Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

calleyw

WaS,

Massive hugs.

Penguin about weight

WaS that is how I feel. That if I am fat then no one will look at me and like me and that is what I deserve as I am not good enough to have a relationship or friends.

I then hate myself for letting myself get to this size. But food is my only comfort. I know how to lose weight and eat properly. But I think whats the point as no one wants me anyway. So whats the point!!!!

Penguin end

Yours

Calley

Izadora

Penguin reply to Calley and WaS I'm with you on the using weight almost as a shield. I've been big for the vast majority of my life, even when I was a kid, and there's kind of a comfort in being able to use that as a reason for people not liking me. I think there have been times when I've kind of shied away from losing weight because if I was thin and people still weren't attracted to me I'd have to accept that it was actually me, rather than my weight, that they didn't like.
Stupidly, it seems that my belief that nobody would want me was more likely to stop me noticing when somebody did than actually stop them liking me - my OH had been trying to make me realise that he was interested for about 5 years before we got together, it took me losing 5 and a half stone to be confident enough in myself to accept that he might like me...

I have no idea what causes me to eat the way I do but sometimes it is definitely more like a compulsion to eat than any actual desire for what I'm eating. Then I hate myself for being fat and useless and giving into cravings so eat more because "why not, I'm fat and disgusting already" and it's almost a punishment. I wish I could have a normal relationship with food which would allow me to eat sensibly all of the time. I have occasions where I get the balance right but, for the most part, it's a constant cycle of either dieting or eating appallingly.

WaS - I hope you hear something about the ESA form soon. I can't quite understand why they would reassess daily, they know how many forms they have to get through and the average time it takes so surely they should just deal with them in the order in which they arrived?

calleyw

Izzy,

have a massive hug. Thats how I feel and not sure I ever will have a normal relationship with food. Not sure I ever have had one.

Yours

Calley

tea_lover

Food penguin
Last night I ate a huge bag of aero bites. Even whilst eating them I was thinking that I wasn't particularly enjoying it and wanted to stop... but I still ate the lot. I just sit there and shove them in as fast I can, like I have no control over my own arms. This happens at least 2-3 times a week.
End penguin.

calleyw

Tea,

massive hug.

The same as me. I have no need or real want to eat it. Can't afford it money or weight wise but I do the same at couple of times a week.

Penguin -Food issues

last night I bought a packet of M & M crispy, the new caramel digestive nibbles and a packet of oreos. And ate the lot. And that is a light weight binge. often its a much more than that. Recently I have been buying the frozen triple chocolate gateau and eating it frozen.

I am so ashamed that I do this. I can sometimes go a few weeks and then bam!!! I start all over again., Ruining all the good work I have put in.

Penguin end

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

I am having a terrible day, I am not well at all. There is no reason for it, just my chemicals messing up probably. My thoughts are rushing, my emotions are somewhere between wanting to smash things up and burst into tears, I feel like there is no oxygen and I can't breathe and voices are screaming. I have already taken extra anti-psychotics without a second thought. On a CBT psychosis scale this would be an 8-9, I have no idea what to do with myself today. Stupid chemicals!

Izadora

((((( Calley ))))) I can totally sympathise with that. Penguin I think that the only thing which stops me from doing it more regularly is living with my boyfriend. I sometimes look forward to evenings when he won't be there so that I can eat in private and nobody has to know how much I've had End penguin.

((((( WaS ))))) I hope everything calms down soon.

calleyw

On a different note.

If you have a mywaitrose card. Yes I am not posh :rotfl: But you can have a free coffee everyday with it. not that I have bothered.

I got vouchers today for a free item. So popped down would be rude not to partake and got the said item and the coupon was for more than so item so got the extra taken off the bill :rotfl:

Was doing other errands. Paying in the rent money from lodger. Pain in the backside. Hes got some silly account where he has to load his card up to take cash. Why he does not get a basic one I don't know. And pay me electronically. Would save me time and hassle.

Went to the library to return audio books and took some more out and also dropped off stamps and a couple of donations to the charity shop so not a wasted trip.

Oh did I say that on tuesday had a debt collector around for lodger. I did not answer the door as it was 9am and I was not up or dressed. Not a happy bunny about it :mad:

On the upside all my free water saving doh dahs have arrived. Now have a thing to install on my shower that when you press the button drops the flow down to a dribble. So while lathering up etc it cuts back on water :T

Yours

Calley

calleyw

Izzy,

even more hugs (((((Izzy))))

Penguin food issues

I do it when alone to. I am just to embarrassed to do it in front of someone as I can imagine the look of disgust on there face.

I hide the evidence. It gets shoved in bins or under the bed or sofa for me to clean away later.

I hate myself for doing it. but just can't seem to stop.

Penguin end

Yours

Calley

Izadora

((((( Calley )))))

Well done on having that productive a day.

Have you spoken to your lodger about the debt collector? I know you've said in the past that he has issues with money but I would be seriously unimpressed with that and if it happened again would probably give him his marching orders.