... I don't know. Maybe ghe step mother doesn't like and if she somehow poisons my son and then wants to live with the extension, just maybe thinks I will blame the wife and in turn split us up. The only thing I might have come across is a disorder I came across... could be complete rubbish but it nails all of her personality.... it's called histrionic personality disorder....

I am sure though the motives of my ex is to get my son to go back and live with her... and at all costs... even by damaging him...

Mojisola

cms33 wrote: »

Yeah that's pretty much it.. my son is lovely however there is a huge difference in my son when I take him to his mums on a Sunday to picking him up on a Tuesday.. especially this week he has been just nasty and awful, he's not a nasty child.

Each week is ghe same story.. it's a constant circle..... comes home nasty then steady mellows becomes normal towards the weekend and then goes back to his mum... and then start over again...

It's not a nice way to live, for us or for him.

I would get him to have some sessions with an independent person - does the school have someone suitable or can you pay for some sessions?

He's obviously getting torn between two lots of adults - highly stressful for him. He probably knows that he's happier with you but then these other relations are telling him something different. It must be even more confusing for him that it's your wife's parents who are involved in supporting his mother.

FBaby

Reading between the lines, I expect they feel sorry for him and sees him as a child who isn't receiving enough care and attention. Some grand-parents are like that, some have a point, others don't.

Ultimately, this is a young teenager whose care was taken away from his mum, so there must have been an element of question in her up-bringing and now his father, totally understandably, need to devote a lot of his attention to a sibling.

I do find it very hard to assess how much attention my 13yo need. He comes across as a very independent child and doesn't seem much interested in wanting to spend more time with me or his dad, but I can't help but wonder whether deep inside he does need more attention.

In your case, it would seem that your son has a close relationship with this couple, so maybe he is seeking attention from them by proxy and since they are open to give him plenty, it is working out for him?

Do you get to spend any regular, good quality, one to one time with him?

cms33

I made the decision to not allow my son to see my wife's parents whilst he is in my care... I have explained my position to the ex (his mum), which for some reason said I shouldn't be reading his messages to step parent and seemed fine with it.
Since this.. he has said he wants to go to his mums and extra night.. he was on the phone to his mum this week whilst we were all in the same room... I don't know what was said but all he kept saying was... "yes.. yes.. I'll tell him... " my son come off the phone and said so when I am going extra to my mums, and I need another blazer and trousers for school and my mum doesn't work so can't afford them and you'll have to get them... I buy all his things.. it's just easier, I can't be bothered to have any argument... however I do feel there is no need to be putting extra stress and pressure.
I think if I tried to have a conversation i would be great with great hostility. All of the step parents family have fallen out with her and refuse to talk to her.. even both her kids have moved to Australia.. don't get me wrong on the face of it she's seems a lovely person, but she's a devious an sinister person.

susancs

FBaby wrote: »

In your case, it would seem that your son has a close relationship with this couple, so maybe he is seeking attention from them by proxy and since they are open to give him plenty, it is working out for him?

Do you get to spend any regular, good quality, one to one time with him?

I was wondering the same. My neighbour has a child with SEN and a teenage daughter obtained support one day a week from a carer so that she can do "fun things" with her as the house revolves around the other child (who is lovely and never complains)

OP, are the other grandparents on the scene i.e. wifes Mum (not just step mum), your own parents and ex's (child's mum) parents? If so, what is your sonh's behaviour like with them?

cms33

I have spoke to the school... explains my concerns... made them aware of the detail in the text messages and said I should probably go to social.. they didn't have any major concerns about him at school apart from a couple of detentions but couldn't tell me what they were for.. teacher wasn't sure.

Yes each week we spend some quality time... some weeks more some slightly less. We go to the gym.. cinema.. football.. have a kick about with a football.. even shopping now and again as he's getting into like clothes which all kids go through as some stage..
I constantly tell him I love him, even when he's a little sod.

*max*

I can't get my head round your new partner's parents knowing your ex, let alone socialising with her. Is is a very small community you live in? And why on earth do they even have a say in your own son's life? They are not related to him, and you've only been with your partner at most 3 years! They shouldn't be involved in your son's life at more than acquaintance level. This whole set up is very...unusual!

cms33

susancs wrote: »

I was wondering the same. My neighbour has a child with SEN and a teenage daughter obtained support one day a week from a carer so that she can do "fun things" with her as the house revolves around the other child (who is lovely and never complains)

OP, are the other grandparents on the scene i.e. wifes Mum (not just step mum), your own parents and ex's (child's mum) parents? If so, what is your sonh's behaviour like with them?

I think his mood or behaviour can be mixed like it can be with me... I can instantly tell if he's in a good mood or if we're in for fireworks when I pick him up from his mums.. just wish they'd stop pressuriseingredients him and stop talking about things that shouldn't matter to a 13 y/o... we don't talk to him about he said she said and all of the hassle because he doesn't need it. I just him to have a happy child hood.. go play with his mates or have laugh with us doing whatever.

Andypandyboy

I think your wife needs to have a frank talk with her relatives. It is not their place to be befriending your ex, it is disloyal to their daughter and to their new grandchild, as any upset spills over to them.

She, not you, needs to find out why they are doing it, and ensure it stops.

I will add a caveat here, all that is unless they have grounds for thinking your son is being neglected or pushed out by the needs of the new baby and that they are acting unselfishly out of alutruism.

You sound like a decent bloke, you will know deep down if that is the case.

The rest sounds typically13 year old, playing parents off against teach other and being moody and stropy. You have to separate the two issues. Talk frankly to your son, tell him how worried you are, and that you can't stand by if this stirring is causing him problems. Ask him how he feels, are there some things he is worried about. It could be that he is worried about the baby, it could be he is jealous of the baby, either emotion can mean he is off kilter and acts out.

cms33

*max* wrote: »

I can't get my head round your new partner's parents knowing your ex, let alone socialising with her. Is is a very small community you live in? And why on earth do they even have a say in your own son's life? They are not related to him, and you've only been with your partner at most 3 years! They shouldn't be involved in your son's life at more than acquaintance level. This whole set up is very...unusual!

I think it's very weird... at first I was all acquaintance kind of level... they pushed for sort of grand parent level.. but since then slowly got completely out of control... and I knew nothing about till them going to Australia to visit step parents kids last October... my mum said to me why does step parent an my son have these "chats".. my mum says is she trying to be his social worker or something... at that point I asked her directly if my son had any problems etc... she said I would be the first to know if there was although step parent had been telling my mum other things that say different..