Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Lambyr

Aww those pictures are gorgeous.

Pyxis

Izadora wrote: »

It would've been fine if you had, it would've saved me the bother

:rotfl: :rotfl:


(Of course, what I did mean was that having any people in it would spoil it! )

calleyw

Izadora wrote: »

Calley - I'm glad all's still going well with Lego Man and love the fact that he's open enough to tell you that he missed you. Have fun at the soft play.

Izzy,

I am still finding it very strange that anyone could/would be interested in having a relationship with me. But slowly coming around to the idea that someone would. My self doubt does some times niggle at me.

I think the reason I am happy with it all. is I know where I stand and he keeps me in the loop about stuff. And even when he is on nights and has had about 4/5 hrs sleep he still wants to come out and meet me during the day. And we text everyday.

He said last night "I must be doing something right" as when I went out shopping yesterday I bought him sweeteners for his hot drinks rather than sugar.

I did run round with the phews and went on the slide a couple of times. Wore me out and I came out then messing about collapsed while my SIL just laughed :rotfl: they are lovely boys but very hard work.

Got a head ache and feel queasy after going on the slide :eek:

Lightweight I know.

Yours

calley

Izadora

calleyw wrote: »

I am still finding it very strange that anyone could/would be interested in having a relationship with me. But slowly coming around to the idea that someone would. My self doubt does some times niggle at me.

It's not strange at all, you're lovely and there's no reason why he wouldn't want to be with you. That said, I do understand self-doubt wobbles and have no idea how to get rid of them.

I'm glad you had a good time with your nephews, how old are they? My OH's niece and nephew are 2 and 5 and, lovely as they are, they are absolutely exhausting!!

faerielight

Hi guys.Penguin it just in case.. really long rant about cutting contact with my dear friend and medical stuff ..

. I'm feel really devastated.. It reached a point with the friend who has the hypochondriac/health anxiety when I have had to cut all contact.. As you know, I have tried putting the boundary out for him to modify his graphic language regarding health for months now, but I have not been able to prevent him from sending me his daily multimedia updates, that were getting stranger and stranger..

The latest was that he could no longer speak words any more to to his perceived "brain damage". I suggested sitting in the park and bnoth colouring as a way to spend time with him, but he refused saying that it would involve him holding up "yes" no" cards and he was allegedly too weak to do that.. the final straw was 2 nights ago, when he sent me an audio recording of him doing his PIP forms with an advocate, and it truly disturbed me.. He was making noises as if he had severe learning difficulties, or brain damage, it was so triggery, as I heard people in the ICU with sepsis, like I had, and head injuries sounding like that, and I had to draw the line.. The email he sent was that once I had heard it, I would categorically believe him that he has brain damage, but I don't believe him.. It made me angry too, as he did seem to forget, and speak a bit, when the lady had come back in the room, and it was as if he remembered, and made the noises again.. The other thing that angered me was his embellishment of his "illness", and he assured me in the email that he was not exaggerating anything,. but the lady managed to interpret his noises to fill the form, with the help of his yes no signs, and he communicated yes to every question, such as having no control of his bowels or bladder, having to have someone clean him up, to not being able to swallow meds or food unless a carer was present so that he didn't "black out" and choke to death.. he indicated that he couldn't stand up to cook.. He sent me 5 youtube videos 3 weeks ago showing himself cook bone broth for 18 hours, standing, talking scrubbing pans..
It's one thing putting down your worst day on benefit forms, and another, totally lying.. and it really angered me..

He seems to have "copied" most of my illnesses from m.e to bowel problems and incontinence, from convinced he will have to have a colostomy, and it is really weird..

My theory is that he had an extreme stress reaction when he was in my flat for almost 4 months looking after my cats when I was fighting for my life.. I also think that he saw the "attention" I got from my other 2 friends when I was in a coma in the ICU, and they had to make decisions regarding my sepsis treatment, and subconsciously thought he would get attention via fabricating illness,. I think part of him does believe it, because he has seen so many quack private doctors and naturopaths who have told him he is ill, but he didn't believe what I said, that they are telling him this to get his money. The last time I went to his flat, his kitchen has so many natural remedies, it looked like a regime of a terminal cancer patient, and of he is feeling physically ill, it's because he has been on drastic diets, cutting out whole food groups and doing heavy "detoxes". He has developed a fear of toxins, even wifi waves. He didn't seem to get that we have kidneys and lovers to detox naturally. He had all his mercury fillings out, that didn't work, then he bought a magnetic mattress topper for £700.. his "treatments got more and more bizarre and extreme.

I know that all of this is mental health related, his decline over a long time, . A few months ago he kept going to a and e begging to be put in psyc hospital but they refused and kept sending him home, and I can only think that because that didn't work, he then started going to a and e in 6 ambulances a week, professing to be dying, and they did every test under the sun and found nothing physically wrong, so now he has developed this mutism with "brain damage" type noises..I really think he is in the throws of psychosis, but he backed off from spending time with me months ago, because I didn't corroborate that he was life threateningly ill.. he told me he felt betrayed by me, because I of all people should know that a and e can get it wrong and blame physical symptoms on mental health, but it was different with me.. I had a giant hole in my bowel and I nearly died.It is not the same!

I feel so sad about having to cut contact, but it has been exacerbating my PTSD for months, and I've tried everything to help him.. I went to the psychiatrist with him 3 weeks ago and he could speak perfectly, and he was being offered a cPN, but he doesn't engage with mental health services as he no longer believes he is mentally ill.I have been, and still am so terrified of him killing himself, but he told me a few weeks ago he had tried to hang himself, from the banisters, and then told me he was lying as he was a buddhist and would never harm himself for fear of coming back as in insect.
So I messaged him yesterday and told him I could no longer be in touch, that I still loved him, but until he works on his mental health and can be in contact without triggering my PTSD, I want no communication with him.

This is the 1st time I've ever cut contact with a friend, but I couldn't take it anymore. And he hasn't spent regular time with me for months and months , so I've been grieving the friendship anyway. This has been a significant friendship, one that I thought would last forever. He was my platonic surrogate BF after my ex love of my life left me.. .. he looked after my cats with all my hospital admissions, he was so funny and sweet, and I saw him as the 3rd prong to my friend family.. I am devastated, I have never known anyone go this crazy and think they are sane.
His mum lives in australia and she's a FB friend of mine so I contacted her and told her what has been going on, as it was the last thing I could think of to do.. I've called mental health services countless times, and his GP. Anyway, it is very sad and I'm really upset and low.. He was the friend I saw the most, he used to come over 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes more to watch tv and movies.. I've spoent every christmas with him for years.. It is a big loss and big hole in my life, and it's killing me spending 6 nights out of 7 alone.. I am going to try and go to the BPD centre a bit more during the day.. I'm struggling to connect with people there as it is really cliquey, there are tight knit groups that don't even say hi, and congregate in the cafe, and there is never any room to try and sit with them so I've been sitting alone and feeling lonely in a crowd, but I'm going to do a 6 week photography course starting next week there, and going to start going to the clay group, as well as the monday support group, and maybe go to the art roo and do some colouring on a thursday when people can do their own projects. I feel so lost there thoug, and I didnt expect it to be as unfriendly as it is.. Hopefully doing some groups I will get to know people slowly, and my close friend who goes there is doing the photography class too, so it should be ok. I need to bust my social phobia and try and fit in there, and maybe eventually I will make some new friends.
Sorry for the long rant.. penguin end

Lambyr

PENGUIN reply to Faerie

Hey. I'm sorry, I'm probably not in the best state to reply. I went out for a couple of drinks tonight with a friend having forgotten to eat today and feeling it a bit so this might not make as much sense as it does in my head but I just read your penguin and I'm sorry... I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down and that your friendship has come to that.

You've got to put yourself first though, and for what it's worth I believe you've made the right choice as hard as it is in ending your friendship. I won't pretend that I know how hard it is though but I know sorta what it's like when you desperately want to help a friend but you can't... and then sometimes it is best to back off because your own wellbeing is important too.

I understand loneliness. I was lonely for so long. E and I have been friends for years and years but we only used to see each other once every few weeks. I'd see some other friends sporadically. Most of the time it was just me and my mum. A few years back I met a guy through an online game and we started talking through Teamspeak pretty much every night... we get on, have a similar sense of humour... he met a girl last year and the selfish part of me went into overdrive cos all I could think was that I'd be on my own again cos he wouldn't have time for me any more. I guess I got so used to having that little connection with the outside world that the thought of it going away terrified me.

It's not the same. I know it's not but I dunno, I guess I figure maybe you might not feel alone if you know that someone else has felt that way? I think what you're planning sounds good - the photography courses, the clay thingy... it's good, positive and shows a lot of bravery. I'm weak with that stuff... I did Open University courses thinking I could make new friends but I guess I just don't have the right personality cos I never seem to get noticed. Or maybe I just don't come across well... could be it.

But I think maybe having a friend who already goes to the photography could be nice. Maybe they can introduce you or something? I dunno, guess I'm kinda rambling... but good luck with it all. You're a good person and I'm sure people will take notice of that

Sorry if this hasn't been of any help whatsoever. But I didn't wanna go bed and not reply first. Hope you don't feel too down. You've done the right thing.

END PENGUIN

faerielight

Thank you so much Lambyr.. I really appreciate you reading my loooong post! and replying.. I really needed to get it out a bit. Loneliness is such a killer of happiness, it really is.. I never could have envisioned being this lonely, as I always had so many friends and I was mostly in relationships too.. Illness, disability and trauma of recent years meant that many friends dropped off when I lost my health. And now I can't ever imagine not being lonely.. I think the other reason why this friendship break up is so hard, is that spending so much time with him, suppressed my grief about my ex, I It sounds so stupid, as we broke up in 2010, but I was so in love with him, and I was just starting to try internet dating when the bowel perf happened, and I never found anyone else.I still miss him so much, and I can hear his voice in my mind and I have a lot of intrusive memories of happy times with him.

. I'm so glad you have your GF, it must be so lovely to be in love. with your friend as you both must know each other very deeply already:)

Torry_Quine

Faerie that's not easy as your clearly a caring person. It's strange to say but I get very lonely at times even though married, it's never easy.

Pyxis

Faerielight I've no suggestions to make regarding your friend, I'm afraid. That is so outside the scope of my experience that I doubt anything I'd say would be helpful.

Maybe WaS could throw some light?


Regarding the BPD Centre.. It's so much more difficult being in a room with several groups of people, than when there is just one small group. It's one reason why I'm hopeless in a party or big meeting situation, but fine in an evening class or dinner-party situation.

One tip might be to look and see if anyone else seems to be on their own, and start chatting to them. Or even have a chat to one of the organisers there, and tell them that you're finding it hard to mingle?


Otherwise, the idea of the small group activities seems the best way. There, you can look at other people's work and start a chat about it, or ask them for advice, etc. Much easier.

Do persevere, though. It's always hard being a new person. Make sure you say hello to everyone, even if they don't seem to respond. They might be having a bad day!

Also, even if they seem to be chatting away to other people, they might actually be shy, and/or not sure how to bring a new person into the group. Everyone there has their own problems, after all, and communication might be one of them!

It might also help if you got there early, so that you can start chatting to individuals as they arrive, rather than having to enter a room already full of people having their own conversations.

If the worst comes to the worst, it might just be a matter of going up to a group and saying " May I join you?", pull up a chair, and introduce yourself. Not easy! Especially as the fear of rejection is such a strong emotion!

Keep trying! I'm sure it's the way to go!

faerielight

Thanks Tory.. and I know that you get lonely too I do love my friend so dearly.. His mum has been in touch today.. she is coming to visit him at the end of the month and seh is worrying as to how it will go, when he can't speak, so I've given her my number and offered to meet her for a coffee when she is visiting.

.. Pyxis.. thank you for your reply.. the suggestions are really helpful.I am really friendly and say hi to people and I have tried to say hi to the groups but they don't look at me or say hi back.. I think one of the probs is that they have very small tables that fit 4 or 5 max, and the rest are spaced out far appart, so it's not like you can sit at a nearby table and turn your chair round.. I'm going to put in their suggestion box an idea to get a couple of bigger tables.. I really think that might help. My keyworker says that all the newbies are finding it unfriendly and cliquey on the whole in the cafe and she said they are going to have a think as to how to make it easier, maybe buddying up, or peer support. I think the other prob is that the groups come in 1st thing and stay all day, but because of my health, I can only go for 1 or 2 hours and not early because of my insomnia and m.e, but hopefully the photography course will help a bit, plus I'm going to a newcomers 1 off group next week, so that should help.