How do you know when to give up?

KRB2725

Reading some of the posts on this thread highlights why there is still so much stigma around mental health issues.

I hope that those who have the luxury of thinking it is the 'in' thing to have never have to go through it or see someone you love disappear into a shell of themselves as a result of it.

Yes it will be incredibly difficult for the OP's husband to be living with someone with mental health conditions, but it is not an excuse to behave in the way he is.

gingerbread_cat

Hi,
I moved out in January after being married for nearly 20 years. I went on the freedom program (someone has linked to it above, but I don't know how to do it), and had some advice from womens aid. I took our son (14) with me. I have severe bipolar so I understand how hard it is living with MH issues.
Although I'm pysically exhausted and just about getting through the day, I'm mentally so much more at ease. We were treading on eggshells all the time, and now we are relaxed.
I thought we would be skint (we are actually better off, ex is an alcoholic). We have a tiny house and the athmosphere is so light its just bliss. I had help from work colleagues who have been amazing, but also my mum (who I haven't seen much of for years) has been absolutely amazing too. She's picked up DS a few times for me, cooked me lots of dinners, phones to check I'm ok, bought me a cooker and has been a real rock, totally unexpected.
Im sorry, this has turned into a ramble about me, I just want you to know that there is help out there whatever decisions you make. Also womens aid are really supportive and the freedom program is a good place to start. They arent about getting you to leave, but about helping you to recognise behaviour patterns.
Best wishes

FBaby

You can't hide behind the fact that you are both feeling absolutely miserable because of you both have no control over your illness and you both seem to have lost optimism that you will find ways to fight it. You are clearly hurting very much, it is all so clear from your posts, but that doesn't take away the fact that so is your husband and it looks like he has reached a point of despair where he cannot seem to be in a position to provide you with the support you want from him. Worse, his sense of helplessness, mental exhaustion and despair at not being able to help you is turning into anger, which in turn seems to be turning into aggression.

The reality is that he probably doesn't fully comprehend how your illness is affecting you, but you probably also don't totally understand what it feels like to be in your husband's shoes.

There are no miracles. Either you somehow get better and you can return to a more normal husband and wife relationship, or your husband somehow finds the strength to support you and puts his needs aside, however longer it takes, or you both accept that you are doing more harm to each other than good by staying together and are better off going your separate ways.

It really isn't a contest and as a reader of your posts, I feel equally sorry for both of you.

Gigervamp

No, he has no excuse for his actions, which seem to have been going on for a while.

I've been having to deal with my husband's untreated depression for the last 3 years, on top of my terminal cancer, and I have never acted like OP's husband has.
I love my husband. I could never do those sort of things to someone I loved, no matter how frustrated they made me feel.
And if my children were still small, I'd never manipulate them or shout at my OH with them there.

This mans actions are abusive. Pure and simple.

PeacefulWaters

How many of this list of 30 apply?

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.