I thought about posting this anonymously

Toomuchdebt

but decided someone would probably work out who I was anyway so am just posting it as me.

So my ex has been hanging around for a few months and talking about getting back together with me and I thought we could make this work but we can't. He kept trying to convince me to let him move in but I never agreed thankfully. Came close a few times mind you when he was convincing me he'd changed etc. Basically he's a drunk and aggressive with it. He has a full time job but come Friday when it's payday the first thing he does is buy alcohol. He then drinks all weekend finishing Sunday night and goes to work hungover or drunk still. He earns decent money but drinks it all by Sunday and then has nothing left for diesel or food or anything else. I've lent him money in the past and he hasn't given it back so I am not lending him anything now.
In the 9 years I have known him(we were together for 5) his personal hygiene has become worse and worse to the point where he now never brushes his teeth and stinks and has dirty hands etc And last weekend I told him he wasn't allowed in my house anymore even to see the kids because of all this.
So he's been sleeping in his car outside my house. He doesn't have anywhere else to go because he's been kicked out of where he lived for the trouble he caused by being drunk and playing loud music. He was actually talking to a potential landlord today outside my house at 1pm and was supposed to go there at 3pm but by the time I got home(at 6pm) he was totally drunk and sat in his car smoking and drinking.
His car(actually he has 2) so both his cars are off the road for one problem or another so he can't even drive anywhere. People from work have been giving him lifts to work but I expect they're going to get fed up of that very soon. He's going to lose his job and have nothing.
I don't even feel sorry for him anymore. We have 2 children together and he's not a great father. He doesn't spend time with the kids or pay for anything for them. It's got to the point where social services are involved and will be visiting once a week to see how things are because I've had to call the police on several occasions and also he has had trouble with his other relationships. I suspect they will say he can't see them. And when he's drunk he won't even care.
Today was the last straw. He knocked at the door and started talking rubbish and badmouthing me. He started calling me names, calling me fat, laughing at me saying that I couldn't get in the bath. Everytime I would go back in the house he would bang on the door or window so hard I thought it was going to break so I would go back outside. He kept drinking throughout this and if anyone walked past he would ask them what they were looking at or insult them. I was scared he was going to start a fight.Eventually about 20 minutes ago I decided I wasn't going to go back out and if he broke the glass I would call the police. He's gone now but I know he'll be back in a few hours banging on the door and windows again.
I'm sick of this. I don't deserve this do I? The social worker last week told me it was domestic abuse and I didn't believe her but it is isn't it? I'm not a horrible person and I'm not lazy when I can't do things, it's because it's painful. I'm not ugly and disgusting and a cow and everything else he called me. I don't want to type it here. I don't deserve to be treated like dirt do I? I don't have to let my children watch this going on.
I feel guilty even now because I remember how sweet he was when I met him and how loving he was and I feel stupid because he started drinking 3 months into the relationship and then cheated on me when I was 5 months pregnant and then again when my youngest was 11 months old and I should have kicked him out as soon as he started drinking and being aggressive but I didn't and now I feel like I've wasted the last 9 years. I've waited and waited for him to change and he has only got worse and worse.
I need to stay strong now and not let him back in to my life. Not let him sweettalk me and promise me he will change and stop drinking and give me all his money and help pay for things. He won't. He will do exactly the same as he always does. Drink himself stupid the entire weekend and then start sobering up and apologising. I won't let him back in. I've told him he needs to move his cars because if he doesn't I will sell them(I can't park my car on my driveway because he's put his there for over a month while he's been 'trying to repair them'...every time he's called the mechanic and organised the repair he's drunk the money away.
The social worker asked last week what I get out of this"relationship"...I couldn't answer her. I don't get anything. I don't get love. I don't get affection. I don't get help. I don't get financial help.
What I do get is insults and threats and his belongings in my front porch and all over the driveway. Can I just get rid of his stuff? I never gave him permission to leave any of it here in the first place. It's in bags in my front porch at the moment. The whole porch smells.
Please no judgment. I just need to know I'm not stupid and I am worth more than this. I am aren't I?

He's back and banging on the door...I don't know what to do...I don't want to go outside. I'm just going to ignore him.

Ms_Chocaholic

Hi

I didn't want to read and run. No, you're none of those things he says and you're not stupid, he is being cruel and manipulative.

Can you call the Police when he comes back, or maybe it's best to call them now and tell them what happened earlier and you are worried it'll happen again later.

Do you have anywhere else to go tonight/tomorrow, could you sneak out of the back door with the children to avoid the stress this is causing you?

Is the house jointly owned, if so, I'm not sure you can get rid of his stuff. If the Police do call though you could maybe ask them to give it to him (though not sure whether they will or not).

Ms C x

Toomuchdebt

No the back door just leads to the garden and then to the gate which is at the front of the house. I'm worried social services will take the children away if I call the police. I'm just ignoring him when he bangs on the window. I think he's sitting in his car now.

ETA no the house isn't jointly owned. I rent it myself and he's never lived here.He just dumped all his stuff in my porch when he got kicked out.

mum2one

I dont want to read and run, but u need to call the police, ur a victim of domestic abuse, abuse isnt just with the fists its verbal as well.

You have to put the children first... xx

Ms_Chocaholic

I've PM'd you Toomuchdebt

piglet25

This is mental cruelty, he is hoping to break you down so you relent and let him him. He is trying to make you feel worthless because that is how he feels, phone the police and get him moved on. You don't need this leech and neither do your children xx

mellymoo74

Call the police toomuchdebt he's worn you down and is trying to complete remove your resolve.

They won't remove your children, the social worker was trying to help you see its domestic abuse (he doesn't have to hit you for it to be domestic abuse )

Toomuchdebt

It's quiet outside now. He's either fallen asleep in the car or gone somewhere else. I don't want to look outside and check.

KRB2725

This is not a fair way for you or your children to be living. Call the Police when he comes back.

duchy

On Tuesday call your local police station and ask to speak to the domestic abuse team.

Once the Police are aware of the domestic abuse situation they WILL move him on and make it clear he can't sleep in his car outside your house. It may be worth letting them know his car may not be roadworthy too btw.

Just remember that if your best friend was going through this you'd be telling them that no they don't have to put up with his carp - and that he's the one with problems....and then be your own best friend

Toomuchdebt

The cars are both on my driveway and neither are driveable. He says the police can't do anything because they're not on the road and that he can sleep where he likes.