Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

calleyw

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Thanks calley
Will be okay probably just had enough

I know. But you are still fighting for two people so need to cut yourself some slack.


Yours

Calley

elsien

What Calley said.
With everything that's happened, of course you're going to have days when you just really really don't want to play any more. But don't let yourself believe that it's you. Because it isn't, it's just a combination of !!!!!! situations that have happened to you all in one go.

mellymoo74

Thanks both.

The job was a no cos they want current one to stay, he's going to try and get me in as an assistant which would work (if he does)
Just tired

elsien

Gitdog and I are off to bed as well. He has one final thought about his current training regime that he would like to share with you all.

whitewing

hugs for gitdog and melly.

pyxis, I am not ignoring you. I don't know how to explain about the bulldozing comment. (It was the mother who was the bulldozer, not the child). You will see if you watch the series, which is very good. I think it was episode 2 with the speech woman.

SingleSue

Sorry I have not been around, had to take middle son back to uni last Sunday and it absolutely cream crackered me, so my visits to the forum have been sporadic and only for a short time (I even lost track of the split the cost thread!)

Had a low day today, first one for quite some time so I am doing the opposite to what I normally do (hide away and not post) and actually posting. No idea why it was a low day or why I randomly burst into tears at lunchtime and have felt like doing that again all day though.

I don't have a git dog, I have mad/stupid cat. He thinks he is one of the children instead of a cat and expects to be treated like one of them too, mind you, it's an improvement on my late departed cat who thought she was a dog.

mellymoo74

Tomcat just attempted to play with a lock of hair which would have meant a lovely scratch on my face.
We have discussed personal space again (I talked he yawned, blinked a bit and tried to bite me)

Is there somewhere I can go for awhile so it all stops just a couple of days should do it please pretty please I will be good
OH is now panicking that we will be evicted, I will not be able to cope ever again, oh and I will leave him. Have pointed out that I am not very well and need him to be quiet for a little while.
Froo is not even allowing me to leave her in a room for 10 min without howling and scratching I think she might be worried.

SingleSue

whitewing wrote: »

hugs for gitdog and melly.

pyxis, I am not ignoring you. I don't know how to explain about the bulldozing comment. (It was the mother who was the bulldozer, not the child). You will see if you watch the series, which is very good. I think it was episode 2 with the speech woman.

I couldn't watch it. I watched the first episode by accident as it was on the hotel telly and I couldn't get the telly to change channel. It brought back far too many memories which I had managed to bury in the back of my internal cupboard and took me back to the bad black days of when the boys were small.

I prefer to look forwards now anyway, back then there was no hope, there was no potential for them and every day was an uphill struggle of appointments, therapies and angry parents because middle son (usually) had done or said something which had upset their little darlings or angry now ex husband because youngest had him as an invisible person or was just sat like a sack of nothingness in the corner of the room not responding to him.

It was also at this time that I was going into my horrible slide which eventually ended up in a complete mental breakdown, so the programme also dredged up those feelings as well.

Sometimes I think I should have a clear out of the messy dark cupboard in my brain...but then I think it would be far too scary and depressing so the door gets shut and locked tightly again and I practice avoidance of anything that could trigger the door to open.

System

codemonkey wrote: »

For me, a relationship isn't a magic fix-all solution to a self-esteem problem. As much as I love Mr CP, he can't fix the years of damage done by my family, bullying at school, so-called friends, destructive exs and my own self-criticism which is blistering and I can't expect that from one person. It's pretty dangerous to base all your self-esteem on one person because if that person falls away, or lets you down even once, you're screwed. It's less about having someone love you, in a real way with all the negatives too, and more about believing you're worthy of love, from other people and yourself. Obviously, I'm working on this and one of my biggest lessons is to try to be gentle with myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I still berate myself for screwing up a recorder performance at school when I was 10. So now I'm working on treating myself as I would another person, because I'd never talk to someone else the same way as I talk to myself.

It was the bleedin window company who were rude to me. Been worrying that something happened to my parents and they want to discuss windows that I've already replaced.

I have to agree with you Code, i think for many years my self esteem depended on another person, and that wasn't healthy. I know after the break up with the abusive ex it took a long time to build back my self esteem. And for years after that i still felt i was worthless.

Although Swain is wonderful and supportive, and although that does help with things, i needed to beleive for myself that i was worth something first. I'm a lot happier since i met him but i;d say large pat of that is that i'm happier with myself, and i needed to be in the right place mentally before i was ready to have someone in my life. He does make me very very happy, but i need to make myself happy too. One thing i have learned is that you should never let your happiness depend on someone else, only YOU should have that responsibility. Other can of course contribute to it by all means but you have to look after yourself first.

Waves_and_Smiles

Morning all!

Well, yesterday was a disaster. I feel better now. I fought the psychosis for a while which made me worse because I had anxiety as well as hallucinations, emotional swings and rushing thoughts and then I just went away for 30 minutes. Apparently I was staring at the laptop, not moving at all, not responding to WaSp. I remember nothing of this as happens sometimes with the catatonia. When I came back I took the highest dose of anti-psychotics I can take and went to bed. I slept for 12 hours or rather knocked myself out for that long. I can't remember dreaming or waking up at all, I had barely changed position when I woke up.

I feel much better today, the voices have dropped back to a mumble, my emotions are fine and my thoughts are normal. I have no idea why that happened, nothing caused it. This is where I get really frustrated because I can be having a great time but if my chemicals mess up it cripples me. Believe me, it is the most annoying aspect of psychotic illness because sometimes there are just no triggers and nothing you can do to prevent it. Your brain chemicals decide they are going to imbalance and that's it.

It makes me feel utterly useless and pointless as a human being, I can't be relied on for anything because I can become ill at the drop of a hat for no reason at all and it's completely unpredictable. I hate it, I can be fine one day and chatting to people and laughing, the next day I am a danger to myself and cannot be left alone with the most horrid thoughts in my mind. Completely out of nowhere which makes it very difficult to plan anything. Can you tell how much this frustrates me? I get really angry at myself.

Poor WaSp, too. He never knows what he's getting up to. He was planning on visiting Milliefleur yesterday and obviously he couldn't go which let her down too. She really worries when I am unwell so it also upset her day. WaSp has no idea if he is going to wake up to me being totally fine or really unwell. Yesterday I couldn't bear for him to even move, it felt like everytime he so much as lifted his arm he was sending atoms floating around the room that were preventing me breathing and I started choking because I thought the atoms were filling my throat, nevermind him talking. His voice felt like the words were solid matter and were filling the room and squeezing the oxygen out. Yay delusions! So he had to sit very still and just watch me to make sure I was safe for hours, this isn't fair on him, the poor man must have been so bored and all of his plans for the day went out of the window.

Argh, I hate myself today.

I am still very drugged but if I carry on for a few days on a higher dose of medication hopefully it is over for this time. At least I slept well? I don't want psychotic illness anymore. Someone make it go away.