Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

heartbreak_star

calleyw wrote: »

Massive (((HBS)))

Not sure what to say. Is it more about the fact that he has not been truthful or the smoking itself that is the issue.

Maybe when you are feeling a bit better. Why not sit down and talk to him. Tell him that its not about the fact that its his health he is effecting but yours as well. And then there is the cost as well. And also you want to trust him.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Yours

Calley X

Thank you Calley

I think it's a bit of both...and when he first quit that was what I said to him and it's blatantly not made a blind bit of difference.

The fact he's lying isn't as much of an issue as you'd think - better a bit of a fib here than him hiding something bigger - but he if he was struggling why didn't he say something?

I don't want to be a nag, but he knows how much I hate it and it would seem he thinks it's OK as he's not doing it around me.

WW - I could deal with a cigar every 9 years hahaha! I think it's a dealbreaker for me and it kills me to admit it.

HBS x

Izadora

((( HBS )))

When I had pretty much the same situation with IzHe my problem was much more the lying than the smoking but I do understand what you're going through.

Giving up is incredibly hard and he might not have talked about how much he's struggling because he doesn't want to seem weak to you. There's also the fact that, as a smoker, his sense of smell will be shot so he probably doesn't realise how obviously he stinks of cigarettes.

Does he know that it's enough of a deal-breaker that even if it's not done near/around you that you can't cope with it?
As much as it'll break your heart if he doesn't make the choice you want you need to let him know what you can and can't live with, and be very clear that you will leave if it doesn't stop.

I'd wait until you feel a bit better but you really need to talk to him about it. At least if you prepare yourself for it you're much more likely to be able to put everything across calmly which will hopefully make him more likely to realise how serious it is than if you explode at him the next time you get home and can smell smoke.

heartbreak_star

Thank you Iz, he definitely knows it is a deal-breaker - I can just about cope with it at LARP events as everything is outdoor but I really don't think he realises how much the smell clings

I always told him to talk to me if he was struggling - but I am also fairly mad because how can he NOT realise it's affecting me? My cough has gotten worse since before I realised...

And he's asthmatic

HBS x

tea_lover

Is the smell there only when he's been out with smoking friends, or is at other times too? If the former, it could be that he isn't smoking but just brining the smell home with him..... although I do appreciate that's unlikely.

As an ex smoker (of 10 years now), it took many, many attempts to stop completely. Honestly, I'd start again right now if I could get away with it. It's not on for him to lie to you (if that's what's happening), but it could be that this is more of a blip than a complete dead end.

heartbreak_star

Nope it's all the time tea and I could ALMOST live with the cigarettes if it wasn't the other stuff too. It quite honestly turns him into a complete @rse.

HBS x

Izadora

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I could ALMOST live with the cigarettes if it wasn't the other stuff too. It quite honestly turns him into a complete @rse

I definitely get where you're coming from with that but I presumed it was his friends rather than him.

With IzHe it was that it makes him absent, rather than an @rse, but it was a deal-breaker for me too. I can handle the occasional one but when it was habitual it was a big no-no and I was very clear that he was welcome to choose to carry on but I wouldn't be sticking around if he did.

Even though you've told him that it's a deal-breaker you need to tell him, as calmly as you can, just how close to the end of your tether you are and just how much it's affecting you physically as well as emotionally. I know how good I am at lying to myself that my actions aren't really affecting anyone all that much and I sometimes need someone to point out how glaringly obviously I'm hurting them before I can admit it to myself and try to change my behaviour.

heartbreak_star

Thank you everyone *sigh* I hate this kind of talk haha!

HBS x

tea_lover

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Thank you everyone *sigh* I hate this kind of talk haha!

HBS x

Me too! Although I am starting to realise that a calm conversation (or at least, an attempt at one) generally goes better than not saying anything, trying to ignore the issue, silently seething for ages and then having a bit of a rant about a seemingly unconnected thing. I'm sure most people realise that when they're about 16.... I'm a slow learner :rotfl:.

codemonkey

I still haven't got that tea :rotfl: I am such an emotional wuss.

Could you maybe look at some compromises hbs? Like if he's with his friends he has to shower and change his clothes as soon as he gets home and really cut down on the other stuff. The smell of that really clings. Could he maybe switch to using a pipe instead, especially if he's quitting tobacco? And if he's that much of an @rse, then maybe when he smokes it, he has to spend the night on the couch?

I honestly think smokers are oblivious to the smell. I used to date a smoker and when I went to his house and mentioned it was stinky he was surprised.

Gingernutty

Today, I had one goal.

Create a list with little boxes, little bits of information in those boxes from five seperate sources ( lots of Click. Minimise. Read. Memorise. Click. Maximise. Type. Repeat), learn about a sixth information source (yet another closed database) and learn how to do book clinics.

Today, my goal was not realised.

I took messages, passed messages on, asked for help a lot, ran around looking for a working photocopier (so much for the paperless office), cancelled stuff, reappointed stuff, booked stuff and stuffed envelopes.

I've got to create tomorrow's clinic list asap for tomorrow morning. It is going to be a clicketty clicking clickfest of clickiness. It's got to be done before 11am.

How I'm meant to do that in 3 hours when I couldn't get it done in 5 hours today, I don't know.

Why one source can't create one list is beyond me. It is appalling.