Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

whitewing

I agree with counselling for yourself. Also, I understand why he is blaming you on the photo thing, but I also think if he weren't depressed and anxious then he may be able to see his part in the situation. He may be a lot worse at trusting his judgement of you with the depression but may not realise it is that. I was seriously annoyed with DH recently for a message he put on someone's internet account; mostly as I felt the message was inappropriate for someone who is married. Not helped that he didn't feel like arguing about it at 2 o'clock in the morning - he knows my mh is worse when I am tired. Anyway, we have talked it through now and I don't think he fully realised that it was publicly available, and I hadn't particularly got it in my head that it was highly unlikely that anyone I knew would see it unless they were specifically looking at digging up some dirt. So, easily done, and much less easily sorted out as you can't really rip up anything online.

Maybe the additional stress of a wedding was too much for him - doesn't mean he didn't want to get married - and he didn't want to risk losing you by saying how bad he feels. You see it as lack of interest, he is frightened for himself of his illness.

Maybe he felt that being married would make his world magically better. It does in some ways but not in others. That can be related to the illness.

whitewing

I would also say that you need to live your own life without being in fear of him harming himself - it wouldn't be your fault - it would only be his decision and that is about wanting emotional turmoil and pain to end. So, do what is best for you as that is ultimately what will be best for him whether he recognises that or not. It may be the trigger he needs to make some changes or open up to someone.

I do think you would benefit from talking it through with a professional.

I also wonder whether he is pushing you away to try and handle his perceived loss before it happens. That is what I would probably have done. (And still slip in to sometimes, but I can recognise and stop myself).

Gingernutty

You paid for the entire wedding?? So he's financially abusive too?

You are not responsible for someone else's actions, no matter how much emotional blackmail they subject you to.

Please. Seriously consider contacting Women's Aid. This isn't healthy, he's blaming you for his own and someone else's actions and you're modifying your behaviour as a result.

Gingernutty

Oh yeah.

Very mild, bilateral, sensorineural hearing loss. Don't need hearing aids for now, but will be checked over every year from now on.

Phew!

last_mile

i think you are right gingernutty and whitewing..... i need to talk this through.
he's been this way for a long time, i earn almost double what he does and he spends easier than i do on none essentials.
I buy all the household shopping (he refuses to even come shopping because "he used to work there and that was enough"). He does pay his "share" of the bills its about 60/40 as he earns less.

i have been "modifying" for quite a long time....... its become easier to say no to invites to events and not tell him than it is to explain to him (always feels like im asking permission).
i've done business lunches without telling him because i know the hassle it would cost.

i agree that fear might have played its part in the wedding jitters but we'd been through that before when we bought our first house. i thought it was what we both wanted he waited until 3 months after we'd moved in to tell me he "never wanted to move out but he is ok with it now".

Cakeguts

last_mile wrote: »

Hi All,
I have signed up under a new name to keep some distance between this and other posts (sorry).
I am really struggling with the relationship between my partner and I.
He has long suffered from anxiety and depression and in the past has caused problems for me in my work place with business travel etc.
We got married late last year after 10 years together and I have to say it wasn't easy.
In the run up to the wedding he was unhelpful saying things that upset me and isolated me.
He wasn't abusive or anything but he often didn't take interest saying things like " let me know when its 6 months to go" then 3 months etc without offering any help.
He always used the reasoning "thats what bridesmaids are for" when I was hand making the invites and decor to save money.
He left me feeling alone and isolated because i don't have a large friends group and he has differing opinions on those I do have.
I shoulder some of the blame in that I started a conversation with a man (from america) during the loneliest times about brexit/trump vote on a chat group and this man took things to far by sending an explicit photo. I didnt immediately close out the convo, I left it over night and was going to stop conversing with him but my OH went into my phone and found the convo.
I have apologised and apologiesed to him for this but he uses it all the time and states i made him "like this".
He decided that medication isn't for him and i support him if he feels that then it is right.
He doesn't want to talk to someone as he's not "a talky person" .

I dont know where I expect this to lead i think I'm just feeling very low and maybe I am slipping into the world of D. but i'm constantly walking on eggshells never knowing how he will be from 1 minute to the next. I can never arrange anything because if it is just me he breaks down and if its the two of us he often backs out at the last moment because he doesn't want to be around people. I understand this is a symptom of depression and anxiety but its very difficult to continually have to explain why you didn't go or don't want to do something.

.

The thing with anxiety and depression is that it needs monitoring by medical professionals. I find that this is something that the NHS is very bad at. You have to start to think about his anxiety and depression as a different illness so lets for example say that instead of what he has got he has something like diabetes. Now if you knew that he had diabetes and the medication that he had been given for it wasn't working wouldn't you want to do something about it? Wouldn't he want to do something about it? What I find strange about your post is that you are just accepting this illness as if it is part of him rather than an illness that is affecting how he thinks and behaves. Depression causes the brain to generate unwanted thoughts especially negative ones. People are more likely to say "I can't do that," rather than "I can." Virtually all of these negative responses are down to the illness.

Now what I want to know is why no one has done anything about partner's current medication? I can see from what you have written that it isn't working well enough. Now think if this was diabetes wouldn't you want your doctor to find something that did work? So why haven't either of you tackled the problem of why this medication isn't working? Often the first type of medication doesn't work but you don't accept it you go back to the doctor and they change it. The point is that they may have to try several until they find one that works.

So the first plan of action is that your partner's medication isn't working what can you do about that?

last_mile

Hi Cakeguts and thank you for you response.
i am in no way i am accepting of his illness, i often let him away with bad moods etc because i know its not him its the illness.
but if we view it as you say like diabetes i still have to accept that its his choice.
this wasnt his first round of medication but actually his 2nd medication, the first we went through 3 dosages before we changed.
he stopped taking the latest ones because he felt they werent helping.... his prescription expired months ago and no ones checked up on him.
funnily both myself and his mum thought they were working but he didnt feel it so stopped taking them without telling anyone.
I queried when he didnt make a new app. with the dr because i knew it was due for a review but he just told me it wasnt helping and neither was the doctor.
He's a grown man and just like any illness i can only do so much. you cannot force a diabetic to take insulin if they dont want to and i cant force him to take pills.

Cakeguts

last_mile wrote: »

Hi Cakeguts and thank you for you response.
i am in no way i am accepting of his illness, i often let him away with bad moods etc because i know its not him its the illness.
but if we view it as you say like diabetes i still have to accept that its his choice.
this wasnt his first round of medication but actually his 2nd medication, the first we went through 3 dosages before we changed.
he stopped taking the latest ones because he felt they werent helping.... his prescription expired months ago and no ones checked up on him.
funnily both myself and his mum thought they were working but he didnt feel it so stopped taking them without telling anyone.
I queried when he didnt make a new app. with the dr because i knew it was due for a review but he just told me it wasnt helping and neither was the doctor.
He's a grown man and just like any illness i can only do so much. you cannot force a diabetic to take insulin if they dont want to and i cant force him to take pills.

I agree with all of this however what I would say is if he can't be bothered to go to the doctor and get some different medication that works better you don't have to put up with his moods. This cuts both ways. It is up to you how you deal with it but I think at the moment you are too worried about upsetting him but he isn't in the least worried about you because if he was he would be trying to do something about the illness which makes me think that he is getting something out of it. Attention, being left to do exactly as he likes? I don't know but depression is so unpleasant that I can't imagine someone wanting to just live with it.

Gingernutty

Any meds for depression and anxiety must be taken for a couple of weeks before any real effects are noted.

It sounds like he's found his 'comfort zone' and doesn't want to leave.

He's got a safe job, a little woman who's dancing attendance, who's earning money he can spend and who's doing all the housework and he's the centre of attention.

Life is good, as far as he's concerned....

jobbingmusician

GOsh, what a lot to catch up on!

juanita - soooo happy for you! :j:j:j

last mile - some of what you say is the same as my husband, especially having to restrict social stuff because he's not sure he can manage it. I'm lucky that Mr JM lets me do whatever I want, even tho he sometimes moans about it. But it would be nice to do social things with him more often, and I get fed up sometimes that even if he is well enough physically, he sometimes doesn't feel up to things mentally. I do think WW is a wonderful Wise Woman, though! And totally agree that when the chips are down, he has to take responsibility for his own health and not take it out on you. xxxx

gingernutty - excellent news about the hearing! I must do something about mine as I really am struggling at work in meetings

Hugs and squishes to all xxxx ~~~~~~ (and a big hug and wave to WaS if you are reading )