Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Waves_and_Smiles

Well done, tea! Remember you have very good reasons for wanting to leave, change is always scary but this sounds positive!

Big hugs Faerie, I hope you got through today the best you were able and feel a little more at peace with everything you have been through.

What a pain, Lambyr! You need lots of treats! Or failing that play an FPS game!

My UTI is gone! I still have some antibiotics to go but I seem all better. No psychosis either, crossing my fingers the worst is over.

Waves_and_Smiles

Sara is gorgeous, I want her hair! I have never tried it that game, I know it is very popular so maybe I should!

faerielight

I did it guys!!!!!Thank you all sooo much for all your support It's so hard to put yesterday into coherent words, but here's what happened..

penguin


The family treated me and my friends and Nina like dirt on their shoe,We sat to the left, they to the right. I was meditating and calling on my angels and guides, and the archangels, to be present, when the sunlight poured down on me from a window and blinded me in light and peace fell upon me. I felt Anna with me too, and felt so connected , it was symbolic and needed!
The con man, michel had the audacity to turn up, noone spoke to him, I knew he would come thouugh. One of my cousins saidf he is contesting the will and has "evidencve" that my mum owed him money which is rubbish, but he is a vewry clever criminal,

I got really distraught when I saw the coffin, but the service was not at all what I expected! There was no eulogy at all, none of the family read anything out, not sure if it was as they were so upset, but the heavy weight of all my mum's secrets and skeletons was so palpable, maybe they were scared they would unravel.
The vicar talked in euphemisms, parables about of you hurt a child you hurt god, I knew he was talking to me, he said that she wasn't exactly a church goer, but she had asked to see him a few weeks before she died, and when he came she told him to go away, and when he came again, he offered her the holy oil and she refused! He couldn't find anything good to say about her except that she left to the world her chocolate cake recipe, which was on the back of the leaflet.

The wake was awful, the family shunned us and refused to make room at their table. It reflected one of the parables the vicar had said about when you come for food, feed them, when you come for shelter, give refuge.

Then the vicar approached me, and said he needed to talk to me, he said that the service words were for me, and me alone, which I knew. We sat and it was so strange, we looked into each others eyes and communicated without words. I asked of she had confessed anything or even mentioned me and he said no, but I saw that he had looked into her soul and he knew her darkness and that she had wounded me deeply. it was such a profound connection.

Then I started telling him quietly about why the estrangement happened, about the letter she wrote, condoning the sexual abuse from her cousin, and how the family hate me as they think I'm the evil one. I then said that there was a bigger thing, that the family knew nothing of, and that I had never confronted her about. I said that I didn't think I could say it aIoud, but he said I could so I told him she had sexually abused me, and he wept. I said I felt guilty about the letter I wrote her with the last sentance being "all you have is what's written on your soul, and your soul is heavy and blackened with the weight of your sins" and he said that every word was the right word to say.And then he said, what she did to you.. some things are worse than murder.He said that if he thought that there was a trace of evil in me he would see it and tell me, but that there was none. My guilt lifted from talking to him and I feel so much lighter. He asked about my faith and I told him that my beliefs were that we are here to learn lessons for the evolution of our souls, to remember who we are and to love. He didn't question it or try and convert me, he seemed to accept my beliefs.
.
I clearly had antagonised the family by talking to him, although they couldn't hear what was spoken, they changed tables and sat next to us, so he gave me his number.
The con man, michel had the audacity to turn up, noone spoke to him, I knew he would come thouugh. One of my cousins saidf he is contesting the will and has "evidencve" that my mum owed him money which is rubbish, but he is a very clever criminal, so I'm dreading having to fight him.

When we went to leave,I went to hig my uncle and he pushed me away and held his arms out ridgedly psyching me out, and still trying to exert power and control, said that if I want to get the kewys to the house I have to go to the scattering of the ashes and that my aunt had things to say to me.. They are crazy of they think I'm going there for more hate.. they shunned me at my dad's funeral, they shunned me at my mum's.. it's over, it's time to walk away in peace and dignity. He is the executor of the will though, so it's a real problem for me.
I asked my uncle if anyone was going in Nina's directions and he just turned away from us, didn't even say goodbye to her, check how she was getting home, she is 80, she's just lost her beloved sister Anna last week, and was 70 miles from home, and had come alone . it was so disgusting.It's one thing them treating me badly, but to treat her like that was just awful.
So we took her home, the journey took 6 hours, but she was such a delight. I am devestated to lose Anna as we were so close, she only passed away last week, she was my rock and my positive mother figure,It's so strange that I've lost my 2 polarities of mother, in the same month, smy mum, darkness and Anna, light but Nina is wonderful, and I'm so glad that we had her there with us.

I walked with integrity, in the light, I treated them all with loving kindness and the truth did come out, albeit in euphemisms, in the service, even down to the photo they chose of her, which emanated her darkness,and the vicar finding me and letting me know the service was about me and her sins, it was all in absolute and perfect synchronicity.
I still have grieving to do, of what she never was and the amends she never made, it is so painful, but I KNOW I am strong enough to get through it and there will come a day when she doesn't haunt me in my head, and peace will come. . The battle scars are part of me, the PTSD/BPd trauma , but I will heal a lot, and I think I already have. What I want to do is give back the shame, guilt and projections of "bad" and heal the dynamics that have been such a part of me. . They don't belong to me, any more, but they never did, and I really feel like I know who I am for the 1st time in my life. I have never had a spiritual experience as strong as I did when I was in the chapel, and I've never communicated without words as deeply as I did with the vicar, it was all pretty amazing and transformative, a massive weight has been lifted and I am so proud of myself and I am so strong! I just wish that I didnt have to deal with the stress of the con man and my uncle, the estate situation is so messy.. I pray that there is enough left for me to buy a small 1 bed flat for me and my cats, I would love to be able to provide shelter for Ali, my bestie too, but I don't know what's left, my mother remortgaged half a million and I don't know what debts she had, they are keeping me in the dark, but I will contact the solicitor next week and try and take the reigns, not sure how it all works though with the executor and the logistics and I hope it doesn't cost money to counteract the con man contesting.

whitewing

Faerie, what an uplifting post. I can feel your sunshine from here.

Gingernutty

There's nothing like the adrenaline rush and sense of wellbeing after something you've been dreading goes better than you expect.

Well done Faerielight!

jobbingmusician

faerie, that is a lovely post and I hope everything works out for you, now. Sorry I've been so quiet - it was an exhausting Aintree and I didn't realise I've been off this thread for THREE WHOLE DAYS! :eek:

Love and squishes to all ~~~~~~

Waves_and_Smiles

That is lovely, Faerie! I am so happy for you, it sounds as if you have found peace. Rest now and get your strength back.

Well done Penitent, you did it! If you are anything like me you will feel shaky for a while so lots of self-care is needed! It is over, you can breathe again.

seven-day-weekend

Penguin to Faerie:

I'm so glad you had your experience with the vicar, what a kind, sensitive and perceptive man he must be. And just remember, if things are ever too awful, that you now have someone there who empathises, someone who you can share with and who will understand.

Don't ever think there is no-one, regardless of how you family treat you.

Wishing you well.

End Penguin

faerielight

thank you everyone!! I feel strong, and def more at peace, but do feel some sorrow today, and absolute exhaustion, but it's to be expected

jobbingmusician

Penitent - what you are saying sounds terribly terribly like the experience of a friend of mine who has just been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. Whether or not you have any elements of this, have you tried lying under a weighted blanket? I know my friend finds this very comforting.

If anyone is interested in reading her blog, it is at https://finallyknowingme.wordpress.com/ (I may have already said this, in which case apologies.)