No children at wedding

cadon

Person_one wrote: »

I think the OP is marrying a woman.

I'm not sure why this has become a thread about children vs no children at weddings. Despite the slightly misleading title, the OP said right at the beginning he wanted to invite children he is close to, just not all the children of everyone invited.

Apologies, I didn't spot that. Future wife then! The sentiment still stands, I think the OP and his bride should have the day that they want. If that involves not inviting any children - or only inviting a select group of children - that's their prerogative.

People get so huffy over weddings, but they should be about celebrating the couple and reflect that couple's wishes.

Peter333

cadon wrote: »

Apologies, I didn't spot that. Future wife then! The sentiment still stands, I think the OP and his bride should have the day that they want. If that involves not inviting any children - or only inviting a select group of children - that's their prerogative.

People get so huffy over weddings, but they should be about celebrating the couple and reflect that couple's wishes.

Agree totally. I have known many families fall out over weddings, and some people who have no contact with half of their extended family, due to certain family members not being invited to a certain other family member's wedding.

One person I know has a brother and a sister. Her brother has 3 daughters and her sister has 2 daughters and a son. So the sister and brother and nieces and nephew were invited, and so were the spouses of the sister and brother. Then there's her parents and grandparents. Then there was her husband's siblings and nieces and nephews too, and his parents and grandparents. Also around 10 close friends and their partners. Around 35-40 in total. She also has 5 aunts and 5 uncles and 11 cousins; and they have around 20 kids between them. But she didn't invite the aunts, uncles, and cousins, and second cousins. Her partner didn't invite his either.

If she had invited the 5 aunts and 5 uncles and 11 cousins and their 11 partners and the 20-odd kids they have between them, it would have been another 50 people. And that was just HER family; it could have been an extra 100 with her partner's extended family. So they both left out all the aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and all the partners etc...

Many of them don't even acknowledge them any longer, because they weren't invited... It's pathetic. People think they have a right to be invited. Her and her partner hardly even know half of them; they have much closer contact with close friends, and that is why these friends were invited, and not the distant cousins...

FBaby

But everyone thinks like that. Children are like farts, - everyone else's are smelly and awful, but your own are ok.

I don't think so. There are some of my friends' kids who are think are extremely well behaved and I wouldn't hesitate having them over for a week-end (or a wedding), but there are some who however much I adore my friends, I would rather immigrate than look after their kids for more than a couple of hours.

The main issue I have when it comes down to kids is unnecessary noise. I can't stand kids who scream and shout and talk non stop demanding attention and won't stop until they get it. I am amazed at the number of mums who faced with such a disturbing child will stop their conversation and address themselves to their child with a 'yes darling, what is it that you want, I am trying to have a conversation. Oh I see, you want a glass of juice, sorry darling, I didn't mean to ignore you, I'm going to get you one right away'.

Andrew_Ryan_89

Cunninglinguist wrote: »

I had a cousin who behaved like that but she was ESN. And her mother wasn't very assertive.

But kids are one thing, I've got very limited patience with adults who behave like that, and there's plenty of them about :cool:

Tell me about it. My girlfriends sister got married last year and had about 500+ people in attendance. I am not the most socially active person but how can you possibly know 500 people that well? Anyways, the wedding reception was plagued by constant talking - Through the dance and the speeches. Why can't people be quite for 5 minutes? Literally could not hear a thing.

Another wedding I went to, people kept entering the church late. I mean constantly throughout the ceremony, every 5 minutes someone walked in and adults, on THREE occasions, never turned off their phone which interrupted the ceremony even more. What made it worst is that there was no more than 7 people at the ceremony and people were turning up when it finished and we were outside taking pictures!

sulphate

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

Update: Invites have gone out and a couple people (cousins) are not happy and won't be able to attend because their children can't. It's made me even more confident in my decision to have no children. Makes you see peoples true colours. I am pretty sure that given 3 months notice people can find a baby sitter. Another one, who has a partner, is not coming. Why can't you just leave the kids with him?

I totally understand why you don't want a lot of children at your wedding. It's your day after all and you deserve to have the one you want.

However, you have to understand that if you choose not to invite children you will have to swallow the simple fact that some parents will choose not to attend your wedding based on this. Accept it and don't get !!!!y about it. When we got married, we invited children so didn't have this issue but a few people declined because they couldn't get the time off work (and we got married on a Saturday). Did it bug me? No, not at all and I certainly didn't moan on a forum about how it showed their "true colours".

My 16 month old has so far only ever been looked after by his parents or grandparents. If he was not invited to a wedding and both sets of grandparents were unavailable for babysitting, then either myself or my husband would stay at home to look after him. But if, say the couple were a friend of mine and we had no mutual friends then neither of us would go because I have no interest in going to a wedding alone when the only people I would know are the couple getting married when I could be spending the day with my family. Yes, we could find a babysitter - but I don't want the first time for my son to be left with a stranger for it to be for the whole day and evening. My child will always be my main concern and, therefore, I'm afraid attending a childfree wedding isn't going to be the top of my priority list.

Jagraf

sulphate wrote: »

I totally understand why you don't want a lot of children at your wedding. It's your day after all and you deserve to have the one you want.

However, you have to understand that if you choose not to invite children you will have to swallow the simple fact that some parents will choose not to attend your wedding based on this. Accept it and don't get !!!!y about it. When we got married, we invited children so didn't have this issue but a few people declined because they couldn't get the time off work (and we got married on a Saturday). Did it bug me? No, not at all and I certainly didn't moan on a forum about how it showed their "true colours".

My 16 month old has so far only ever been looked after by his parents or grandparents. If he was not invited to a wedding and both sets of grandparents were unavailable for babysitting, then either myself or my husband would stay at home to look after him. But if, say the couple were a friend of mine and we had no mutual friends then neither of us would go because I have no interest in going to a wedding alone when the only people I would know are the couple getting married when I could be spending the day with my family. Yes, we could find a babysitter - but I don't want the first time for my son to be left with a stranger for it to be for the whole day and evening. My child will always be my main concern and, therefore, I'm afraid attending a childfree wedding isn't going to be the top of my priority list.

This makes sense - people have their own priorities.

I only wish that some other people with chikdren would realise that brides and groom have different priorities and usually 'other people's children' is not one of them.

onlyroz

Jagraf wrote: »

I only wish that some other people with chikdren would realise that brides and groom have different priorities and usually 'other people's children' is not one of them.

The issue is not whether it's OK for brides and grooms to say "no kids" at their wedding (of course they can - their wedding, their choice).

And the issue is not whether it's OK for people to decline an invite if they find the conditions too restrictive (of course they can - if you can't get the childcare, or if you can't afford to go, or whatever, then you'll have to decline).

The issue is over people on both sides getting mortally offended over somebody else's choice.

So if you don't want kids at your wedding then you need to fully accept that some people will decline, and you mustn't get offended if they do. And if you're invited to a wedding with a "no kids" stipulation then you need to accept that this isn't necessarily a personal slight against you or your kids.

Jagraf

onlyroz wrote: »

The issue is not whether it's OK for brides and grooms to say "no kids" at their wedding (of course they can - their wedding, their choice).

And the issue is not whether it's OK for people to decline an invite if they find the conditions too restrictive (of course they can - if you can't get the childcare, or if you can't afford to go, or whatever, then you'll have to decline).

The issue is over people on both sides getting mortally offended over somebody else's choice.

So if you don't want kids at your wedding then you need to fully accept that some people will decline, and you mustn't get offended if they do. And if you're invited to a wedding with a "no kids" stipulation then you need to accept that this isn't necessarily a personal slight against you or your kids.

I absolutely agree. however, I have mostly experienced people saying "my children are part of my family and if you don't invite them we are not coming" rather than just saying "sorry we can't come". My ex husband had that three times in his family - someone's 21st, someone's wedding and a christening. The children still weren't invited though.

onlyroz

Jagraf wrote: »

I absolutely agree. however, I have mostly experienced people saying "my children are part of my family and if you don't invite them we are not coming" rather than just saying "sorry we can't come". My ex husband had that three times in his family - someone's 21st, someone's wedding and a christening. The children still weren't invited though.

Again, you need to accept that such a response is a choice, and is not always a personal slight against your invite. Some families are joined at the hip and it is incomprehensible for them to attend events separately. So you need to be prepared for such families to turn down invites where the whole unit is not invited. They are not necessarily saying that they are mortally offended and will never speak to you again.

I do agree, though, that some people do take personal offence and would consider a "no kids" rule as a personal slight. You have to accept that this might be the case, but you might also be better off excluding such sensitive people from your social circle in any case.

In the case of weddings, I don't personally understand why you would want to exclude children (i.e. the ones young enough to require childcare if they were not invited). My view is that a wedding is the bringing together of two families, and children are integral to that. However, if I received a "no kids" invite I would respect the wishes of the bride and groom without complaint. I would most likely decline the invite, though, because in most cases it wouldn't be practical for us to leave the kids in the care of others for so long.

BarryBlue

onlyroz wrote: »

The issue is not whether it's OK for brides and grooms to say "no kids" at their wedding (of course they can - their wedding, their choice).

And the issue is not whether it's OK for people to decline an invite if they find the conditions too restrictive (of course they can - if you can't get the childcare, or if you can't afford to go, or whatever, then you'll have to decline).

The issue is over people on both sides getting mortally offended over somebody else's choice.

So if you don't want kids at your wedding then you need to fully accept that some people will decline, and you mustn't get offended if they do. And if you're invited to a wedding with a "no kids" stipulation then you need to accept that this isn't necessarily a personal slight against you or your kids.

I think that is a fair assessment of the situation. As you say, it's up to the couple what they want to do as it's their day. Likewise, it's up to those they invite to decide whether they wish to attend or not.

Over the years we have declined more wedding invitations than we have accepted. Nothing to do with kids though. We just prefer to do other things. I find that they are usually tedious occasions with lots of standing around, invariably mediocre food, plus silly gimmicks like wishing wells and chocolate fountains. There is no need to make it a big deal, of course. You just say that unfortunately you cannot make it, then send a card with your best wishes.