Lying about money

hidden_sacrifice

cte1111 wrote: »

He lied and told his fiancee that the engagement ring had cost £500 rather than £400 and spent the rest of the money on whatever he fancied. How is that not being £100 down? Perhaps that £100 would have meant some extra guests at their wedding, or the OP not having to do a week's worth of overtime?

And we still had to pay his parents back £500 so because he had spent the extra £100 it all came out if our joint account when only £400 should have come out.

hidden_sacrifice

LilElvis wrote: »

Shouldn't this lack of trust have been resolved before you got married? Why haven't you spoken to your husband about the mystery money? Why does it matter which bank account the petrol money is in as long as it is in one of them. Perhaps he thought it a faff to transfer the "petrol money" to the joint account and decided it would be just as easy to use his personal account next time the car needs refuelling, therefore having the same effect.

I thought it was resolved before we got married, when I found out he put the money back as soon as he got paid and nothing suspect had happened since. The mistakes with using the wrong card to pay for things I thought were genuine at the time but this petrol money issue has just made me feel a bit cheated. Him filling up the car using his card next time could have saved some faff but surely you would mention it?

LilElvis

hidden_sacrifice wrote: »

I thought it was resolved before we got married, when I found out he put the money back as soon as he got paid and nothing suspect had happened since. The mistakes with using the wrong card to pay for things I thought were genuine at the time but this petrol money issue has just made me feel a bit cheated. Him filling up the car using his card next time could have saved some faff but surely you would mention it?

As I said in an earlier post, no I wouldn't have mentioned it because my husband trusts me with our money, as I trust him.

goodwithsaving

Can I ask, does everything go into this joint pot? Are your incomes similar? Just because, maybe he's feeling resentful of putting it all in one pot.
Re. the ring, do you not think that maybe he quite reasonably just thought if you're getting a treat then he should have one too?
I can't stand it when my OH starts speaking about my money as though it's his, or thinks he can spend it. As long as bills are covered etc. then I'm afraid I spend my income as I like and I certainly don't ask permission to spend what I've earned or account for any of it.
The law for unmarried couples isn't quite the same. We could separate and he has no entitlement to any of my money, nor me of his. House yes, cash no.

Andypandyboy

Married 35 years and we have never had an argument about money. We trust each other and have never felt the need to account for every penny. Op this seems to be more about control than money.

flea72

I see where the OP is coming from. Its just the secrecy of it that would upset/annoy me too. I dont expect OH to fill me on on everything he buys, but in general conversation, most purchases are accounted for. Also if being given money by a relative, again the amount would come up in conversation. Its the deliberate deception that i could not accept. He borrowed £500, spent £400 but pretended to have spent £500, and pocketed the £100. Then said petrol cost £70 but took £200. If that isnt being devious, then i dont know what it is

Every christmas my inlaws give me and OH a joint card, with money in, as our xmas present. As OH opens the card and just gives me my share, i have to trust that he is being fair. It did gall for many years, as based on the amount he buys, i would say he gave himself a bigger share, and obvs the inlaws thought so too, as we now get a joint cheque lol. However, if my parents give me cash, i dont even think twice about splitting it, or buying something for both of us/the family. I spose i just have a more, 'whats yours is mine " mentality, whereas OH is, 'whats yours is mine, and whats mines, my own' lol

I think the inheritence issue that has been brought up might be slightly different. Yes, i would view the money as mine, but i wouldnt stop OH spending it, infact i would prob enjoy using it to treat him, as long as we werent left short, or frittered it away. Which i think is another point irking the OP. Money is tight, but her husband has no qualms about using money that hasnt been accounted for, on stuff for himself. When it could be used for both their benefit

FBaby

It is not clear from your post whether the issue his him over-spending your joint budget which then causes problems and this is the reason why you are scrutinising every ££ that he spends, or whether there is a control issue by which he isn't allowed to spend any money without having to inform you and even though he doesn't tell you, he is not liking it.

kitrat

I think I get where the OP is coming from.

So he spent £400 on the ring, told you he spent £500, and you had to pay his mum back jointly. So in effect you've had to pay back half of £500 (£250) and he's had to pay back half of £500 but he had kept £100 for himself anyway (£250-100=£150) so he's not had to spend as much of his own money on your ring as you.

And the petrol it's not that he didn't give you both the whole £200 it's that he decided the petrol figure was £70 without discussion, whereas just a 2 second conversation "She gave me £200 which includes the petrol and some for me, I think £70 will cover it yes?".

I get it, none of these things individually are the end of the world but after a while it adds up to a feeling of disrespect. I think you just need to sit down and have a chat and say it's not about the money it's just about the lack of openess and how that makes you feel.

Maybe he puts more into the joint account each month and he resents this?

Somerset

FBaby wrote: »

It is not clear from your post whether the issue his him over-spending your joint budget which then causes problems and this is the reason why you are scrutinising every ££ that he spends, or whether there is a control issue by which he isn't allowed to spend any money without having to inform you and even though he doesn't tell you, he is not liking it.

It seems it's the fact OP feels the husband is 'skimming' money or 'forgetting' he's had it, that is the problem. Instinctively she's sensing a pattern. Of course mum can treat her son, or son can use the wrong card or over-borrow for a ring. But it's the pattern that he always has extra that he hasn't mentioned that is unsettling her. Basically he's lying by omission so has more spare/fun money and that's undermined her trust in him.

LilElvis

hidden_sacrifice wrote: »

Okay, just to clear a few things up. First of all, we are married, so not sure why someone assumed we weren't but that's not really relevant here.

Isn't this contradicted by the thread you started in January 2016?

hidden_sacrifice wrote: »

We are getting married in June

I think I would remember if I was married or not.