What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

jellie

He has been in a relationship with you for 8 years, so presumably he's been separated from his wife for longer than this.

Aside from the fact that he has not divorced yet, why is he even still in contact with her? They have no children to discuss and don't live nearby, so no need to either speak to or see each other at all. But yet they do.

DdraigGoch

Maybe they're actually friends? 22 years is a lot of history...

I can understand your concerns, but if he drops you for her then he's just returning to being her husband full time. I agree that you should support him through this, but maybe it's time for him to get divorced or you to move on? If he doesn't get divorced after she recovers, then you know your position - not his first concern. You may be happy with that, but it sounds as if you're not and that him not being divorced and putting you first is a big deal for you. So, maybe you should support him wholeheartedly now and, if there is to be a "later" for you with him then maybe it's time to put your foot down for your own protection. "Divorce or leave"

seven-day-weekend

meritaten wrote: »

Sorry, but if you are in a 'long distance relationship' I fail to see how you can refer to him as your 'partner' considering he is still married and obviously not living with you. sorry to be blunt but to me you sound more like his 'bit on the side'.

'Had he got around to divorcing her'................speaks volumes. if he was that keen on being with you, then he would have got the divorce ASAP. you come up with the lamest excuses for them not divorcing I have ever heard.

I think this has shown you where his heart truly lies - and it isn't with you.

I am sorry, but you have knowingly carried on this 'relationship' with a married man for EIGHT years and still think he will marry or be committed to you? I don't think so and I think, deep down, you know it too.

I am so sorry to be blunt - but you wanted opinions and this is what I think. I feel sorry for you, you love this man and I can see that you hoped the divorce would happen and he would commit to you. Sorry.

Absolutely. I was wondering when someone was going to say this.

OP, you are not his partner. His legally married wife, whom he has not divorced and with whom he spends most of his time, is.

He is not going to divorce her or he would have done so by now.

Break the relationship and move on.

FBaby

I guess I'm assuming that if he has strong feelings of attachment, he would have reconciled with her by now

Unless it is her who didn't want the reconciliation.

I must admit that I don't fully understand why he has to be there when she doesn't even know he is there....he's obviously doing that more for himself than her and I can only assume that is because of a past of 22 years that they shared and because she has no one else

I think deed inside, you're issue is that you are worried that there are feelings left and these feelings could lead him back to her. You seem fine with the status of your relationship and indeed, there is nothing wrong with it at all if you are both happy with it, but you don't want to lose it either. If indeed it is a case that the marriage broke down because she wanted out and he never really stopped loving her, there could be the concern that in her state of weakness, she might want his support and even love back and he could go for it.

Frankly I think the situation will be a make or break deal for you as you will finally know exactly where you stand. Yes, you could lose him if the above is true, but that would have meant that your relationship was only second best for him and if that is the case, however painful it is, it will be better for you to know and to finally move on.

tea_lover

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I have already run a simulation on this and I would have nothing but compassion and empathy if it were a family member or close friend. This leads me to believe that I am naturally insecure because it is his 'wife' and someone who he has shared 22 years with. It also leads me to think that maybe I feel a little dis-respected as I have suggested he visit every other day but he insists that he needs to be there every day until she is out of danger. Perhaps it's more the fact that he disregards my thoughts and opinions He asks me to try to understand that that this will pass and we will soon get back to normal, but I don't think it will and I don't think that's the point really

She's not his 'wife', she's his wife.

seven-day-weekend

So, this woman who he has been married to for 22 years and is STILL married to, is in a coma and you expect him to put YOUR needs first?

Just be realistic, you are an add-on to his life, not the main part of it.

You are best rid of this toxic relationship.

peachyprice

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The distance is 2 1/2 hours and we see each other usually every other week but sometimes in the week too. I have no qualms or worries about him not being as estranged as he portrays....I can call him anytime, we skype, we talk on the phone every night, meet randomly mid-week if we can and we go away with his siblings a lot so I have no worries at all in that area.

I think you have far more worries than you are letting yourself believe. I'm sure his wife can say exactly the same as you. They're just as likely to skype as you, they're just as likely to speak on the phone every night, he's just as likely to spend time with her family as you spend with his, he's only an hour away from here so it's likely he sees a lot more of her than he does you, whether he admits that to you or not.

You really need to take the blinkers off and realise that the devotion he is now showing her isn't coming from a sense of duty/guilt, it's because he cares, because they have a relationship that in all likelyhood is stronger than the one you have with him, a 30 year relationship at that. You may believe they parted 8 years ago after 22 years together, but neither of them seem to. Their relationship, from what you have written seems to be far more 'can't live together. but can't live without each other' than your relationship does. I doubt if you made him choose that you would win.

Mojisola

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

From my point of view, I enjoy the fact that we meet up and do interesting things and really look forward to seeing each other and I've been wary of losing that amongst the mundane activities of grocery shopping and picking up underwear off the bedroom floor and fighting for the remote.

But last August you said "I have come to the end of my tether as I feel very insecure in this relationship and at my time of life, I deserve more (we are both early 50's)."

That didn't sound as if you were enjoying the situation.

Ophelia_10

ok, it seems opinions are very divided on this, ranging from leave him so he can be with his 'wife' to support him through this difficult time.

I will maintain the 'wife' as it is in name only, prior to this and I don't have any worries about any secret life or anything like that so don't want to waste time down that avenue. Situations are rarely black and white and he is very much separated and I'm confident of that.

As I've explained, they have no kids and she has no family, so he has helped with certain things which I haven't minded as there for the grace of God go I....or anyone for that matter.

This thread wasn't about the divorce thing, as I've done that to death previously, but about the current situation and frequency and involvement at the hospital and me trying to find the balance between being compassionate for another person and getting my thoughts and feelings considered too.

I thank everyone for sharing their point of views and will pop back on later to answer any relevant points I might have missed :-)

seven-day-weekend

I mentioned this thread to my husband, and he said, 'no, she's not in a coma, nor did they split up eight years ago, that's just his cover story because his wife has found him out'.

Food for thought, Ophelia?