Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

jobbingmusician

I do love your explanatory posts, WaS - I learn LOADS from them! Thank you xxxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, you are welcome, JM. Writing it out helps me focus on a single thought so that the background thoughts fade so it helps me too. I watched a programme about Catatonic Schizophrenia a while ago and was horrified that they were leaving people quietly in their frozen state to come out if naturally, it is the worse thing to do. We need something to ground us so we can focus on that rather than the rushing thoughts, even things as simple as giving us an ice cube to hold or holding our hands and loudly saying stop can be enough to halt the thoughts. Our bodies are frozen but our minds certainly are not.

System

quietly freaking out slightly

haven't been in MH services for 4 years.

[penguin]i remember even back then they said they might not take me on, they only did as i'd just attempted suicide and from that i got 3 years of psychiatrist and cpn. [/penguin] I'm scared. I'm scared they won't take me on, i'm scared that they will take me on. I need more support but i don't know what support i need. I know long term wise they want me off my mood stabaliser as it can cause serious heart problems (lol i asked the doctor of anything else worked as well, he said no but it has cardiac problems). I'm scared of being off my meds cos even with support my mood will crash/raise dramatically with catastrophic results. I'm scared they might get me off my meds then leave me on my own.


On top of that anxiety above anything i feel like a failure for going back to them. My ex made a massive deal of how good it was that i'd been discharged but he never stuck around to see me struggle on my own over the next 4 years. Eurgh.

Sorry i needed a little rant

hugs and warm handshakes for all, i'm off to hide in the fort till my appointment comes through

seven-day-weekend

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I haven't done a long post for while but here is one about disordered thinking in Schizophrenia. I am struggling with it today and it might help someone, it will help me by writing it out.

Schizophrenia is characterised by disorganised thinking. The best way I can describe this is imagine 10 tvs on 10 different channels playing all at once. Your task is then to make sense of the information each channel is giving you. It is relentless and like this from the moment you wake until the moment you sleep. The programmes change on the channels too sometimes within minutes so they can be about many different things throughout the day.

There are constant thoughts about all kinds of things flooding your brain, one thing this does is make completing tasks very hard because you try to concentrate on one while there is all of this other input. I can manage at the most two tasks at once on a good day, if I try more than that my mind freezes and I become locked up. This means I cannot physically move, I cannot formulate a clear thought to raise my arm or take a step, in fact if I try to take a step I will likely fall over because there are so many other thoughts that my brain cannot complete the task. Although Catatonic Schizophrenia looks very still it is incredibly busy in your brain, you have thoughts firing constantly with utter confusion and you are unable to pick a clear thought out of it even to tell you to move a finger.

Because I am high functioning I am able to use thought-blocking techniques to combat some of this. For example, I can imagine the thought I want to follow physically growing larger in my brain while the others shrink (I see the thoughts as words on a piece of paper and imagine the paper growing larger). Another technique I use is to raise my arm rigidly in the air and I shout stop, the action and the word allow a reset in my brain which momentarily blocks the thoughts and allows me to start again. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful psychiatrist who taught me these methods of control.

However, there are still things I cannot do. I cannot have a tv on often because the voices add to the thoughts and they start swirling around my brain too, I usually sit in silence. The same goes for audio books or music with lyrics. Following conversation can be very hard face to face. I cannot walk and talk at the same time, I will simply forget the conversation or fall straight over my feet because there is so much else filling up my brain. I can usually only manage to do one thing at a time, I can only bring one task into focus, anything else gets lost in amongst all the other thoughts. This severely limits what I can achieve and can be dangerous if it involves things like remembering to both turn off an oven and remove food, There have been many occasions where I will turn off the oven then take the dish out with my bare hands because using an oven glove gets lost in all of the other thoughts. My mind says take the food out but use an oven glove gets lost somewhere under cats are cute, the sky is blue today, I have an itch, I need to brush my teeth, umbrellas keep you dry, my t shirt is green,etc. These random thoughts are with me all the time all pushing to be heard.

It is exhausting physically and mentally and it never stops. It is never quiet. Some days are better than others, I hope for the thoughts at least to be linking to each other so that there is a pattern I can follow. Today is particularly hard.

Once again an eloquent and insightful post, you can help others so much, WaS xxxxx

elsien

MU, you wouldn't feel a failure for ongoing support for a physical problem would you, so this is no different.
Remember the appointment is a two way process with you as the important one. Would it help to write some of your anxieties down - then you can wave them at people or not depending on how you feel. Try not to do the brace face routine with them though - it doesn't help at times like this, and it is impacting on your job and day to day life at the moment.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

jobbingmusician

I looove this thread - people say such helpful and sensible things. All I can say is that SDW, it sounds like I feel sometimes at 3 o'clock in the morning. I worry and worry about things, and then in the morning I realise I was worrying FAR too much. Same thing with you - you are worrying BECAUSE you're not so well at the moment. Once you start talking things through, and hopefully get some decent help, your worries will begin to melt away. In the mean time, what would you like delivered to the fort? I thought a haystack sized pyramid of candy floss might be a nice start.....

Izadora

WaS, thank you, as always, for your fantastically clear explanations.

MU, I hope you manage to get all of the support you need (even if you're not currently sure what it is) and that things calm down a bit soon.

whitewing

I am slightly fed up. Sent a list of available times/dates to someone for a meeting and he has confirmed the day but an hour earlier than I said. Which means getting into work earlier, changing childcare etc etc.

Littlewing makes me laugh though. I went out yesterday, leaving her to make the Easter cards. We were going to do 'Some bunny loves you' cards. I get home and there are beautiful homemade cards but after the 'Some bunny loves you' she has written to everyone 'and also I love you'.

tea_lover

Awww WW, that is so cute!

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