How do you know when to give up?

FBaby

Your marriage is dead, has been for a while and by staying together, you are destroying each other a bit more each day. It sounds like both are staying with each other because of fear of leaving, or maybe duty.

The reality is you are both totally unhappy and it brings the worse in both of you. He is clearly extremely frustrated and this comes out in anger burst, which probably makes him feel terrible afterwards. You suffer from a complete lack of self-esteem, which makes you emotionally dependent on him, which in turn makes you feel even worse when you get the end of his frustration. There is no trust left at all on both side of your marriage and little respect.

However scary the prospect of moving on might be, it is what you need to do. You need to find yourself again, realise that you are a great person who can do things for yourself. The more you do, the more your confidence will grow, the happier you will be.

PeacefulWaters

BBH123 wrote: »

I just see a man very unhappy and under huge pressure lashing out where he can tbh.

It's all very well for everyone saying oh he's an abuser so get out.

But look at the other side of the coin , he is the sole breadwinner working full time because he has to pay every single bill, he comes home from a hard days work to a depressed wife who can't look after the kids , no sex life / intimacy or warmth . Probably no fun in the marriage at all.

Can't really blame him for lashing out , he sounds like he is in the pits of despair and who wouldn't be with all that to cope with .

If he was truly the evil / lesser person he would have walked out ages ago , a lot of men would .

All this depression / anxiety carp thee days seems very 'trendy ' if you were on your own you would have to cope , unless you were going to sit around on benefits and be no role model to your kids you'd have to get if sorted . Stop perpetuating this I can't function thing and take some responsibility for your families happiness.

My advice , get talking and improving family times for all of you .

One of the worst posts ever.

duchy

You're single aren't you :rotfl:

Seriously with that kind of attitude I sincerely hope you are !!

What utter tripe !

BBH123 wrote: »

I just see a man very unhappy and under huge pressure lashing out where he can tbh.

It's all very well for everyone saying oh he's an abuser so get out.

But look at the other side of the coin , he is the sole breadwinner working full time because he has to pay every single bill, he comes home from a hard days work to a depressed wife who can't look after the kids , no sex life / intimacy or warmth . Probably no fun in the marriage at all.

Can't really blame him for lashing out , he sounds like he is in the pits of despair and who wouldn't be with all that to cope with .

If he was truly the evil / lesser person he would have walked out ages ago , a lot of men would .

All this depression / anxiety carp thee days seems very 'trendy ' if you were on your own you would have to cope , unless you were going to sit around on benefits and be no role model to your kids you'd have to get if sorted . Stop perpetuating this I can't function thing and take some responsibility for your families happiness.

My advice , get talking and improving family times for all of you .

[Deleted User]

I don't see why one person has to be responsible for a families wellbeing and happiness , there are two adults here and both have a part to play IMO .

Demonising and apportioning blame on one person will not resolve the issues in a family .

The thread is clearly the demain of the woman's brigade but it doesn't hurt to look at the needs of everyone in the family and at the moment it's very one sided , in reality we haven't a clue about this family or the issues within it we only have one persons perspective and all the people saying ' leave him, abuser , wonans aid etc etcetc may be persuading a vulnerable woman into leaving a marriage that with a bit of counselling and mutual support could be salvageable .

duchy

With respect- What utter B0llocks ! (and the word iis domain not demain btw)

Screaming abuse at a partner for ten minutes straight , throwing coins at them ,refusing a spouse access to their own inheritance is NOT normal behaviour regardless of any provocation. That isn't lashing out it's abuse - without even addressing some of the things said to the children. Either this person is abusive or they have MH issues .

Perhaps in your world a woman with PND is "asking for it" when it comes to domestic abuse (which appears to be when this all started) but to rational people it isn't. A bully is a bully regardless.

BBH123 wrote: »

I don't see why one person has to be responsible for a families wellbeing and happiness , there are two adults here and both have a part to play IMO .

Demonising and apportioning blame on one person will not resolve the issues in a family .

The thread is clearly the demain of the woman's brigade but it doesn't hurt to look at the needs of everyone in the family and at the moment it's very one sided , in reality we haven't a clue about this family or the issues within it we only have one persons perspective and all the people saying ' leave him, abuser , wonans aid etc etcetc may be persuading a vulnerable woman into leaving a marriage that with a bit of counselling and mutual support could be salvageable .

LannieDuck

BBH123 wrote: »

I don't see why one person has to be responsible for a families wellbeing and happiness , there are two adults here and both have a part to play IMO .

Demonising and apportioning blame on one person will not resolve the issues in a family .

The thread is clearly the demain of the woman's brigade but it doesn't hurt to look at the needs of everyone in the family and at the moment it's very one sided , in reality we haven't a clue about this family or the issues within it we only have one persons perspective and all the people saying ' leave him, abuser , wonans aid etc etcetc may be persuading a vulnerable woman into leaving a marriage that with a bit of counselling and mutual support could be salvageable .

This lady had PND, before which she wasn't depressed. Her family were worried about the relationship from the start. That suggests that her depression is a result of, and not the cause of, the problems.

Her OH has:

* Taken her savings and put them in her name. Becomes aggressive when she questions it (throws things at her).
* Isolated her from friends and family.
* Demeans her in front of the children.
* Is emotionally manipulative towards the children ("you love her more than me")
* Tells her to kill herself
* When she does go out, monitors how long she's out for


And did you miss the post where he was trying to tell the psychiatrist that OP's depression was made-up?

Imp

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

One of the worst posts ever.

I have to admit that, on reading the original post, my first reaction was the same as Jamiehelsinki and BBH123.

[Deleted User]

For those of you shouting me down all I will say is you only have one side of the story, how do you know what is being said is a true reflection of what is happening . IMO you cannot tell someone to leave their partner based on a forum thread.

LannieDuck

BBH123 wrote: »

For those of you shouting me down all I will say is you only have one side of the story, how do you know what is being said is a true reflection of what is happening . IMO you cannot tell someone to leave their partner based on a forum thread.

I didn't tell her to leave - I suggested she speak with Women's Aid. They'll be in a much better position to assess whether there's abuse going on than we are.

PeacefulWaters

If somebody had a broken leg you wouldn't be telling them to get off their backside and walk to the shops.

Ignorance of depression and how to support somebody with the condition is no excuse in this day and age. The internet is an excellent resource to assist the OP's other half. And also the ridiculous "pull yourself together" posts above.

The OP has been brave in posting. She has also been brave in reaching out to family. Support in taking the next small steps matters.

Yes, we only have one side of the story. But taking it at face value the OP's partner is clearly abusive and unsupportive. Narcissistic behaviour won't change.