Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

tunathe_cat

mellymoo74 wrote: »

RAID referral finally done
Spoke to a doc in ITU
He has referred for me
Yay
Cctv cameras so he can see zoo set up
So 2 min me leave and go up to see the beautiful man

Well done Mel lots of boxes ticked today Keep safe x

mellymoo74

Had a nose at the cameras
Its ace
Everyone sleeping lol
X

elsien

That's a great idea melly, I'd not have thought of it. Maybe I could do a sneaky check up on Gitdog and Nan.
So now that's sorted, what are you doing for you?

faerielight

thanks guys, I have finally sent a quick email to my friend but only to ask if my uncle had replied to the email my friend sent him asking him to unblock me, on may 5th.. I didn't want to inflame him by asking for an explanation as to why he has cut contact. Elsein, I think busting the isolation helps.. I was going to make myself go in today to the PD centre, but I've felt really sick and too dizzy to drive, so had another lonely day,..I have an assessment for direct payments tomorrow, it will be good when I get the carers/PA's in place, as there will be money available to go for a coffee or movies with carer.. it sounds so sad but I've run out of friends

mellymoo74

elsien wrote: »

That's a great idea melly, I'd not have thought of it. Maybe I could do a sneaky check up on Gitdog and Nan.
So now that's sorted, what are you doing for you?

He was really low today so glad he can see everyone.
He loved it
For.me.erm
Erm
Nothing
Might try and.sleep for a bit once I fed cats

dekaspace

Ok ok here goes, heres some background about me though many little things about it, I am 34 year old male who 13 years ago had a family member murdered, before that I was more shy and had low self esteem but for most part was happy it was at most I was unhappy being single and living in a town with almost no work/opportunities though before the murder got a little more confidence (I started to flirt and get girls phone numbers on nights out)

After that its been 13 years of problems, one of biggest was weight gain which destroyed my self esteem even further, I set myself up to fail at everything so when I did I felt even worse, attempted university 10 years ago and dropped out as felt useless, then tried again 9 years and 8 years ago I had a chicken and egg miserable feeling, ate a lot of take out hence weight gain, and just felt "woe is me" all the time it didn't help I had multiple flatmates with serious mental health problems one even schizophrenic who had arguments with himself at night and threw things about and smashed furniture, then moved to a flat and had drug dealer neighbour, identity theft destroying my credit score, on benefits but mental health stopped me working and this all lead into 4 years ago things slowly getting "better"

I got ESA and DLA, a good social worker (who sadly I have no longer so back at square one with that) and in past year diet slowly better.

The problem is I am in what I would explain as a all cried out state of mind, I have tried finding out reasons for not loving life and have different theories even in one sitting, I look at small things like saying I used to have good sleep pattern so if I get up early I will feel better but I don't, I used to like a night out so attempt a drink but as I have only been drunk 3 times in 4 years and even then not had much a single drink and I am tipsy though I think that is more down to something else health wise.

My actual tastes and interests haven't changed but the simplest ways to say things is "I just don't feel it" which is more a alertness and adrenaline thing, I feel exhausted all the time so don't attempt to even leave house, if I do something I can't concentrate, when I sleep I feel so exhausted that I can't open eyes when I need to.

So though I don't feel depressed as much anymore I neither feel good, its like I have just muted everything out good or bad, for example if I was playing video games and was excited I would be glued to screen and tap foot and gently bite my lip, now I just feel like "meh, whats the point" sometimes I can be glued in a different way i.e I plan a 10 minute game and sitting there hours later, which is a common issue even leaving house, once its in my system I would do it as much as I can, so for gaming for example I might play game for hours a day every day, then have a day off if say I had to visit a friend and that will break the cycle and even if I turned game on I wouldn't want to play it despite nothing having changed its also why I can't drag myself to bed often as I often am barely awake and staggering at tea time but know if I go to bed then will be awake midnight and up all night, so keep myself awake to midnight and then sleep to 10-12 its more my brain works by pure patterns.

I think its a bit of the teaching old dog new tricks sort of thing, despite me hating this pattern when I break it such as go to bed early or goes out of the house it makes me feel weak as its a shock to the system.

OK now Part "2" and reason I started this response.

Since its been 13 years since problems began I find myself disconnected from life more and more, and as fallout struggle to get back into things, not dated anyone in 14 years so I am lonely, struggle with social interactions for same reason (though I am autistic too so its even worse) I freak out as everything is a shock to the system but when I ask social work or occupational therapy for help they say both funding cutbacks is a problem plus as I can get out of bed, and cook etc I am too high functioning to be seen as a problem.

Maybe call this part 3, when I first had the death in family I moved away 2 years later as the local gossip said we did it, I moved to a lovely town and started college and things were going great for a while though my feelings were different I did enjoy where I lived, after 8 months I moved and had my first bi polar flatmate at same time I got a chest infection so was bedridden for 2 weeks which made college chuck me out and at same time as that roof got damaged so leaks and mould came through so bad enviromental health was involved and said any worse and we would be chucked out, my bi polar flatmate didn't pay his share of rent so we were illegally evicted, I then started university and enjoyed the town but felt isolated and like a small fish in the big sea, then had a flatmate who stole from others, ran up huge utility debt as had 2kw heater in his room 24/7, heating set to 35 degrees on thermostat and refused to chip in for bills saying he was poor, the walls were also so thin and my other flatmate had a surround sound stereo against the wall where my bed was as well as regular sex with her new boyfriend, and the walls were so thin even with no tv or speakers on you would hear burping or farting no joke!

This lead to years of moving away and feeling worse at every place.

This leads to my final part, last year I used my savings to become someones lodger in the town where I first lived away from home, whilst I felt uncomfortable as it wasn't my home and had no home comforts I enjoyed the nostalgia of the place and not just that it was a beautiful place to live. I kept my main place and spend a few days between both every week.

Each time I go back to parents I love it there too, problem with both is there is "no work" there and terrible local hospitals and councils.

I have been torn for years between moving back to somewhere that costs more than where I live now (which has good employment prospects and a lot of culture around various towns and cities) excellent transport links and in a council house and staying put for those reasons.

So I will never be happy but the current place has no attachments for me, I could move back to somewhere with no work and even walking down the street is enjoyable, going for a pint would feel enjoyable, I would be close to family but lose council house and no chance of work there.

I need in reality respite there.

whitewing

Have you discussed the prospect of moving with your family? What do they think?

(Can't write more at the moment. I am okay but not chatty).

Izadora

Although there are places which seem as though they would make you happier are you sure that you would still enjoy walking down the road and going for a pint once you were actually there and dealing with the reality of the lack of jobs and poor hospitals?

About the only advice I have is my usual "toss a coin". If you're struggling to decide whether to stay put or move then there'll hopefully be a split second as you flip the coin where you know which way you want it to land and there's your answer.

mellymoo74

CCTV was a hit
Was watched sleeping

Dogs
Shower
Bus

mellymoo74

Have a trink picture to celebrate the face he has had initial assessment and I need to be there from 3 tomorrow