What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

Ophelia_10

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

I've not caught up with this thread but something else has come to mind to me.

When you're usually apart, as in when you're at home waiting for his Skype call at 8pm or whatever time it might be, do you usually know what he's doing the rest of the day? I'm assuming that you both work 9-5, but presumably therefore after work he's free to do what he wants. Do you expect to know every single thing? Even if you don't, perhaps he's got used to being able to live as he pleases during that time so from his perspective whether he's at the hospital or at the pub makes little difference to you.

You're both effectively living half of your lives as single people. I'm not saying that extends to have trysts with others, I just mean that for 50% of your time, you're not accountable to anyone.

I do think you need to make him aware that you're uncomfortable with him spending that amount of time with her. But is there any way that you could perhaps go and support him too? Would he maybe welcome that you were able to get "women's things" for her? Or even just be there when he gets back from the hospital?

He obviously feels obligated to her, which I can understand. You don't share your life with someone for that long without feeling some connection still. More acutely if you feel that you're the reason that they're now alone. I mean, I'm not asking you to admit anything here, but if he feels that it's his fault that she doesn't have kids, or that she doesn't have a husband because of how he treated her - well then he's going to be extremely conscious of helping her at this time.

xxx

Thanks Annie, your post raises some good points and it's nice to feel that you recognise that you can't share your life with someone for 22 years without some connection still. I can assure you, I was nowhere near when they split up. She was a heavy drinker, and this caused many problems for them.

Thank you for your comments, they have helped.

sheramber

but I can say in all honesty that it's just been a lot harder to leave someone you love than I thought

That seems to apply to him as well.

Ophelia_10

FBaby wrote: »

So let's assume that despite being officially separated and no romantic feelings remaining at all, they get along well enough to have remained in good terms and no bothered with divorcing. Not impossible at all and indeed, this is the situation one of my very good friends is in. They have remained friends, and when she needed surgery and she had no-one else to help (I live to far away) he visited her and helped her with some things.

However, firstly they have a child together, and secondly neither of them have been in a serious relationship. More importantly, there are limits to how involved they are in each other's life. He did visit her in hospital, but he would never have stayed longer than a few minutes, and that is because he was bringing his son anyway, and once because she needed something that no-one could bring.

That's totally different to posting vigil by someone's side. That's what people who love the sick person do. You don't stay for hours next to someone holding their hands out of duty. There are no responsibility attached to that behaviour whatsoever. But what if that person has no family at all to stay by them? Would that situation have been different if your friend had no family ....perhaps her ex would have felt obliged to be more involved and responsible for her then ?

In any case, whatever his feelings for his ex-wife, there is one fact you can't deny, and that is that despite telling him how uncomfortable you are about his decision, he is choosing being by her side rather than providing you with reassurance about your relationship. Surely that should be enough for you to realise that you are not #1 in his life?

I accept I'm not No.1 currently, I'm just unsure if I'm being a martyr or a compassionate woman ???

AnnieO1234

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Thanks Annie, your post raises some good points and it's nice to feel that you recognise that you can't share your life with someone for 22 years without some connection still. I can assure you, I was nowhere near when they split up. She was a heavy drinker, and this caused many problems for them.

Thank you for your comments, they have helped.

Oh good heavens I didn't even think what I said could be interpretted like that! Xxx

Ophelia_10

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Oh good heavens I didn't even think what I said could be interpretted like that! Xxx

oops, sorry Annie....I completely mis-read what you said.
Sorry....am a bit tired

TBagpuss

He has chosen not to divorce her. After 8 years he could easily have done this whether she agreed to or not. It's actually rather impossible to divorce someone who doesn't want it - there is property involved and she simply woulnd't even engage in conversations about it, let alone sign anything

Assuming that you are in England or Wales, no, it isn't. It's perfectly possibly to divorce someone who doesn't want to be divorced, particularly after a separation this long. Of course it's better to be able to communicate and cooperate, but it isn't essential. Even financial issues can be resolved despite an uncooperative spouse.
Now isn't the time to address this with your partner, but if that's what he's saying, he is either mis-informed, or is not really interested in getting divorced.

meritaten

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I accept I'm not No.1 currently, I'm just unsure if I'm being a martyr or a compassionate woman ???

Or a complete idiot? Sorry, but you have this view of YOURSELF which is totally unreal. You see yourself as the 'longsuffering partner of 'He Who Cannot Get A Divorce'.
I see you as the twit who has been the occasional 'pillow friend' of a man who wont sever ties with his wife.

seven-day-weekend

meritaten wrote: »

Or a complete idiot? Sorry, but you have this view of YOURSELF which is totally unreal. You see yourself as the 'longsuffering partner of 'He Who Cannot Get A Divorce'.
I see you as the twit who has been the occasional 'pillow friend' of a man who wont sever ties with his wife.

I'm afraid it appears that way to me too 😞

jetplane

meritaten wrote: »

Or a complete idiot? Sorry, but you have this view of YOURSELF which is totally unreal. You see yourself as the 'longsuffering partner of 'He Who Cannot Get A Divorce'.
I see you as the twit who has been the occasional 'pillow friend' of a man who wont sever ties with his wife.

I think this is a bit harsh Not everyone can have or wants a full time committed relationship, however I agree that after eight years this man is never going to break ties with his wife. OP seems to have accepted this but sometimes struggles when her thoughts and feelings are ignored in favour of his wife.

It's not for me, I have to be the main priority , but I can't judge those who accept less.

justme111

TBagpuss wrote: »

Even financial issues can be resolved despite an uncooperative spouse.

Let's be realistic , resolving financial issues with someone who does not want to engage is an ordeal and expense and people , specially men tend to take the path of least resistance and do nothing. Obviously different if someone needs equity to move on , he does not.
Divorcing without sorting the house has not much point in it , it actually makes sense now that you mention house that he has not divorced.
Op , do not nag. If someone would not accept my loyalty to a person I went through thick and thin with for 22 years when they are in a coma that person would have little respect from me.
Do not warn him re danger of social services washing their hands off her due to him being seen as an adequate carer , it is better if that warning does not come from you.