How do you know when to give up?

meer53

I think it's time to give up now. How will you ever stop the depression whilst being abused like this ? It's a vicious circle, you can break it.

Tell him you'd like him to look for somewhere else to live as soon as possible. If you can't do this for yourself, you have to do it for your children.

hollydays

Anon324543 wrote: »

The savings are as good as spent, he wants us to buy a new car ( despite me not driving and him hating driving me anywhere)
My family are all very distant now, for years he's made sure we don't go near anyone but his family, and if I'm painting my husband in a bad light I won't start on his beloved mother. So no. I'm on my own entirely. Apart form the children. My eldest sticks up for me, he will often say when he's a grown up I will live with him and he will look after me. I know the feel awful when they are told to ignore me. But they have no choice. He goes into moods with them too. "You love your mum more than me, I might as well leave"

As already said , all the signs of an abuser.
At the moment you are thinking you've maybe " over-egged it"' and we have the wrong end of the stick.
Alienating you from any support is classic abusive behaviour .

hollydays

Just a small section from " Living with the Dominator":
" The Goodfather treats us with respect, affection and admiration in front of the children. He will insist they do the same.He supports our decisions. For example, if we say it's bedtime he will back us up...He is good-humoured , pleasant and consistent. He is responsible for his own behaviour and admits to being wrong. He tells the truth. He is a good role model"


Op , I'm also guessing he's told you " you couldn't cope without me"?

KRB2725

There are huge red flags all over your posts. Please, when you are alone, speak to Women's Aid. They will help you.

jamiehelsinki

Hi

You sound a bit like my first wife, she had bouts of depression and little interest in sex although the first one usually leads to the second. I doubt the talking to other women online is innocent but he's basically looking for something that's missing in his life, I did similar. In truth our marriage was probably dead for 2 years before I left her. Regarding depression you need to tackle it head on. Try and cut the bad bits out of your life, eat healthy, walk lots, a few times each day if you can. Get out and do things you enjoy. I have been on the forum a while, rarely post and couldn't log in.

balletshoes

Anon324543 wrote: »

They are estranged. They hated him for the start and I made my bed as far as they are concerned. I was only at the service for my dad's funeral, I didn't go to the wake. So I'm not flavour of the month. Unfortunately, at the time the children were little and he was looking after them and gave me a time to be home. It was made clear if I left not to return.

OP you are a mother. If, even after a long time estranged because of a family feud, one of your children contacted you and said they had a serious problem and they needed your help now, what would you do? Don't discount your family now, get in touch and ask for their help.

Anon324543

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

Hi

You sound a bit like my first wife, she had bouts of depression and little interest in sex although the first one usually leads to the second. I doubt the talking to other women online is innocent but he's basically looking for something that's missing in his life, I did similar. In truth our marriage was probably dead for 2 years before I left her. Regarding depression you need to tackle it head on. Try and cut the bad bits out of your life, eat healthy, walk lots, a few times each day if you can. Get out and do things you enjoy. I have been on the forum a while, rarely post and couldn't log in.

I'm appreciative of all the advice I have been given and have sent my sister an email today to see if contact can be re established. But I have to respond to this.
Walking? Eating healthy? I have been on the verge of suicide, unable to function past breathing. Whilst this may help once your moods are controlled it does seem to belittle what for me has been a decade long fight.
Lack of sex, due to the fact I'm ill. But also i don't particulary want to be intimate with someone who would rather I got on with killing myself than inconvienanced his work night out.
Not much makes me angry, but your post has.


Thank you to everyone. Today I gave busied myself, I'm not playing the game of desperately trying to be in his good books. I can't win. I will await a reply from my family. Continue improving my mental health and hopefully one day be strong.

duchy

Anon324543 wrote: »

I didn't mean to make him sound so bad, he is a very good dad. Very hands on. When I'm very ill I'm almost useless in every sense and he steps in and looks after the children. He pays all the bills, the mortgage, everything, as I'm too ill to hold down a job. (Although I do have savings, but they are in his account)

So he's such a good Dad who tells their kids that their mother didn't love them when they were born - and exposes them to him screaming abuse at you ? What exactly would he need to do to be a "poor Dad" rather than "a very good Dad" in your eyes ? He's emotionally abusing them too as well as you. A "very good Dad" would never try to make a child think a parent didn't love them.

Why are your savings in HIS name ? Whose idea was this ? If they are in HIS name then how are they YOUR savings? If you DID leave do you honestly believe he'd allow you access to those savings......or tell you they are in his name so tough ?

I agree you should be talking to Women's Aid for support. This sounds like an abusive situation and they can help you.

duchy

Anon324543 wrote: »

The savings are as good as spent, he wants us to buy a new car ( despite me not driving and him hating driving me anywhere)
My family are all very distant now, for years he's made sure we don't go near anyone but his family, and if I'm painting my husband in a bad light I won't start on his beloved mother. So no. I'm on my own entirely. Apart form the children. My eldest sticks up for me, he will often say when he's a grown up I will live with him and he will look after me. I know the feel awful when they are told to ignore me. But they have no choice. He goes into moods with them too. "You love your mum more than me, I might as well leave"

So he has already taken your inheritance and is refusing to give it back

He is also trying to emotionally manipulate the children - I wonder what he'd do if one of them agreed with him that they do love you more and he should leave.

[Deleted User]

I just see a man very unhappy and under huge pressure lashing out where he can tbh.

It's all very well for everyone saying oh he's an abuser so get out.

But look at the other side of the coin , he is the sole breadwinner working full time because he has to pay every single bill, he comes home from a hard days work to a depressed wife who can't look after the kids , no sex life / intimacy or warmth . Probably no fun in the marriage at all.

Can't really blame him for lashing out , he sounds like he is in the pits of despair and who wouldn't be with all that to cope with .

If he was truly the evil / lesser person he would have walked out ages ago , a lot of men would .

All this depression / anxiety carp thee days seems very 'trendy ' if you were on your own you would have to cope , unless you were going to sit around on benefits and be no role model to your kids you'd have to get if sorted . Stop perpetuating this I can't function thing and take some responsibility for your families happiness.

My advice , get talking and improving family times for all of you .