What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

Ophelia_10

Found myself in a tricky situation :-(

To cut a long story short (those that click my history will soon get the long version lol), I have been in long-distance relationship with my partner for 8 years now but he has never 'got around' to divorcing his wife.

Sadly, his wife had a seizure on Saturday and is in ICU with suspected encephalitis. I feel very sorry for her as this looks like a very serious condition which has a long road to recovery (if at all). She has been in a medically induced coma since admission.

My problem is....as sorry as I feel for her, my partner spent all day Sat with her, same on Sunday and has visited every evening after work since (an hours drive). I personally think this is too much for what would be an 'ex' had he got around to divorcing her. She didn't want the divorce and hasn't really moved on.
He says she has no one else as she has no family and only a couple of friends and he needs to continue visiting until she is out of danger.

I worry that he is far too involved and has jumped straight into 'devoted husband' role and she will quickly come to rely on him. If she recovers, she will need a lot of long-term rehab work and if/when discharged, a fair amount of support at home. I feel that he is placing himself in this role already :-(

I told him that I don't expect him to be heartless, but this bedside vigil of an ex who is unconscious anyway is too much and that she is his past and I am his future, and that I am uncomfortable with him visiting every single day but he just repeats that he needs to be there until she is out of danger.
It won't be just till then tho....I know he will feel he has to help with the long-term rehab and supporting her at home too, which makes the future for us a bit bleak.

Am I being unreasonable and should I show a bit more compassion? I really don't know whether I'm being heartless or he is being far too involved :-(

Thank you

PS. For the history readers....yes, it is still a very long, old story which looks like it will never get resolved now l:eek::o

Izzy8484

It's very simple really. This man has not divorced his wife for a reason. There is also a reason that you have been long-distance for such a long time.

You are just someone he spends some time with. That sort of involvement with an ex partner is usually not normal.

My parents met as teenagers, divorced when I was about 12 so had been together a very long time.

My dad now has terminal cancer and very few friends. My mother called him once or twice and that was it.

pigpen

well... dumped and moved on would be my response.. probably several moons ago but this shows clearly where his loyalties lie and they are simply not with you..

tea_lover

Her recent ill-health hasn't actually changed the situation though has it? The problem isn't that she's ill, it's that you're the other woman.

lika_86

On a best reading of this, he is a compassionate man who doesn't want someone who was a big part of his life to be alone at a terrible time (whether or not she is awake) and unless things were formalised, he is her next of kin and responsible for making medical decisions for her while she can't.

On a worst case reading, he is still legally and emotionally committed and hasn't severed those ties and isn't ready to.

Only you know him.

Ophelia_10

lika_86 wrote: »

On a best reading of this, he is a compassionate man who doesn't want someone who was a big part of his life to be alone at a terrible time (whether or not she is awake) and unless things were formalised, he is her next of kin and responsible for making medical decisions for her while she can't.

On a worst case reading, he is still legally and emotionally committed and hasn't severed those ties and isn't ready to.

Only you know him.

I do think it is the former 'best reading' as I do know him well and do believe he feels a responsibility and duty, rightly or wrongly.
My issue is that there is a balance to be struck between showing compassion for her and making me feel that I am priority (tho' I guess I'm not at the moment) and my feelings are considered in all this.

Loz01

Ugh what a situation to be in - I think visiting all weekend and every night after work IS too much, however friendly you are with an ex. I guess he is fearful she is really seriously ill and its not a situation he can brush aside but his loyalties obviously still lie with her to some degree.

As for the not divorcing part, thats just strange after 8+ years.What is he hanging on for? Also it doesn't seem fair to the ex wife, shes probably thinking they still have a chance!

DigForVictory

In your shoes I'd be having a prompt chat with my lawyer. Just making sure that what's mine stays mine & that the roof over my head stays there no matter where the bloke goes.
Not certain she'll recover sufficiently to be of sound enough mind to divorce him so protect yourself.

I'm all for responsibility & duty, & while he's indulging himself in aren't I the wonderful husband over her unconscious form, he's neglecting you. Which is no way for a responsible, dutiful chap to behave, no matter whom he's married to.

pickledonionspaceraider

OP you clearly feel you have a more important position in his life, than you actually do.

This is black and white for all to see, his priorities do not lie with you.

If you had any kind of dignity you would be backing off and letting him do what he needs to do

Ophelia_10

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

OP you clearly feel you have a more important position in his life, than you actually do.

This is black and white for all to see, his priorities do not lie with you.

If you had any kind of dignity you would be backing off and letting him do what he needs to do

Do you think so? Do your mean for good for just for a while?
This is why I feel a bit stuck, I feel upset at the amount of time he is devoting and yet I feel bad for giving him a hard time about it, when he already has a lot of stress in dealing with this.

Also, if I back off for a while, that may just leave them to get closer (if she recovers) and she will be eternally grateful and they will be bonded even more....him feeling good cos he supported her and helped nurse her back to health and her feeling good cos he clearly cared enough to stand by her....and me?...well....I guess I was just the mardy parter who nagged, or the mardy partner who left and didn't stand by him in supporting his stress??

I'm confused.....:(

DigForVictory

pickled, I'm a tad bemused too. The OP has all the functions of wife without the legal title - should she "surrender" as in step right back out of this relationship & leave the chap to his comatose missus? Lay down her responsibilities both to herself & to him and "swep' off"?

I'm not asking who's keeping whom, but someone has to keep our hero in clean shirts & if he's coming over all sterling spouse then any mistress should at least be courteously dispensed with, and (for bonus points) introduced to a nicer chap whose always admired her and is prepared to get divorced (if necessary) & remarried (see above), to hang onto her properly.

I think it entirely acceptable to prepare to sever the relationship and to ensure that all goods and chattels proper to her stay hers & that she is appropriately recompensed for the time & effort put into her relationship with can't-be-bothered-to-divorce. Currently he's having his espoused cake & devouring his significant other & I think that's out of order.

You seem to think OP's almost as much in the wrong? Yet she's healthy, intelligent & trying to steer a course of grace & courtesy & indeed, dignity, whilst recognising the shoals of not-married expectations & conventions & I laud that effort even as I suspect the chap is unworthy of it.