Concerns for 13y/o son - am i over reacting

Mojisola

cms33 wrote: »

I have spoke to the school... explains my concerns... made them aware of the detail in the text messages and said I should probably go to social..

So have you taken this further?

duchy

How much attention did your son get from you prior to his half sibling arriving and now?

I think it is pretty natural that other family members would want to pick up any shortfall and bearing in mind even the nicest 13 year old only tends to see the world from their own viewpoint their understanding of the home dynamic may be a little distorted alternatively they may just feel that you are spread too thinly and both children would get more attention if your son lived with his mother.

It isn't their place to manipulate the situation but their motive might be misguided rather than anything else. Just a thought. I'd be finding things to take your son to on days he's supposed to see them and gently pull the relationship back to a more appropriate standing. It's not hard to find things a 13 year old would do more than visit old people ....but it's also possible he is feeling neglected by you and they are filling a void. My younger brother was born with severe health problems and with hindsight I felt very confused and unhappy at the time my parents had to devote to him and I was just expected to understand .....but the reality was I didn't really understand and felt horribly rejected ..maybe your son does too......Any new sibling changes things but one with extra needs even more so.

cms33

Mojisola wrote: »

So have you taken this further?

I have tried to contact the social worker who work on our case... unfortunately no reply as yet.. probably will have to ring the local office but suppose they will be closed till Monday

cms33

duchy wrote: »

How much attention did your son get from you prior to his half sibling arriving and now?

I think it is pretty natural that other family members would want to pick up any shortfall and bearing in mind even the nicest 13 year old only tends to see the world from their own viewpoint their understanding of the home dynamic may be a little distorted alternatively they may just feel that you are spread too thinly and both children would get more attention if your son lived with his mother.

It isn't their place to manipulate the situation but their motive might be misguided rather than anything else. Just a thought. I'd be finding things to take your son to on days he's supposed to see them and gently pull the relationship back to a more appropriate standing. It's not hard to find things a 13 year old would do more than visit old people ....but it's also possible he is feeling neglected by you and they are filling a void. My younger brother was born with severe health problems and with hindsight I felt very confused and unhappy at the time my parents had to devote to him and I was just expected to understand .....but the reality was I didn't really understand and felt horribly rejected ..maybe your son does too......Any new sibling changes things but one with extra needs even more so.

If I'm totally honest.. my 13yo probably doesn't get quite as much attention as before.. but he still gets a good chunk of my time and we try to include him in as much as possible.. but saying that he also sees his friends slightly more too..
I think in a normal grandparent role it is natural for them to take up a bit of slack.. but this ishould hardly normal, they are refusing to speak to us... any of us.. even my mum has been dropped like a stone. The only one the step parent contacts is my son.... usually anything from 2-6 messages a day.. more if they get into a conversation.. her messages are usually essay length... not the normal "hi how are you"etc...

FBaby

she said I would be the first to know if there was although step parent had been telling my mum other things that say different..

So what is she telling your mum?

cms33

She's been telling all sorts apparently... a huge amount of character assassination on my wife which at first my mum started to believe before realising what was going on... fortunately as a family myself and mum and rest of family have always talked... good job.

Apparently the step mother was telling my mum that my son would be leaving my house and had left a number with my mum to ring social when this happened.... why didn't she say anything to me?... in front of my mum she was telling my son that if things get tough in any way at home he should leave and go to her or grandma.... this im completely dumbfounded as at that time my son hadn't shown any sign of unhappiness at all.... apparently step mother was taking my son on holiday to Australia when she goes next year for 3 months... don't know who was/is paying.. I actually can't remember half of the things she was saying about my son..

duchy

SHE says your son is going to live with his Mum

SHE is initiating essay length texts

Frankly most 13 year olds are going to get fed up with essay length texts pretty quickly.

I think you need to sit down with your son and really talk to him about what is going on instead of listening to second hand hearsay.
Approach it from the - Lots of things seem to be changing and I'm getting told all kinds of things and I want to hear from you what you want....not what other people say you want......Maybe he's at an age he'd rather have a 50/50 arrangement living between yours and his Mum's and with you having so much on doesn't know how to tell you ......or maybe he's fine with how things are and wishes some people would butt out ....or maybe he simply doesn't know and would appreciate someone listening to him rather than telling him what he should do........

duchy

cms33 wrote: »

If I'm totally honest.. my 13yo probably doesn't get quite as much attention as before.. but he still gets a good chunk of my time and we try to include him in as much as possible.. ..

But does he get one on one Dad time ?
Going to the pictures, bowling, football etc
It's not a criticism I know how exhausting it can be both physically and mentally with a disabled LO with health issues.

Mojisola

cms33 wrote: »

Yes each week we spend some quality time... some weeks more some slightly less. We go to the gym.. cinema.. football.. have a kick about with a football.. even shopping now and again as he's getting into like clothes which all kids go through as some stage..

duchy wrote: »

But does he get one on one Dad time ?
Going to the pictures, bowling, football etc

Sounds like he does.

duchy

Mojisola wrote: »

Sounds like he does.

But you aren't the OP - and I was asking about one on one time eg without partner and baby present. Unless you are the OP how would you know ?