What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

FBaby

As I've explained, they have no kids and she has no family, so he has helped with certain things which I haven't minded as there for the grace of God go I....or anyone for that matter.

So let's assume that despite being officially separated and no romantic feelings remaining at all, they get along well enough to have remained in good terms and no bothered with divorcing. Not impossible at all and indeed, this is the situation one of my very good friends is in. They have remained friends, and when she needed surgery and she had no-one else to help (I live to far away) he visited her and helped her with some things.

However, firstly they have a child together, and secondly neither of them have been in a serious relationship. More importantly, there are limits to how involved they are in each other's life. He did visit her in hospital, but he would never have stayed longer than a few minutes, and that is because he was bringing his son anyway, and once because she needed something that no-one could bring.

That's totally different to posting vigil by someone's side. That's what people who love the sick person do. You don't stay for hours next to someone holding their hands out of duty. There are no responsibility attached to that behaviour whatsoever.

In any case, whatever his feelings for his ex-wife, there is one fact you can't deny, and that is that despite telling him how uncomfortable you are about his decision, he is choosing being by her side rather than providing you with reassurance about your relationship. Surely that should be enough for you to realise that you are not #1 in his life?

violettasomerset

He may feel that as the wife has no other family members to look out for her, someone needs to be at the hospital to advocate for her. A family member of mine had encephalitis (though it wasn't picked up nearly as quickly as this lady's), being in hospital for about 9 months in total, plus a number of emergency trips back since, and as a result she was in no position to query the doctors and make sure she was getting the best / most appropriate treatment - luckily she had her husband and children looking out for her, but without them, it is probable that investigations and treatments may not have been so quickly delivered.

However, it could be a long road to recovery (if at all) for the wife and the husband may have to be the one to make sure that she gets suitable care once she is discharged, if there is no-one else to do this - which may mean a care home for her. Otherwise if the husband moves in, even temporarily, to care for her, social services are less likely to assist and he may get "stuck" as a carer, which is really not an easy job. My family member has been left with probably permanant brain damage which means she certainly couldn't live alone, as she needs help with most tasks.

So in this case, the husband may feel duty bound to be there for her while she is still needing the hospital care and someone to look out for her - but the key thing may actually be when she comes out of hospital if she needs permanent care. He may need to consider his financial position as well, if they are still legally married, as he may end up having to pay in part for her care.

toniq

Imho I think he is doing a good thing and if I was you I would be letting him do this as it important to him.

The woman might die, you need to realise he has to live with himself if he wasn't there at the end for her.

Ophelia_10

justme111 wrote: »

From what you say it is not practicalities of your future life while he cares for her that worry you. If you see each other a few times a month it could continue even with him being with her at other times. You worry the bond will go stronger and there will be no place for you emotionally. Well , with that one chances are slim. She may die, he may not want to dedicate his remaining life to her fully , they may not hit it well enough for him to even want to care for her once she is conscious . And if it happens ut happens, you can not demand feelings to be or not be there. This is short term situation, it's ok not to be priority now. If it affects you tangibly in the future you can always remove yourself from his life in the future gracefully. As it stands it should not as with a few times a month meetings it should not concern you who he looks after. Keep going through "friend test " and you will get your answer each time. I would be very annoyed if someone I am seeing a few times a month tried to dictate me what should I do in my spare time.
That's the answer to your question.
If the situation is that she dropped him and he would have loved to be with her all those 8 years he was with you then that is a different topic. If it is the case you either accept it and don't nag or say bye. It has nothing to do with him being in a hospital now.

Thank you Justme - a very intelligent post that I will give some thought to.

DdraigGoch wrote: »

Maybe they're actually friends? 22 years is a lot of history...

I can understand your concerns, but if he drops you for her then he's just returning to being her husband full time. I agree that you should support him through this, but maybe it's time for him to get divorced or you to move on? If he doesn't get divorced after she recovers, then you know your position - not his first concern. You may be happy with that, but it sounds as if you're not and that him not being divorced and putting you first is a big deal for you. So, maybe you should support him wholeheartedly now and, if there is to be a "later" for you with him then maybe it's time to put your foot down for your own protection. "Divorce or leave"

Thank you DdraigGoch - that is also intelligent and a very good plan, I will give this some thought indeed. The only problem is, I have already done the divorce 'foot down' and failed 'cos I gave in so it makes any future 'foot downs' null and void really....or maybe a final foot down, and then leave if no action

Ophelia_10

Mojisola wrote: »

But last August you said "I have come to the end of my tether as I feel very insecure in this relationship and at my time of life, I deserve more (we are both early 50's)."

That didn't sound as if you were enjoying the situation.

I agree mojisola, but I was just trying to explain why the years to date have gone by with no divorce. I did (and do) feel very exasperated at the lack of divorce progress, but I can say in all honesty that it's just been a lot harder to leave someone you love than I thought

Ophelia_10

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I mentioned this thread to my husband, and he said, 'no, she's not in a coma, nor did they split up eight years ago, that's just his cover story because his wife has found him out'.

Food for thought, Ophelia?

Sorry, but that's just silly. I am an intelligent woman who has been around the block a couple of times and beleive me, initially I open to any signs of him not being as separated as he claimed. There has been nothing at all and we have shared A LOT over the 6 years we have been together. I appreciate you are only trying to warn me but I really am not worried about this at all.

Ophelia_10

tea_lover wrote: »

But it's not in name only at all, that's nonsense. It's in law, it's clearly in his emotions, his priorities etc.

He has chosen not to divorce her. After 8 years he could easily have done this whether she agreed to or not. It's actually rather impossible to divorce someone who doesn't want it - there is property involved and she simply woulnd't even engage in conversations about it, let alone sign anything He chose not to, despite your ultimatums. Like he has chosen not to commit to your relationship by living together. I don't think living together necessarily defines the strength of the relationship. You can be very close and committed without having to share a house. He chooses to spend time with her, and he's chosen to drop everything and be with her now she's unfortunately ill.

Can you honestly tell yourself that you are first in his affections, top of his priority list? No, I am absolutely not priority at the moment, but that was my question.....am I being ridiculously soft in allowing myself to be put aside at this difficult time, or should I be standing up for myself and refuse to be sidelined If you were taken ill today would he come running? Good question.....

Don't you think you deserve someone who puts you first?

Yes, generally speaking.....but in these unusual circumstances, I'm really not sure:o

Thank you Tea Lover - some food for thought.

seven-day-weekend

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Sorry, but that's just silly. I am an intelligent woman who has been around the block a couple of times and beleive me, initially I open to any signs of him not being as separated as he claimed. There has been nothing at all and we have shared A LOT over the 6 years we have been together. I appreciate you are only trying to warn me but I really am not worried about this at all.

OK, your business.

Ophelia_10

duchy wrote: »

I'm guessing you've never met this lady . No

Do you and your boyfriend go on holiday together ? (not weekend breaks but proper holidays) Yes

Are you invited to family weddings with him ? Yes

Spend Christmas together ? Yes

Do you attend his work social events ? Yes

After eight years what are his reasons for not wanting to live with you or marry you ? As explained before...some cold feet from me, a wife who won't agree and there is property involved so difficult to go ahead when she won't even discuss divorce, let alone sign any agreements etc.

Why is it only every OTHER weekend you see him ? We both have parents, family and friends and use the alternate weekend to see them as they are important too. And yes, we do sometimes see them together too.

I'm sorry but either he doesn't want a proper relationship -or he has two .

In eight years have you ever being hospitalized or seriously ill. Did he stay by your bedside or just visit every other weekend as normal ? Fortunately, I have never been seriously ill, but I can say that yes, I do think he would stay by my bedside.

He may very well care for you but he also has a relationship with his wife. Presumably you visit him at his home too so you know he isn't living with her there ibut could he be living with her at her home ?....... or does she not want him back fulltime and he has a similar arms length relationship with her that he has with you ?

I dated a man who lived a couple of hours away for over a year .......eventually I discovered that despite spending every weekend and part of most weeks with me -his ex partner with whom he had a child also believed he was in an exclusive relationship with her . I don't even claim to understand the thinking behind it- HE was the one talking about marriage and having a child........Needless to say he was given his marching orders but it does go to show that if something doesn't ring true -it probably isn't and any discrepancies shouldn't be dismissed but looked into without rose tinted glasses.

I appreciate your comments, thank you.

Ophelia_10

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

She is his wife - according to the law. Not just in name only.

If the situation was reversed and he was in a coma, she would be his next of kin not you.

She would be allowed by his bedside and would be able to prevent you from seeing him.

I don't know why you bother posting questions as you have no intention of actually 'listening' to the points made. Sorry you feel like that - I can assure you I have listened very carefully and opinions are very divided so it's clearly not a black & white issue.

No amount of realism from posters on here seems to penetrate your senses - you always come back with a 'yes, but...' answer.

A woman (his wife) is seriously ill and could die - yet all you (his other woman) care about is getting your allotted time - how seedy is that?

I think that's quite unnecessary - I have come on here because I care very, very much about handling this the right way

Thank you for your input.