Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

System

My parents havent seen the tattoo yet :eek: my mum has come round to the idea, (doesnt like them but appriciates the art side to them) and my dad hates them. Both my sisters got tattoos in the summer (only small compared to mine) and at my brothers 21st we were under strict instructions not to mention them in front of dad

I didn;t get my first one till i was 28 i think. Ive always wanted them but was never sure what to get. Always had a bit of hello kitty obsession and there was a place offering cheaper halloween ones and i saw the hello kitty zombie one and wanted that. I've got 2 butterflies on my other leg, one for each year i've been self harm free. Tbh ,y legs were covered in self harm scars and i hated seeing them but now im filling my legs with tattoos they aren;t as noticable and dont bother me as much. Some hate them and consider it a disfigurement but tbh my legs were already scarred so i just prefer having tattoos to cover them.

last_mile

pyxis - do you know how many people have asked that exact question and before the simplest answer was always because i love him. This is still true but i'm not sure if it was the same way,
i agreed to marry him 9 years ago when we were much younger and less mature. when we decided to actually plan the wedding it was his idea set a date and then it all went a bit wrong.
by the point any thoughts of not doing it came to me i didnt want others to think i had just "given up" on him so i continued on in the hopes that as he was now getting treatment it would get better.

Yes he really doesn't do any housework without being asked to, i do the washing, shopping, dishes, cleaning and so on.
i think the -ve would out way the +ve but it is something to think about as you say.

Believe it or not cakeguts he would rather suffer through a headache than take a pill, he once had kidney problems due to headache meds so hes very reluctant to take anything.
i don't actually think he has had any breakdowns at work.
They normally happen out of the blue, he'll just start crying and shaking and say he cant cope anymore its all too much and clam shell his body up.

Honest answer to why i stay? i dont know, maybe i dont want to be seen as a failure, maybe i dont want him to hurt himself and maybe i still think i can fix him.

Cakeguts

last_mile wrote: »

pyxis - do you know how many people have asked that exact question and before the simplest answer was always because i love him. This is still true but i'm not sure if it was the same way,
i agreed to marry him 9 years ago when we were much younger and less mature. when we decided to actually plan the wedding it was his idea set a date and then it all went a bit wrong.
by the point any thoughts of not doing it came to me i didnt want others to think i had just "given up" on him so i continued on in the hopes that as he was now getting treatment it would get better.

Yes he really doesn't do any housework without being asked to, i do the washing, shopping, dishes, cleaning and so on.
i think the -ve would out way the +ve but it is something to think about as you say.

Believe it or not cakeguts he would rather suffer through a headache than take a pill, he once had kidney problems due to headache meds so hes very reluctant to take anything.
i don't actually think he has had any breakdowns at work.
They normally happen out of the blue, he'll just start crying and shaking and say he cant cope anymore its all too much and clam shell his body up.

Honest answer to why i stay? i dont know, maybe i dont want to be seen as a failure, maybe i dont want him to hurt himself and maybe i still think i can fix him.

I think you need to think about these "breakdowns." This isn't how depression works. Someone who is depressed has a low mood and it would need something to change in order to have the crying can't cope thing. It might only be a little thing but it wouldn't come out of the blue as you say. I am interested in you saying that he doesn't have this problem at work as I would have expected that to be the place where it would happen more often because work adds stress to life and it is the stress that affects depression. So, and I don't want you to be upset by this, looking in from the outside it seems that he is only showing symptoms of depression when he is with you. This could be for several reasons but because of his disregard of helping you in the house or with the shopping it could be that he is using it as a form of manipulation to keep you as his servant. After all if he only says that he might harm himself when he is with you and never at work it could be thought that you are making him ill?

If you want to do anything about this you are going to need to record all of the tantrums and breakdowns to see if the occur when you do or suggest something that doesn't suit him. If it turns out that this is the case you are going to have to think about what to do because running after someone who is manipulating you to do what they want all the time isn't good for your mental health.

Izadora

Cakeguts wrote: »

I am interested in you saying that he doesn't have this problem at work as I would have expected that to be the place where it would happen more often because work adds stress to life and it is the stress that affects depression. So, and I don't want you to be upset by this, looking in from the outside it seems that he is only showing symptoms of depression when he is with you.

Although I see where you're coming from I find that I'm far more likely to have a meltdown at home than at work. It's not because I'm trying to manipulate my husband or don't care about him but I have days where it takes everything I've got to hold it together at work and will then burst into tears pretty much the second I walk through the front door and relax a little bit.

Part of that is because I feel safe at home and know that, as much as it may infuriate him, IzHe's not going to think less of me for it whereas I don't think the same could be said of everyone at work. That in no way makes it right to take your moods out on someone else and nobody should have to tread on eggshells all the time so as not to anger anyone though.

whitewing

I agree with izadora. I would get home before 'losing it' in the same way if I had a dodgy tummy, I would try and get home before a bout of diarrhoea rather than do it at work!

I told DH about the thing that upset me yesterday and he thinks I am taking it too personally and that it was trying to help me.

In a dilemma. Littlewing gets a chance to go away with school next Spring. It costs £150+. It is worth the money in terms of what she gains but we are struggling and it is therefore a lot of money that is non-essential. Can't decide what to do. She won't have an opinion either way as she has not been away with school before. (I know school would have a provision for people not being able to afford it, but I don't want to go that route). Grandma would probably pay if we asked but I don't want to go that route either. Imperfect as my parents were, we did go on school trips if they were on offer so I know she would have happy memories. Deposit is due in a few weeks. Got nothing we could sell. Tried to sell her bike but no one wanted it.

Izadora

whitewing wrote: »

(I know school would have a provision for people not being able to afford it, but I don't want to go that route). Grandma would probably pay if we asked but I don't want to go that route either.

As much as you'd rather not take either of those routes, do they seem worse than Littlewing not getting to go?

whitewing wrote: »

Deposit is due in a few weeks. Got nothing we could sell. Tried to sell her bike but no one wanted it.

As well as the problem of finding the deposit now, are things likely to change financially before the final balance is due? If you're going to end up worrying yourself for months over how to find the extra money then, no matter how much Littlewing would enjoy it, I don't think it would be worth the stress. Yes, she'd have lovely memories if she goes but she won't miss them if she doesn't.

whitewing

I actually wish the school didn't offer this residential trip so that I wouldn't have the dilemma in the first place. (It isn't the year 6 trip that is more of a rite of passage).

I was really in favour of it initially but didn't imagine it would cost that much - bearing in mind we haven't even holidayed ourselves for a few years now. I also think that there must be others worse off than us - how are they managing? (We both work; not all the parents at school are both working. Are they better at managing finances? I sort of think not, but who knows?)

whitewing

Maybe we'll do a challenge that she only goes if we earn the extra. That may persuade DH to do an extra shift at work or something.

onomatopoeia99

WW I went away with the school once, when I was 11/12 (last year of juniors, not idea what that is no modern school "year" nomenclature), for a week in Brittany (9h ferry crossing in a storm, lovely) where we stayed in this place with big dorms. Missed all the other school holiday trips, as my parents could not afford them, it would have meant no family holiday (we had a tiny, old caravan that dad would tow with his old car to campsites for our holidays, these weren't luxury hotel stays!) To be honest, I've never felt I missed out on anything as a result.

So I would say don't feel too bad about it, if LW asks just say you can't afford it, something I heard often growing up. I'm not a parent though!

System

When i was in school they did a trip to france in year 7, my parents let me go but it cost about the same and because they sent me they also out og fairness had yo stump up the cost for my 3 siblings to go when it was their turn! There were actuallly many more trips abroad with school, but i knew we couldn't afford them so it never bothered me that i couldnt go. Id say if the funds stretch let her have the experience but not if its going to put you in financial difficulties. Having had that one trip to france i was never bothered about going on the other trips.