How do you know when to give up?

Anon324543

I will try to keep this brief, have been with my husband for 11 years, we have 3 kids.
We have always had a very rocky marriage. Unfortunately I have spells of depression and anxiety, which can be very hard for him to cope with. Past year or so our sex life is no existent, mainly due to a serious health condition of mine (plus the depression I expect) and due to my pushing him away.
His way of dealing with this I have found over the past few years is to talk to women online, very hard to see if it's innocent or not. He's very secretive, uses his phone out of sight and never puts it down. There have also been a few occasions where he stepped over the line with woman at work...anyway I digress. He feels this is due to how miserable I make him. I can't figure out how to explain how low I feel. But I fear things may have come to a head. A minor argument a few days ago, he was picking one all day. Lead to him telling me he hates me, I'm a crazy (expletive) he wishes he never met me, can't I just leave him and the kids so they can be happy. The children were present through this and my youngest said, you shouldn't say that to mum. He just told her I was a !!!!! and I deserved it.
I said nothing throughout the 10 minute screaming fit and afterwards he told me to leave him alone and not speak. Naturally I was upset, but when he saw me crying his response was, that I'm being a drama queen. I spent all day alone as he encouraged the kids to ignore me. He's acting like the happiest person on the planet. I feel so small.
I'm sorry I said I wouldn't ramble and I have. So. Question, when do you know it's time to call it a day? I am in the midst of depression so I am wary of any decisions I make but I fully understand that my mental health is affecting them all. Any advice welcome

sweetilemon

Didn't want to read and run. To be honest I'm not in the best personal position for giving advice at the moment but I will try to some extent. I think there's a few issues a in the same post here.

Depression and anxiety - are you seeking help with this? If not I suggest you speak to your GP.

Emotional abuse - belittling and calling you names, especially in front of your children and encouraging them to do the same is not acceptable. You need to make this clear to him this will not be tolerated. If you feel it is unsafe for you to bring this up or remove yourself and children from this behaviour please seek advice from woman's aid.

Relationship - every marriage is different and it's down to you if talking to woman online is something you are willing to accept. However by you suggesting he is overstepping the mark I get the impression you would like him to stop. Could you maybe go on date nights together to bond again and gradually discuss and agree acceptable boundaries?

When to call it a day? If you feel you or your children could be in danger please seek advice from woman's aid immediately. If that is not the case it is up to you if you feel you or your children's mental health is suffering or if you would be happier with or without him. If you are uncertain if it's your depression could you talk to a counsellor? It sounds like you are unhappy as things are so some sort of change needs to happen it's just for you to gauge at what extent.

Good luck for the future.

Anon324543

Thanks for replying .
I am taking medication for depression and anxiety and have been for years, just unfortunately have flare ups every so often, which seem to coincide with one of his online events.
I don't mind (and why should I) him speaking to anyone online or offline, my problem comes with the lying and deleting, it means he's hiding something. Or maybe it's as he claims he deletes because I over react.
I think they would be happier without me here. I doubt I would be happier. But at the minute the atmosphere is awful, they are ignoring me, it's like I'm invisible. Making plans, going out today and leaving mum as she's in one of her moods. I really had to fight hard today not to pack my things and just disappear. I honestly think it would be days before they noticed.

hollydays

This is very manipulative and mentally abusive. Trying to turn your kids against you is one of the things abusers do. Also making you feel his unreasonable behaviour is your fault is another. Don't put up with this. You deserve better.
.please get some support from women's aid as soon as you can.

harrys_nan

Please talk to Women's Aid asap.
This is abuse, you cannot help your depression, he can help his attitude.
You are being treated through your doctor. Your husband treatment towards you is not helping you.
Please do not leave you children.

PeacefulWaters

Did your anxiety and depression start after you met him?

Anon324543

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Did your anxiety and depression start after you met him?

Yes, although it started as PND after my first child was born. This is another cause for arguments, he tells the children I didn't love them when they were born because I went mad...
I do feel he plays on the depression. I understand it can't be much fun living with me at the lowest times. I have been suicidal and it must be horrible. But I am doing everything I can to get better and he just won't see it.
I have also said some hurtful things, the last time I found out he was messaging women I gave him the wedding ring back. He acted like he wasn't bothered but I still don't think I'm forgiven.
This morning he is angry because he has to drive everywhere. My licence was surrendered due to a noth health complaint. He hates being my taxi. I do get the bus as much as I can but for some reason this is the argument today ( we aren't even going anywhere)

PeacefulWaters

Anon324543 wrote: »

Yes, although it started as PND after my first child was born. This is another cause for arguments, he tells the children I didn't love them when they were born because I went mad...
I do feel he plays on the depression. I understand it can't be much fun living with me at the lowest times. I have been suicidal and it must be horrible. But I am doing everything I can to get better and he just won't see it.
I have also said some hurtful things, the last time I found out he was messaging women I gave him the wedding ring back. He acted like he wasn't bothered but I still don't think I'm forgiven.
This morning he is angry because he has to drive everywhere. My licence was surrendered due to a noth health complaint. He hates being my taxi. I do get the bus as much as I can but for some reason this is the argument today ( we aren't even going anywhere)

He's unsupportive, lining up other women and abusive. What's in it for you?

restless6

Your OP reads as if you blame yourself for the relationship problems and you 'make' your husband feel like this etc .....

You cannot 'make' anyone feel a certain way, you are not a magician. His feelings are under his control, not yours.

He sounds nasty and I think it would be better for you AND your kids not to live with him right now to be honest.
Easier said than done though, I know.

Mojisola

Anon324543 wrote: »

Yes, although it started as PND after my first child was born. This is another cause for arguments, he tells the children I didn't love them when they were born because I went mad...

I understand it can't be much fun living with me at the lowest times.

It can be much fun for you living with a man who says things like this!

Anon324543

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

He's unsupportive, lining up other women and abusive. What's in it for you?

I didn't mean to make him sound so bad, he is a very good dad. Very hands on. When I'm very ill I'm almost useless in every sense and he steps in and looks after the children. He pays all the bills, the mortgage, everything, as I'm too ill to hold down a job. (Although I do have savings, but they are in his account)