How do you know when to give up?

Imp

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

If somebody had a broken leg you wouldn't be telling them to get off their backside and walk to the shops.

Ignorance of depression and how to support somebody with the condition is no excuse in this day and age. The internet is an excellent resource to assist the OP's other half. And also the ridiculous "pull yourself together" posts above.

The OP has been brave in posting. She has also been brave in reaching out to family. Support in taking the next small steps matters.

Yes, we only have one side of the story. But taking it at face value the OP's partner is clearly abusive and unsupportive. Narcissistic behaviour won't change.

Indeed, but there seems to be a huge level of ignorance surrounding the fact that mental conditions can be as harmful to those around the person with the condition as they are to the person themselves. They need support too, but there is even less support for them than for the person with the condition.

[Deleted User]

So now you can diagnose narcissism from an internet thread based on a person you don't know and have never met .

Well I'll bow to your superior skills to mine.

Btw read up on narcissism ? Nothing the OP has described about her husband is indicative of a narcissist .

Why is it that someone saying they have depression / anxiety seems to negate them from the normal attributes expected of a caring sharing relationship .

FBaby

I totally understand where BBH is coming from. Indeed, it's easy to expect people to be superhuman and cope non only supporting the family emotionally, financially and psychologically, without physical intimacy and somehow accept that this may be their fate for the rest of their lives.

The worse part is that supporting someone with such needs is draining in every way. When you've given all you can to help but can't see any good coming out of it, you start to feel that totally ignored. All discussion is about them and any attempt to get some support yourself is dwarfed and that inevitably leads to frustration, resentment and finally such anger that sometimes can even lead to aggression (verbal or worse physical).

Ultimately, when you get there, there is no other way but to go. OP seems extremely self-aware of the situation and this is so sad. The only way things would get better is if you could find some positive energy to take the initiative to do something that would make you proud of you so that your confidence could grow and then your sense of independence with it.

You BOTH deserve better.

FBaby

If somebody had a broken leg you wouldn't be telling them to get off their backside and walk to the shops.

When someone break their leg, they are expected to take small steps towards walking again. That's called physio. Physio sessions can be extremely painful, but people who want to walk again have to go through it to get better. Walking to the end of the room can be a massive achievement to someone seriously hurt. Of course, you could tell them that they never will need to do so because others will always bring everything to them, but that wouldn't really help them in terms of independence and self-esteem.

I see depression/anxiety very much the same. To get better, you have to face your demons, however slowly you need to do so.

hollydays

Imp wrote: »

Indeed, but there seems to be a huge level of ignorance surrounding the fact that mental conditions can be as harmful to those around the person with the condition as they are to the person themselves. They need support too, but there is even less support for them than for the person with the condition.

This is guesswork?
I'm sure many of the posters , if not all, who have said " contact women's aid" have experience of not just domestic abuse but mental health issues too.

Please return op , we are concerned about you

hollydays

FBaby wrote: »

I totally understand where BBH is coming from. Indeed, it's easy to expect people to be superhuman and cope non only supporting the family emotionally, financially and psychologically, without physical intimacy and somehow accept that this may be their fate for the rest of their lives.

The worse part is that supporting someone with such needs is draining in every way. When you've given all you can to help but can't see any good coming out of it, you start to feel that totally ignored. All discussion is about them and any attempt to get some support yourself is dwarfed and that inevitably leads to frustration, resentment and finally such anger that sometimes can even lead to aggression (verbal or worse physical).

Ultimately, when you get there, there is no other way but to go. OP seems extremely self-aware of the situation and this is so sad. The only way things would get better is if you could find some positive energy to take the initiative to do something that would make you proud of you so that your confidence could grow and then your sense of independence with it.

You BOTH deserve better.

I am proud of the op. Amazing she's had the courage to post

Mojisola

Imp wrote: »

Indeed, but there seems to be a huge level of ignorance surrounding the fact that mental conditions can be as harmful to those around the person with the condition as they are to the person themselves. They need support too, but there is even less support for them than for the person with the condition.

If the OP's partner had posted about the relationship problems he was experiencing because of her depression, he would have had plenty of support and sympathy (it can be very difficult to live with someone with any longterm health problem, physical or mental) and be given advice.

I doubt anyone would have suggested that he do any of the things that the OP has said he has done.

Anon324543

I'm sorry I have not posted. I'm in a very dark place at the minute. Thankfully the children are on holiday from today with their grandparents so I can withdraw as it were.
I just want to thank everyone. Whether I agree with your opinions or not I appreciate the input.
I understand the pressure I put on my husband but please believe me, everything I can do to get better Ido. Counselling , behaviour therapy for my anxiety., I never miss a psychiatrist appointment, I keep diaries. At the extreme end I have been sectioned and had ect treatment.
My mental health is not a case of feeling a bit down, or a bit blue. But for those of you who think it's now an in thing to have depression or anxiety I hope you never experience the true depths.
Anything I may put my family through and for which I am extremely sorry, is nothing in comparison.
To be so low you feel the only way out is to end it and to have the man you love and who should love you, tell you to hurry up and do it. I'm sorry but for me, anything I have done to kill this marriage he has matched.
Tonight for instance. I have spoken with my mental health nurse, explained my current mood. My husband knows this , he has gone out, to a "friends" ( a woman he works with, who according to him is pretty, more intelligent, funnier...everything I'm not) my medication is not to be left with me, it's locked away and given to me. Before he left he threw it all at me, all the boxes and left. I may have stressed him, not given him enough sex or affection. But I would never treat another person this way.
When I'm stronger and if I make it to the other side of all this, maybe he won't only see weakness.

Again thank you all. Just being able to talk has been helpful

Anon324543

BBH123 wrote: »

I just see a man very unhappy and under huge pressure lashing out where he can tbh.

It's all very well for everyone saying oh he's an abuser so get out.

But look at the other side of the coin , he is the sole breadwinner working full time because he has to pay every single bill, he comes home from a hard days work to a depressed wife who can't look after the kids , no sex life / intimacy or warmth . Probably no fun in the marriage at all.

Can't really blame him for lashing out , he sounds like he is in the pits of despair and who wouldn't be with all that to cope with .

If he was truly the evil / lesser person he would have walked out ages ago , a lot of men would .

All this depression / anxiety carp thee days seems very 'trendy ' if you were on your own you would have to cope , unless you were going to sit around on benefits and be no role model to your kids you'd have to get if sorted . Stop perpetuating this I can't function thing and take some responsibility for your families happiness.

My advice , get talking and improving family times for all of you .

I'm really sorry. I'm not usually a rude person. But what a crock of bullsiht.
If I were on my own I would probably be dead as no one would have stopped my numerous suicide attempts. My children would Without a mother. But hey my husband would be less stressed!
You know nothing about mental illness. Nothing. And your tripe is an insult to those of us who fight and struggle daily.
Thank you though. People like you ignite the fight in me.

harrys_nan

Please do not stay away from this thread, there will always be somebody on here to listen to you. You may think your alone but as much as pple on here can be, we are with you.

Please keep talking to us, take and look after yourself