What's 'acceptable' in this situation?

AnnieO1234

You say you're in a long distance relationship? How far apart in time are you from one another? Is it a similar 1 hour away to the amount he's travelling to his estranged wife?

Certainly if it's a similar time that he seems to now be spending with his estranged wife, then it would seem that he certainly has more time for her than you. However if you're literally at other ends of the country then fair enough.

What are the reasons for being long distance for so long? How often do you get to see him? Have you any reason to suspect that the wife isn't as estranged as he's made out?

He obviously has some issues. How long were they together? It's a hard thing to do. One of my ex's in particular comes to mind, I've not spoken to him in over a decade, but if he was in the same position, I'd move heaven and earth to be at his side. I'm happily married with two kids, and I would never dream of leaving my husband. My ex and I would never have worked, we couldn't have worked, but I still care about him and I wouldn't want to not be there to help him if he needed it.

xxx

Jagraf

Op, do you really need all these unknowns in your life? A relationship shouldn't require this much brainwork.

cte1111

I think you should support him as much as you can. It's a complex relationship, but your partner clearly stills care about his (ex)wife and wants to be there for her.

Do you think it would help to know what to do, if you imagined his ex-wife as say his best friend. Would you then object to him spending as much time as he can supporting his friend? I know this is not easy, as she is different to that, but situations aren't always black and white.

I can understand this making you feel insecure about your own relationship but maybe try and put this worry on the back burner until the situation resolves itself a little more. Again easier said than done, but if you do want a future with your partner, then this is a stage that you both need to get through, one way or another.

FBaby

I do think it is the former 'best reading' as I do know him well and do believe he feels a responsibility and duty, rightly or wrongly.

Really? Staying all day long with someone who is in a coma and therefore not able to communicate with and who most likely has no awareness that he is there?

Of course you know him and we don't, but what makes you so certain that it is duty rather than feelings of attachment that is explaining his devotion?

lika_86

FBaby wrote: »

Really? Staying all day long with someone who is in a coma and therefore not able to communicate with and who most likely has no awareness that he is there?

The doctors and nurses will be there though, popping in and out, he may be there in case they need a decision to be made by the next of kin.

balletshoes

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Do you think so? Do your mean for good for just for a while?
This is why I feel a bit stuck, I feel upset at the amount of time he is devoting and yet I feel bad for giving him a hard time about it, when he already has a lot of stress in dealing with this.

Also, if I back off for a while, that may just leave them to get closer (if she recovers) and she will be eternally grateful and they will be bonded even more....him feeling good cos he supported her and helped nurse her back to health and her feeling good cos he clearly cared enough to stand by her....and me?...well....I guess I was just the mardy parter who nagged, or the mardy partner who left and didn't stand by him in supporting his stress??

I'm confused.....:(

my take on this - you need to support him, not nag him and make him feel bad for doing what he feels is right by his wife at this time. If he is devoted to you as his partner for now and the future, you should have little fear that this time supporting his legal partner will jeopardise that.
I haven't read your history so I don't know if theres more to this than the current situation.

Ms_Chocaholic

Does he have children with his wife, could that be the reason he is maintaining the vigil (as support for the children).

PasturesNew

Firstly, you need to show compassion. Even if they'd divorced and he'd married you there'd be an inner urgency for him to be by her bedside probably, in memory of all the past times they'd shared. It doesn't always have to come down to love/sex or any permutations thereof, but simply conjoined pasts/memories and stuff.

That aside..... 8 years is taking the pee.

piglet74

You say that you are worried that he is too involved, that is probably because they are still very much involved on some levels.

I did not read all your history, but its a long time since you first considered leaving him... Its also a long time since you should have left, IMO

Your situation has not moved on or improved in months, and this will certainly set you back again, especially from an emotional point of view

I dont buy his excuse that he wont divorce her because she has no one, that's the lamest excuse I ever heard

I'm sorry, but he is with her now, by her bedside... Because that is exactly where he wants to be, and that's where he will remain. I imagine if she does recover, he will spend even more time" fixing taps".

Get out while you can, there will never be a good time to go, there will never be a time when it wont hurt, but there may well be a time when it hurts even more

theoretica

As a thought experiment, how would you expect him to behave, and how would you feel about it, if this were an old friend rather than his wife?