What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

meritaten

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Found myself in a tricky situation :-(

To cut a long story short (those that click my history will soon get the long version lol), I have been in long-distance relationship with my partner for 8 years now but he has never 'got around' to divorcing his wife.

Sadly, his wife had a seizure on Saturday and is in ICU with suspected encephalitis. I feel very sorry for her as this looks like a very serious condition which has a long road to recovery (if at all). She has been in a medically induced coma since admission.

My problem is....as sorry as I feel for her, my partner spent all day Sat with her, same on Sunday and has visited every evening after work since (an hours drive). I personally think this is too much for what would be an 'ex' had he got around to divorcing her. She didn't want the divorce and hasn't really moved on.
He says she has no one else as she has no family and only a couple of friends and he needs to continue visiting until she is out of danger.

I worry that he is far too involved and has jumped straight into 'devoted husband' role and she will quickly come to rely on him. If she recovers, she will need a lot of long-term rehab work and if/when discharged, a fair amount of support at home. I feel that he is placing himself in this role already :-(

I told him that I don't expect him to be heartless, but this bedside vigil of an ex who is unconscious anyway is too much and that she is his past and I am his future, and that I am uncomfortable with him visiting every single day but he just repeats that he needs to be there until she is out of danger.
It won't be just till then tho....I know he will feel he has to help with the long-term rehab and supporting her at home too, which makes the future for us a bit bleak.

Am I being unreasonable and should I show a bit more compassion? I really don't know whether I'm being heartless or he is being far too involved :-(

Thank you

PS. For the history readers....yes, it is still a very long, old story which looks like it will never get resolved now l:eek::o

Sorry, but if you are in a 'long distance relationship' I fail to see how you can refer to him as your 'partner' considering he is still married and obviously not living with you. sorry to be blunt but to me you sound more like his 'bit on the side'.

'Had he got around to divorcing her'................speaks volumes. if he was that keen on being with you, then he would have got the divorce ASAP. you come up with the lamest excuses for them not divorcing I have ever heard.

I think this has shown you where his heart truly lies - and it isn't with you.

I am sorry, but you have knowingly carried on this 'relationship' with a married man for EIGHT years and still think he will marry or be committed to you? I don't think so and I think, deep down, you know it too.

I am so sorry to be blunt - but you wanted opinions and this is what I think. I feel sorry for you, you love this man and I can see that you hoped the divorce would happen and he would commit to you. Sorry.

kazwookie

Why after 8 years has not got divorced, after all this time even if his wife didnt want one, he could still have divorced her.

You need to get out of this 'being the bit on the side' and dump him

Andypandyboy

He has been having his cake and eating it. Illness has now clarified the situation. He is clearly very emotionally attached to his wife and quite probably feeling remorseful for the last eight years. Life threatening illness has a habit of removing blinkers.

peachyprice

meritaten wrote: »

Sorry, but if you are in a 'long distance relationship' I fail to see how you can refer to him as your 'partner' considering he is still married and obviously not living with you. sorry to be blunt but to me you sound more like his 'bit on the side'.

'Had he got around to divorcing her'................speaks volumes. if he was that keen on being with you, then he would have got the divorce ASAP. you come up with the lamest excuses for them not divorcing I have ever heard.

I think this has shown you where his heart truly lies - and it isn't with you.

I am sorry, but you have knowingly carried on this 'relationship' with a married man for EIGHT years and still think he will marry or be committed to you? I don't think so and I think, deep down, you know it too.

I am so sorry to be blunt - but you wanted opinions and this is what I think. I feel sorry for you, you love this man and I can see that you hoped the divorce would happen and he would commit to you. Sorry.

Nail on the head, 100%.

heavenfire

Are you sure he's actually separated? If you have a long distance relationship how do you know he's not been playing happy families and now that the wife has fallen ill he can't actually get away to spend time with you?

barbarawright

I haven't read your history - had he actually left his wife? Why is it still a long distance relationship?

Ophelia_10

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

You say you're in a long distance relationship? How far apart in time are you from one another? Is it a similar 1 hour away to the amount he's travelling to his estranged wife?

Certainly if it's a similar time that he seems to now be spending with his estranged wife, then it would seem that he certainly has more time for her than you. However if you're literally at other ends of the country then fair enough.

What are the reasons for being long distance for so long? How often do you get to see him? Have you any reason to suspect that the wife isn't as estranged as he's made out?

He obviously has some issues. How long were they together? It's a hard thing to do. One of my ex's in particular comes to mind, I've not spoken to him in over a decade, but if he was in the same position, I'd move heaven and earth to be at his side. I'm happily married with two kids, and I would never dream of leaving my husband. My ex and I would never have worked, we couldn't have worked, but I still care about him and I wouldn't want to not be there to help him if he needed it.

xxx

The distance is 2 1/2 hours and we see each other usually every other week but sometimes in the week too. I have no qualms or worries about him not being as estranged as he portrays....I can call him anytime, we skype, we talk on the phone every night, meet randomly mid-week if we can and we go away with his siblings a lot so I have no worries at all in that area.

Thank you for your comments Annie :-)

jetplane

What's acceptable is different for you, me or another poster. However for 8 years you have accepted a long distance, part time relationship with a man who will not divorce his wife. Do you think continuing your relationship has led him to believe that you have accepted his attachment to her and the relationship on his terms?

I haven't read your history but I assume you know for fact that they are separated and he is not leading a double life? Have you met her?

If you talk to him every night then how can you not clear this up? Do his siblings talk about his wife, can they put some perspective on the situation? Estranged does not describe his relationship with her, 8 years is a long time to ignore the elephant in the room.

Ophelia_10

FBaby wrote: »

Really? Staying all day long with someone who is in a coma and therefore not able to communicate with and who most likely has no awareness that he is there?

Of course you know him and we don't, but what makes you so certain that it is duty rather than feelings of attachment that is explaining his devotion?

I guess I'm assuming that if he has strong feelings of attachment, he would have reconciled with her by now

I must admit that I don't fully understand why he has to be there when she doesn't even know he is there....he's obviously doing that more for himself than her and I can only assume that is because of a past of 22 years that they shared and because she has no one else

Ophelia_10

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Does he have children with his wife, could that be the reason he is maintaining the vigil (as support for the children).

No, no children....which is one of the reasons he feels he has to be there as she literally has no-one