Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

onomatopoeia99

MU that's beautiful, love the colours.

JM it sounds I'm similar to your husband in respect of social stuff, I enjoy it but sometimes I just can't. It's hard to explain to someone that doesn't get it - I used to tell my ex "people wear me out", because it was literally true, I'd be exhausted after a dinner party with a dozen people where all I'd done was sit down and eat nice food. Exhausted but tightly wound and unable to sleep until I unwound. Consequently there used to be a "never two nights in a row" rule about socialising, which I still try to keep to.

My Italian friend is coming to visit in a couple of months, which will be twice this year - since she's got her PIP award and was able to get a disabled person's railcard as a result of the EUPD diagnosis she's able to travel a bit again. She used to come on the coach as it was cheaper, but when her MH took a big downturn she couldn't cope with that any more and couldn't afford the train. So looking forward to that

Izadora

MU - that's a lovely birthday present.

I'm still debating getting my first tattoo. I know exactly what I'd get but I can't decide whether I'd rather have it or stay un-inked and I won't have a tattoo until I'm absolutely positive that I'll never regret it.

whitewing

I am not really a fan of tattoos (or rather, I like the artwork but not the permanence -sp? -of them), but I have to say MU that yours is beautiful. It is the most appealing one I have ever seen.

I feel a little panicky right now at work but will be okay once I get started on a new task. Sent someone an update and they haven't responded how I was expecting. (Not bad, just that my timescales don't suit them but I feel thrown and criticised, even though I wasn't.). Now I want to slink off and hibernate.

Hopefully DH will get back with lunch soon.

Pyxis

Izadora wrote: »

MU - that's a lovely birthday present.

I'm still debating getting my first tattoo. I know exactly what I'd get but I can't decide whether I'd rather have it or stay un-inked and I won't have a tattoo until I'm absolutely positive that I'll never regret it.

Same here.
Also, it's a design that needs to be done exactly right or it won't work, and I don't know who would be good enough locally.

It would only be on my thigh, and I'm now old enough for the permanence aspect not to be a problem! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

last_mile

Sorry all yesterday was a really busy day for me and i only want to access this while on breaks to keep it separate from my at home life.
he had been on meds for 8 months (over 2 meds) he didnt like the side effects and didnt feel they did anything so just stopped them.
when he has a "breakdown" if you can call it that, he's in tears and hyperventilating and i just dont know where to turn.
i feel increasingly trapped in his life as sometimes we can go on for weeks without a problem and everything looks good we continue on but at the same time i wonder where its all leading.
The constantly being on edge incase he gets upset is tiring, the fighting just to get out the door to look at a new car at the weekend is a good example.
my car is PCP and its due back next month, i need to decide if i want a "new" car so i have asked a couple of times to go look at garages..... each time its a big deal to him as he just wants to relax on the weekend and do nothing but we go and he huffs and states its just this one garage and then home or gets really angry if no one comes to us at the garage in a time that suits him. Hence ive been to 3 garages and twice hes got so angry we've had to leave and then the rest of the day is him in a mood.

Gingernutty

Attention seeking.

He's not the centre of attention, you are. It's your car that's being upgraded, not his. It's your wages paying for this and he's not earning enough.

Why can't you go by yourself?

last_mile

I suppose I could but when I was willing to go food shopping by myself on Sunday he went on about how I was angry he wouldn’t go so he’s coming now.
He then huff so we bought the bare minimum because yet again the weekend is for relaxing.
Obviously when we’re both out the house 8-6:30 mon-fri I can make things like banks and shops easily during the week and we should just sit in our butts at the weekends.
His car was replaced last year as he needed a more fuel efficient one due to the mileage he does.
I think I need to make a dr app. I’m starting to feel a little down but talking here really helps.
So thanks everyone for listening.

Cakeguts

last_mile wrote: »

Sorry all yesterday was a really busy day for me and i only want to access this while on breaks to keep it separate from my at home life.
he had been on meds for 8 months (over 2 meds) he didnt like the side effects and didnt feel they did anything so just stopped them.
when he has a "breakdown" if you can call it that, he's in tears and hyperventilating and i just dont know where to turn.
i feel increasingly trapped in his life as sometimes we can go on for weeks without a problem and everything looks good we continue on but at the same time i wonder where its all leading.
The constantly being on edge incase he gets upset is tiring, the fighting just to get out the door to look at a new car at the weekend is a good example.
my car is PCP and its due back next month, i need to decide if i want a "new" car so i have asked a couple of times to go look at garages..... each time its a big deal to him as he just wants to relax on the weekend and do nothing but we go and he huffs and states its just this one garage and then home or gets really angry if no one comes to us at the garage in a time that suits him. Hence ive been to 3 garages and twice hes got so angry we've had to leave and then the rest of the day is him in a mood.

The mood thing isn't to do with mental health. That is something about him.

Medication takes at least 6 weeks to build up to work and people are started off on a low dose in case the side effects are bad. So for anyone medication you start with a low dose for 6 weeks to see if it is suitable and then if it is the doctor may increase the dosage. The increase takes at least another 6 weeks to build up to full working strength. If something doesn't suit you have to wait for a few weeks before trying a different one. It sounds to me as if he has stopped taking the medication before it has got to the full strenght that makes it work. Two lots of 6 weeks on two different medications is roughly 3 months then another 6 weeks to the correct does which is another month and a half out of the 8 months so for 4 1/2 months of the 8 he wasn't taking enough medication for it to work and before it could work he stopped taking it. I have had depression and quite honestly it is so horrible that you will take anything to feel better. So the fact that he refuses to take the medication means that it can't be all that bad.

What you are left with is someone who is making scenes everytime you want to do something that doesn't suit him and who wouldn't take a tablet to ease a headache but would suffer it instead? Why do you want to stay in this situation? It is never going to get any better.

Cakeguts

How often does he have what you call a "breakdown" when he is at work? Depression doesn't just choose to happen when you are at home. What he is getting sounds more like a tantrum than a mental health problem. Have a think and see if the "breakdowns" only happen if someone has said something he doesn't like at work or you are asking him to do something that doesn't suit. The thing is that he is able to work. What you are describing is like someone who has read what depression does to people and is acting it out on occasions when something doesn't suit. The breaking down in tears and hyperventilating doesn't match someone with depression who can go to work.

Pyxis

last_mile wrote: »

I suppose I could but when I was willing to go food shopping by myself on Sunday he went on about how I was angry he wouldn’t go so he’s coming now.
He then huff so we bought the bare minimum because yet again the weekend is for relaxing.
Obviously when we’re both out the house 8-6:30 mon-fri I can make things like banks and shops easily during the week and we should just sit in our butts at the weekends.
His car was replaced last year as he needed a more fuel efficient one due to the mileage he does.
I think I need to make a dr app. I’m starting to feel a little down but talking here really helps.
So thanks everyone for listening.

Last mile, I know this a bit late, but why did you marry him? I mean if he was dragging his feet about it etc., and if he was like this over the ten years you were together?
It's possibly an unhelpful question, but I am puzzled.


Another thing that struck me was that I think you both work, but the shopping is all down to you? Or are there other chores that he does and you don't, to balance things out?


I must admit, that some of the things you have said about the relationship struck a chord with me, as I once endured something similar, but not for as long.


I suppose it might help to consider assessing the good things in the relationship, and weighing them up against the things that make you feel bad, cross, used, etc. etc.
Then give each entry a score of between, say -3 and +3, depending on how good the thing is (+3 being the greatest) or how bad (-3 being the worst) , and see which score is the greatest, the - score or the + score.
That might be an eye-opener.

If when you then add them together, the scores cancel each other out, you might consider that's just existing and not living.

If the overall answer is a - or a +, then that might point you in the direction of what to do.


In any event, staying with someone only because you fear what they might do is an unsustainable way to continue.

I do understand your fears, though, but it's a terrible prison to be in.
I think there might be some agencies out there who could help you to see that, and advise on a way forward.
I don't personally know, but someone on here might.

Actually, the Samaritans might be a good place to start! I know they do just as much work with relatives of people who threaten self-harm as they do with the people themselves.

I've heard they are very good, so that might be a start. :A