Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

dekaspace

Notice I have 2 missed calls from hospital, I don't know if thats because I have appointment on Monday or because its about my x ray for broken bones! panicing a bit.

elsien

Phone them and ask? Although if it was urgent they're likely to have left a message asking you to contact them, I would have thought.

I am getting holiday organised. So far I have checked all the tickets several times, ditto that my passport isn't out of date and checked I've bought flights for the right dates. And entered the correct information online. I am panicking because I've had no direct confirmation from the hotel although the booking agent has given me both mine and their booking reference. I really want to phone parent to come and check everything I've already checked but am fighting the urge because I'll only need to do the same again several times tomorrow. And again in the car on the way to the airport. Please tell me it's not just me.

onomatopoeia99

Elsien, it's not just you. I check everything when going on holiday multiple times. Then worry I haven't locked the front door, or something equally absurd, because I always lock the front door.

Where are you going?

elsien

Algarve with a few days in the middle in Seville. Thing is, I can be sitting looking at all the paperwork and still convince myself it's wrong. I'm even annoying myself now.

Gingernutty

Don't look at the news. Don't listen to the radio. None of this is the fault of anyone here.

Solarjunkie

Thanks, Jobbingmusician, it is lovely to feel someone noticed I wasn't there! What a lovely, thoughtful post.
I have been sheltering in the duvet fort, enjoying calorie free chocolate eclairs and hoping some nice person comes along for a chat. I make a lovely, proper, pot of tea.
Pats on the back to all of you, going for interviews, facing demons, just keeping on keeping on. Well done!

dekaspace

A bit on edge at moment, was getting food earlier and as I was getting served people behind me (I was only in shop a few minutes max at this point) started shouting abuse at staff for waiting so long despite only just arriving and after police were called they threatened me as I was only wtiness to tell police nothing or they would beat me up police came and arrested them and took statement but as I left one of their friends who was waiting outside the whole time was chatting to someone who looked very rough (though in top of range car) who both looked at me and one pointed at me made me very paranoid!

jobbingmusician

Aaaargh! What a horrid experience! Keep yourself safe! - I can't really think what more to recommend. If you have never seen them before tho, they won't have seen you either, IYSWIM.....

Yes please to tea, solar! I am fasting today so need to fill up with SOMETHING! xxx (Actually I had an ENORMOUS supper - a whole bag of vegetables with my 300 calorie meal. And I have an almond croissant waiting for me in the morning )

dekaspace

On my mental health side of things I having my usual random thoughts which interpretations change all the time, the only constant is a chicken and egg thought.

By that I mean lets say when I was full of life (but timid. shy and mild self esteem issues) I would leave the house even for a walk, during that walk I may of decided to say get a drink from a corner shop, bag of chips from chippy or a single pint in a pub, it also used to be common lets say I planned to go to corner shop as had £2 left in pocket till pay day and wanted a treat, I would then decide to walk 15 or 20 minutes more to town so I can get say Tesco Value snacks like a pastie, noodles, bag of sweets and maybe a ready meal for that price it of course helped the area I lived was basically streets of terraced houses with beautiful back alleys and odd small park and bowling green and by a few beautiful churches

As the years went on life got on top of me so I didn't even leave house unless I had to and that mentality also showed in going to shops, I used to even if I had £5 left to last a week window shop and wish I could afford to buy stuff but enjoyed the window shopping and lets say something like a student bursary came in or £5 from parents, or I sold a few things I would treat myself to like a take out or drink or a new gadget so it was a massive thrill to just leave house.

It ended up after that terrible family incident I became more of a hermit, at first it meant that instead of leaving house every day for 1-3 hours just to window shop (when not working of course) it was every 2 days or so, saying that I may of popped out for a single pint as lived above a pub or across road from take out but didn't feel up to much, that was also when alcohol started becoming unenjoyable, literally a single drink felt like 4 or 5 in terms of effect, everything had a knock on effect is best way to put that as I felt bad I didn't leave house, when I did I felt at best half as good as I used to (therefore bad) on a GOOD day and gradually each thing slipped more and more.

What this leads up to I am getting at is that chicken and egg thing, at what point is me not enjoying things because I am not attempting them, but I am not attempting them as I feel bad or when I do I feel overwhelmed as I am leaving house its all a vicious cycle.

And the window shopping and such is almost same argument, I used to live day to day with food as had no money, the best I can get now is I say I like spaghetti bolognaise so I buy mince, tomatoes, herbs etc and at same time know I like pizza, or soup and have a "craving" for them so buy each of them and end up having them for months will continue this after next paragraph.

So my mind itself is confused, and lets say I wake up early my brain conflicts with going out of house as its a nice day, staying in and watching a movie now I can focus on it, just as that last blast of energy before bed a second wind is often when I am the clearest headed so I don't go to bed so makes me stay up late so either way I am doing nothing.

So for the food thing what happens is when I get home I decide I have no "cravings" for anything even if I am starving and not eaten all day then by bedtime I will just grab anything but not be satisfied.

So what this all leads up to is each train of thought has a common thread, I have switched off so to speak pretty much all thoughs so end up a lump in chair, when I do something even leave house my brain wants to do everything at once which causes sensory overload so it in itself so it causes even more of a switch off and just the thoughs similar to "cravings" at once.

Its just like how I can be a zombie on armchair all day then at bedtime the tiredness switches off all thoughs so lets say I play a video game I become absorbed in it, not the same way as enjoyment but as my emotions have switched off my brain doesn't overload, its just how at same time when its bedtime anything I do even if its plans for following day seem hopeful as the plans fall into place, and I notice at that point IF I go to bed I can't sleep as brain is active but tired if that makes sense.

So if my whole post made no sense I apologise, point was my brain gets overloaded with so much information during day it switches off to a point of almost zero emotion and lack of interest in life but "cravings" and theres a endless cycle, this lack of emotion/too much emotion bottle up manifests in feeling tired all time and wanting to sleep though I am not physically tired so makes my brain more used to doing nothing and mental health worse at least in sense its not improving and I am getting more lethargic though it seems better as I am not "woe is me" anymore, back when I WAS I at least enjoyed individual things and took comfort even if that was 1% of my time it was like feeling drunk all the time and on a come down rather than muted but low feelings.

So either way I don't win this is just my interpretation for today.

System

Slightly freaking out, missed my meds for 2 days last week and jesus my mind is everywhere. i don't know if its possible to have a depressive episode and then a hyperianic one within hours but my mood is going from one to the other within hours. Need to book a GP appointment but my phone died so i womt be able to get new info till tomorrow and book an appointment. i googled it (never a good idea) and it said bipolar can be rapid cycling if you have more than 4 episodes a year, this is episode 3 and we're 6 months into the year. really need to see my doc as this is worrying.