What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

tea_lover

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I will maintain the 'wife' as it is in name only, prior to this and I don't have any worries about any secret life or anything like that so don't want to waste time down that avenue. Situations are rarely black and white and he is very much separated and I'm confident of that.

But it's not in name only at all, that's nonsense. It's in law, it's clearly in his emotions, his priorities etc.

He has chosen not to divorce her. After 8 years he could easily have done this whether she agreed to or not. He chose not to, despite your ultimatums. Like he has chosen not to commit to your relationship by living together. He chooses to spend time with her, and he's chosen to drop everything and be with her now she's unfortunately ill.

Can you honestly tell yourself that you are first in his affections, top of his priority list? If you were taken ill today would he come running?

Don't you think you deserve someone who puts you first?

piglet74

She's not his 'wife' in name only,

They are clearly also emotionally attached,

He obviously needs her in his life also, its not that she has no one, she has him!

I feel really sorry for you, because I can only see two outcomes, either the wife pulls through, gets home, and he spends even more time with her, caring for her, shopping, DIY, etc etc

Or the poor soul passes away, and you get to 'date' a widower, who spends the rest of his days grieving for his WIFE, and what might have been. I think your in a no win situation,

Newly_retired

OP, last year you were wondering how much longer you could go on in this relationship, with him not being divorced after seven years. Surely now you have your evidence that you are not his priority.
You may decide to lie low for the next few days and see how the wife's health is. Neither nagging, nor particularly supportive. When the situation is a bit clearer, I think that is the time to make or break. No more half measures.

duchy

I'm guessing you've never met this lady .

Do you and your boyfriend go on holiday together ? (not weekend breaks but proper holidays)

Are you invited to family weddings with him ?

Spend Christmas together ?

Do you attend his work social events ?

After eight years what are his reasons for not wanting to live with you or marry you ?

Why is it only every OTHER weekend you see him ?

I'm sorry but either he doesn't want a proper relationship -or he has two .

In eight years have you ever being hospitalized or seriously ill. Did he stay by your bedside or just visit every other weekend as normal ?

He may very well care for you but he also has a relationship with his wife. Presumably you visit him at his home too so you know he isn't living with her there ibut could he be living with her at her home ?....... or does she not want him back fulltime and he has a similar arms length relationship with her that he has with you ?

I dated a man who lived a couple of hours away for over a year .......eventually I discovered that despite spending every weekend and part of most weeks with me -his ex partner with whom he had a child also believed he was in an exclusive relationship with her . I don't even claim to understand the thinking behind it- HE was the one talking about marriage and having a child........Needless to say he was given his marching orders but it does go to show that if something doesn't ring true -it probably isn't and any discrepancies shouldn't be dismissed but looked into without rose tinted glasses.

k3lvc

OK - I declare from the start this is a mans perspective

Either

a) There's still a full relationship between him and his wife (no inverted commas) despite the distance - maybe they just can't live together and she accepts him for what he is

b) he's protecting any potential inheritance (sorry to be blunt) and this over-rules any other feelings/actions in the short term

Whichever it is from what you've written in this post you're not reading the same into the relationship as he is - when the chips are down he's made his choice and it's not you.

So what do you do now ?

1) Turn up at the hospital and support him - that shows you care and the look on his face might make the future much clearer to you

2) Run away as far as you can

TBagpuss

I think one question you need to ask yourself is what it would do to your relationship if you tried to stop him supporting his wife? Even if he agreed to spendless time with her, he might very well feel resentful towards you, particularly if her condition worsens.

I'd suggest that you support him as much as you can in the short tem, then in a few weks when things are clearer, suggest that you and he sit down and discuss the level of support he can provide. perhaps you could help him to look into waht other support she will be able to access, that way he will feel that you are supporting *him*.

however, longer term if he feeels that he has got an ongoing responsibility to her then you will have to decide what is acceptable to you, prsonally, and whether you want to remain in the relationship long term if he is unable or unwilling to split from her.

Tiddlywinks

She is his wife - according to the law. Not just in name only.

If the situation was reversed and he was in a coma, she would be his next of kin not you.

She would be allowed by his bedside and would be able to prevent you from seeing him.

I don't know why you bother posting questions as you have no intention of actually 'listening' to the points made.

No amount of realism from posters on here seems to penetrate your senses - you always come back with a 'yes, but...' answer.

A woman (his wife) is seriously ill and could die - yet all you (his other woman) care about is getting your allotted time - how seedy is that?

pelirocco

DigForVictory wrote: »

pickled, I'm a tad bemused too. The OP has all the functions of wife without the legal title - should she "surrender" as in step right back out of this relationship & leave the chap to his comatose missus? Lay down her responsibilities both to herself & to him and "swep' off"?

I'm not asking who's keeping whom, but someone has to keep our hero in clean shirts & if he's coming over all sterling spouse then any mistress should at least be courteously dispensed with, and (for bonus points) introduced to a nicer chap whose always admired her and is prepared to get divorced (if necessary) & remarried (see above), to hang onto her properly.

I think it entirely acceptable to prepare to sever the relationship and to ensure that all goods and chattels proper to her stay hers & that she is appropriately recompensed for the time & effort put into her relationship with can't-be-bothered-to-divorce. Currently he's having his espoused cake & devouring his significant other & I think that's out of order.

You seem to think OP's almost as much in the wrong? Yet she's healthy, intelligent & trying to steer a course of grace & courtesy & indeed, dignity, whilst recognising the shoals of not-married expectations & conventions & I laud that effort even as I suspect the chap is unworthy of it.

The OP and 'partner' have been in a long distance relationship for 8 years . I read that as they do not live together and have separate houses , . The uncharitable amongst us maybe even be thinking hes still in the marital home

AnnieO1234

I've not caught up with this thread but something else has come to mind to me.

When you're usually apart, as in when you're at home waiting for his Skype call at 8pm or whatever time it might be, do you usually know what he's doing the rest of the day? I'm assuming that you both work 9-5, but presumably therefore after work he's free to do what he wants. Do you expect to know every single thing? Even if you don't, perhaps he's got used to being able to live as he pleases during that time so from his perspective whether he's at the hospital or at the pub makes little difference to you.

You're both effectively living half of your lives as single people. I'm not saying that extends to have trysts with others, I just mean that for 50% of your time, you're not accountable to anyone.

I do think you need to make him aware that you're uncomfortable with him spending that amount of time with her. But is there any way that you could perhaps go and support him too? Would he maybe welcome that you were able to get "women's things" for her? Or even just be there when he gets back from the hospital?

He obviously feels obligated to her, which I can understand. You don't share your life with someone for that long without feeling some connection still. More acutely if you feel that you're the reason that they're now alone. I mean, I'm not asking you to admit anything here, but if he feels that it's his fault that she doesn't have kids, or that she doesn't have a husband because of how he treated her - well then he's going to be extremely conscious of helping her at this time.

xxx

his_missus

balletshoes wrote: »

my take on this - you need to support him, not nag him and make him feel bad for doing what he feels is right by his wife at this time. If he is devoted to you as his partner for now and the future, you should have little fear that this time supporting his legal partner will jeopardise that.
I haven't read your history so I don't know if theres more to this than the current situation.

I don't know anything of your relationship history, I am responding only to your OP. I agree with balletshoes. You need to let him be there for his wife, whatever his reason is. If you two have a future together he will come back to you when she is better. If he chooses to go back to her, it wasn't meant to be. I appreciate that you may be feeling insecure about the situation and the amount of time he is spending with his wife but ask yourself, do you really trust him? It sounds like you don't and that is never good for a relationship.