What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

Ophelia_10

theoretica wrote: »

As a thought experiment, how would you expect him to behave, and how would you feel about it, if this were an old friend rather than his wife?

I have already run a simulation on this and I would have nothing but compassion and empathy if it were a family member or close friend. This leads me to believe that I am naturally insecure because it is his 'wife' and someone who he has shared 22 years with. It also leads me to think that maybe I feel a little dis-respected as I have suggested he visit every other day but he insists that he needs to be there every day until she is out of danger. Perhaps it's more the fact that he disregards my thoughts and opinions He asks me to try to understand that that this will pass and we will soon get back to normal, but I don't think it will and I don't think that's the point really

Ophelia_10

meritaten wrote: »

Sorry, but if you are in a 'long distance relationship' I fail to see how you can refer to him as your 'partner' considering he is still married and obviously not living with you. sorry to be blunt but to me you sound more like his 'bit on the side'. That does sound a bit harsh....I don't see myself like that at all

'Had he got around to divorcing her'................speaks volumes. if he was that keen on being with you, then he would have got the divorce ASAP. you come up with the lamest excuses for them not divorcing I have ever heard. It's not my 'excuse', it's his best explanation

I think this has shown you where his heart truly lies - and it isn't with you.

I am sorry, but you have knowingly carried on this 'relationship' with a married man for EIGHT years and still think he will marry or be committed to you? I don't think so and I think, deep down, you know it too.

I am so sorry to be blunt - but you wanted opinions and this is what I think. I feel sorry for you, you love this man and I can see that you hoped the divorce would happen and he would commit to you. Sorry.

I appreciate your input, thank you

theoretica

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The distance is 2 1/2 hours and we see each other usually every other week but sometimes in the week too.

How much is where he is spending his evenings actually impacting on you? Shorter phone calls?

Ophelia_10

barbarawright wrote: »

I haven't read your history - had he actually left his wife? Why is it still a long distance relationship?

Yes, they are living separately an hour away from each other.

I guess the reason it's still a long-distance realtionship is not entirely his fault. We are both independent individuals who enjoy our jobs and our space. From my point of view, I enjoy the fact that we meet up and do interesting things and really look forward to seeing each other and I've been wary of losing that amongst the mundane activities of grocery shopping and picking up underwear off the bedroom floor and fighting for the remote. I haven't lived with anyone for a long time and I guess it scares me to lose the special, exciting feelings with have in exchange for the possible mundane. I know it may not be like that at all and it may be the most, special wonderful thing to share your whole life with someone, but I'm being honest in my reasons for the fact we are not together 'properly' by now. I think his reasons may be similar

jetplane

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I have already run a simulation on this and I would have nothing but compassion and empathy if it were a family member or close friend. This leads me to believe that I am naturally insecure because it is his 'wife' and someone who he has shared 22 years with. It also leads me to think that maybe I feel a little dis-respected as I have suggested he visit every other day but he insists that he needs to be there every day until she is out of danger. Perhaps it's more the fact that he disregards my thoughts and opinions He asks me to try to understand that that this will pass and we will soon get back to normal, but I don't think it will and I don't think that's the point really

Lovely honest post OP and normal will still be the unbalanced situation it previously was. Perhaps this time you're thinking what if she doesn't get better and needs care, where will that leave you? Is there a reason why you haven't moved in together in eight years?

Ophelia_10

theoretica wrote: »

How much is where he is spending his evenings actually impacting on you? Shorter phone calls?

No, to be honest the phone calls are just the same. I think the impact currently is psychological. Perhaps deep down, I am worried that he will build on his attachment to her and their current relationship will deepen. I also feel disrespected because I don't feel my thoughts or feelings on the matter are being considered and he continues to do his daily bedside vigil despite my requests to reduce this.

Ophelia_10

jetplane wrote: »

Lovely honest post OP and normal will still be the unbalanced situation it previously was. Perhaps this time you're thinking what if she doesn't get better and needs care, where will that leave you? Is there a reason why you haven't moved in together in eight years?

Thank you jetplane See my post just before yours for my explanation why I haven't moved in

I am indeed thinking of the future scenarios.....of rehab work that will need to be done, discharge and support at home, the increased worry that she may become ill again...with anything really, but this will be more of a big deal because of this awful illness. He will certainly be worrying more if he can't get hold of her and whenever she snaps her fingers, he will feel more than ever that he has to go running :-(

ognum

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

No, to be honest the phone calls are just the same. I think the impact currently is psychological. Perhaps deep down, I am worried that he will build on his attachment to her and their current relationship will deepen. I also feel disrespected because I don't feel my thoughts or feelings on the matter are not being considered and he continues to do his daily bedside vigil despite my requests to reduce this.

I know nothing about you have not read your history and so clearly can only comment on what you have written here.

Frankly it saddens me that a man who is clearly caring, may be grieving for a passed relationship and is trying his best to give some support to a person he has loved in the past is having to deal with someone who seems to be acting like a spoiled teenager.

Step back, let the man do what he has to do, if his wife dies and you have stamped your foot and used the ugly term disrespect how will he feel about you.

You claim to be scared he may rekindle a relationship, well frankly you are pushing him towards that

Let him do what he feels best not what you believe he should be doing, this is nothing, nothing to do with you. Step back.

Tiddlywinks

There's a big clue as to why he is sitting at her bedside - she's his wife - his WIFE!

He's never been motivated to divorce her - eight years yet no divorce - that's another big clue.

She is still important to him.

justme111

From what you say it is not practicalities of your future life while he cares for her that worry you. If you see each other a few times a month it could continue even with him being with her at other times. You worry the bond will go stronger and there will be no place for you emotionally. Well , with that one chances are slim. She may die, he may not want to dedicate his remaining life to her fully , they may not hit it well enough for him to even want to care for her once she is conscious . And if it happens ut happens, you can not demand feelings to be or not be there. This is short term situation, it's ok not to be priority now. If it affects you tangibly in the future you can always remove yourself from his life in the future gracefully. As it stands it should not as with a few times a month meetings it should not concern you who he looks after. Keep going through "friend test " and you will get your answer each time. I would be very annoyed if someone I am seeing a few times a month tried to dictate me what should I do in my spare time.
That's the answer to your question.
If the situation is that she dropped him and he would have loved to be with her all those 8 years he was with you then that is a different topic. If it is the case you either accept it and don't nag or say bye. It has nothing to do with him being in a hospital now.