Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Pyxis

((((((((((((Lambyr))))))))))))))

I'm crying again! (What am I like!)
That really struck a chord.


"Nights bring promise of something new.
A chance to run from the day departed"

That is so true for me!


Beautiful, beautiful poem. You're very clever. :A



But you know, you're not a horrible person at all; you're just trying to find your way through the murk, like so many of us on here. That's why we can help each other!

And as for behaving oddly.................join the Odd Club!

Lambyr

I think my brand of oddness might be a bit much for some.

I'm going to PENGUIN this next section, and I strongly advise people who are feeling sensitive not to read it as it involves suicidal ideation and references to drugs.

PENGUIN
I go through phases where I'm very low. Sometimes they last a couple of days, sometimes a few weeks. I don't know. The stuff I was on about yesterday, which I won't go into again, kinda has a lot to do with how I'm feeling at the moment.

Last night I was researching helium. I won't explain why. Some might know. Those who are really interested can look it up on Google but again, I strongly advise people not to.

For the record, this doesn't mean I'm planning anything. There's a perverse side of me that feels she lacks control over her own life, and this is something I could control if I wanted to.

I was crying a lot last night. Anyway, I'm reading this article I found somewhere in which the author mentions that helium has claimed more lives than a bunch of banned drugs, and they named cannabis as one. Somebody in the comments section picked up on this, wrote a clearly-joking post about a conspiracy involving "Big Cannabis"... I went from crying to laughing uncontrollably for about ten minutes over the very idea of Big Cannabis.

In the same comments section, a well-meaning person made some Noel Edmonds-esque comments about positivity... this led to someone rather sarcastically making a crack about giving suicidal people balloons and a smile... and again, I found this irrationally hilarious and couldn't stop laughing for about twenty minutes.

And I know the reality is that none of that stuff is particularly funny but my mind gets so confused at times that it's like a coping mechanism... that my mind tries to bring itself out of despair spirals with finding humour in something morbid. I've always had a dark sense of humour and that's probably a coping mechanism in itself, that I can take the darkest, scariest stuff and turn it into a joke.

But there's also my concern that I don't relate well to others. I've never fit in anywhere. I struggle to empathise with what people are feeling at the best of times, and when I'm down I can't do it at all. It's not that I lack emotion, because I'm quite capable of feeling bad if I hear something horrible has happened, but sometimes I just can't connect what has happened to someone in a way that I can empathise with them... I've wondered sometimes whether I might be somewhat autistic but then I think that would have been picked up by now, and it's probably just me trying to look for an excuse for the fact that my mind is a lot like a malfunctioning computer network, where the client and server aren't in sync and the client sends a request for data while the server is randomly firing off the wrong data in response.

Or maybe like an interrupted file transfer or something... I get that there's a problem, I get why it's a problem but the bit on how I'm supposed to react to that is never received.

And this all leads to the issue where I'm liable to start babbling away (much like I am now...) without really thinking through what I'm saying or how it might impact others, because my own fears, anxieties, insecurities etc. are interrupting that file transfer, or just bogging down my client/server connection with my brain's internal network. I don't mean to be like this. I don't mean to upset anyone, but I know I could quite easily and I really don't want to.
END PENGUIN

Anyway, I'm glad you liked the poem. Don't be too nice about it though or I'll just end up spamming up your thread with them.

Lambyr

And on that note... Here's another poem (removed the PENGUIN... but it is a bit vulgar in places!)

A brand new puppy, a tiny bundle of joy,
So cute and excited, this sweet little boy.
We look on with glee, as we watch him explore,
the world before him; opportunity galore!
With boundless energy, our new faithful friend,
sniffs all around him, new things to comprehend.
He rushes around from sunrise to sunset,
Time to go out, boy!
Oh, he's wee'd on the carpet.

Still accidents happen, and he is still so cute,
though his endless yapping makes me wish he were mute,
Finally worn out, our little boy takes a nap,
and then the phone rings, and it's back to the yap.
It's early days though, things will surely improve,
I say as his teeth from my shoes I remove.
You've got your own food. No you can't have that!
And almost in spite he's started shagging my hat.

Call me crazy but I'm beginning to think,
Andrex puppies had something slipped in their drink,
Not once do I recall while playing with bog roll,
did they eat it, smile and throw up in their bowl.
You keep on grinning through those mischievous lips,
I'll get my revenge when we give you the snip.
I leave for a moment and he starts to cry
And when I return he's poo'd on the floor.
I sigh.

I can't have a bath without him wanting to join,
yet if I bathe him myself he goes for the groin.
There are times I think this was all a mistake,
to tolerate this one must be a fruitcake,
He barks and he cries and he causes a mess,
Tearing up papers, who's he trying to impress?
Yet for all this commotion I smile as I see,
Snuggling in my lap, snoozing.
He's the dog for me.

Pyxis

Well, I totally get your post about how you feel. Totally. :A

You're not odd at all. Well, not to me anyway, though maybe it's a case of it takes one to know one?

Someone I once knew and I said we were the square pegs, but just lately I've felt I'm more than a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, more like a jagged great triangular peg!



And another fantastic poem! :T:T

Was the puppy yours?
I don't think you needed to penguin it!

And if you want to spam the Muse thread with poems like that, spam away!:D

Waves_and_Smiles

Awww, Lambyr, big squish! What a wonderful poet you are!

Penguin for you

You have a lot more empathy than you think you do, you have always been incredibly supportive of other posters on the thread. I have very dark humour too that I try to keep off the thread, particularly when I'm feeling desperate. As for the helium, you know it's really not worth it and I know exactly what you mean, I have that t-shirt and many others along the same line. I can't say more because of MSE rules but I am very familiar with relying on something to make myself feel better and feel more in control. Isn't it funny how relying on something that effectively puts you out of control makes you feel more in control? I have always puzzled about that one with myself.

What can you do to make yourself feel secure? Would writing help? I used to write page after page of poetry if I was feeling low and it did give me some relief. Can you talk to E about how you feel?

Honestly, you can babble here as much as you want, have you seen the size of some of my posts? I can talk forever about nothing and indeed, that helps me because somewhere in the babble eventually something will click into place and I will start to understand why I feel as I do.

Also, I am totally with you on the short circuiting brain. Mine does that all of the time. I am very empathic but too much, and as for day to day living and practicalities my brain just doesn't associate what it's supposed to so I end up doing the mental equivalent of staring into space. I think sometimes one's brain gets so overloaded that it kind of seizes in place and the information just doesn't get there anymore? So any sense of how to react appropriately to a situation goes flying out of the window, for me at least.

Keep talking to us, Lambyr. We are all here for you and care a lot about you. You have only been our thread for a little while but it feels like you have been here for years, it really is so lovely to have you around.

End penguin

Lambyr

Pyxis wrote: »

Was the puppy yours?
I don't think you needed to penguin it!

And if you want to spam the Muse thread with poems like that, spam away!:D

I've removed the penguin but put a vulgar warning instead. It's nothing *too* bad, I guess, but I didn't know whether the "hat" bit might be a little much.

It's sorta my dog as a puppy... but she's a girl. I had the idea for the "snip" and "hat" bits and wanted to include them so wrote the poem as being a boy dog.

The rest of it is very, very true! :rotfl: She was a nightmare when we first got her... but it's cos she didn't know any better isn't it? So you get stressed with her but she just wants to be loved and accepted... not unlike someone else, I guess.

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Awww, Lambyr, big squish! What a wonderful poet you are!

PENGUIN reply (and I'll try and remember and actually penguin this before pressing post this time... sincere apologies if anyone caught the full text of the last one before I edited it to put the white in).

I don't know what I can do to feel secure. I think about this *thing* (the stuff from yesterday) and all I can think is that again, I'm gonna be one of the ones punished for it. Things aren't exactly easy now but if we go into recession and the government starts hacking up benefits again, they could get a lot worse for me... and I just think, well what's the point? Why keep struggling along and getting the s### end of everything because people I've never met, who don't know me and don't know everything I have to do say so? How is this fair? How can I believe that things will somehow be OK when they just consistently get worse? I've already lost out to this thing... I checked on that screenplay but the company is based in Europe and didn't want to do a deal with me cos of the uncertainty and I wasn't even gonna get paid for that!

I've actually been feeling physically sick cos of my worries about this thing. And I dunno... but I just find it harder and harder to believe this has a happy ending. I keep trying to be positive, to try and think of the future but it's like the light at the end is dimming because the tunnel is collapsing and there's no way out.

But truth is it isn't just that holding me back. It's my own motivation. I have a screwed up self-reward system. I don't do anything for me unless I get praised for it, and that's likely only cos my mind rationalises the praise as being making someone else happy. Case in point, Pyxis praises my poem so I go and write another poem. I've been saying I'll write a novel for two, maybe three years.... and I've got very little done. I even own the domain name for pen name, and still not done anything of note.

I dunno what it is... maybe it's cos I'd basically be writing for months and no one would see it so I wouldn't get any praise, so I wouldn't get that sense that I'm creating something for someone else to enjoy and so I just can't get started. Or maybe I just can't clear my head enough... I have these moments of supreme single-minded focus on one thing but I can't figure out what triggers them and how I can use them to my benefit.

I try and downplay my neuroses around E. Haven't seen her for a week cos she's poorly either.

But I'm also wary that even if I penguin something here, someone might read it who could be harmed by it or upset by it and I don't want that either.

I dunno... thing is though I know that the really dark thoughts will pass (stuff about the helium) but more and more I can't shake the feelings of hopelessness and all these fears about what might happen.

Thanks for your kind words, though. They are appreciated, even if they may appear to have just prompted me to start spieling off like a loon!
END PENGUIN

Pyxis

Hear! Hear! WaSsie!

I second that emotion!..........(song?)






...........Oh yes!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI_0tQdEA5k

faerielight

Hi guys.. I'm low today.. same old.. feeling isolated ,and injured. and so fed up with going all week alone in the evenings. and managed to have 2 fall outs with friends in the last 24 hours, one of which was my fault, the other, not so much. I did call the bpd centre today and tell them I cant come in cos I've injured my foot.. they was nice, they said I can ring every day exept sat for a quick chat.

On the subject of poems, I wrote this when my beloved cat Merlin was put to sleep a few years ago.. I'll penguin it:[/COLOR]


I am bone tired from traveling that hard last mile with you…
of meds and vets and the uncertainty of which precious moment would be the last...
So heavy, so sodden .. This weight of tears, this burden of love.
Yet if it were possible, for you to return, my heart would leap
And drop all, to be by your side again.
How flimsy is weariness when balanced against
one more glimpse, one more pitter patter of fuzzy feet on my wood floor..
To smell your rain soaked fur?

Come back my friend.. Come back!
My conceit decrees that it was not your Time.
Yet who am I to decide your fate?
I am the one who nursed you, eased your fears,
And still held on, I am the one who loved beyond pain,
Through exhaustion.

Yet if the sands of time in both worlds were poured out for me
Could I have stopped your soul from its homeward journey
Or ease the wrenching of your death?
Now the autumn sky darkens, I look inside for illumination
As the trees are mourning their leaves,
A question forms slowly..
For whom do I mourn?
You.. Silver dust in a heart shaped box? Or the other you.. free from the shackles of illness, and running free, playing in the sunlit woods.
Or me.. Wandering my hard last mile,
Without my foxy faced friend to walk by my side.

Penguin end

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin for Lambyr

I totally understand, probably a lot more than you think. For a long time I based my self worth on others opinions, if people told me I did something well then I felt good about myself because I had made them feel happy, if I had to do something I wouldn't receive recognition for I didn't see the point. Basically, I saw no point in doing anything just for me because I didn't think that I was worth anything in the first place, I lived to make others smile. I am still a bit like that now, no one dislikes me more than I dislike myself and it is huge to me if someone praises me because it means they are feeling good. It often seems pointless for me to do something that might make me happy because I don't believe that I deserve it.

After this I am going to make a post about the whole referendum thing, I think if we clarify it a little then it should be fine to discuss it. It affects me a lot too with me being dependent entirely on the state to live, without benefits I would literally on the street with nothing I could do about it. I don't even have family or friends I could stay with so I do understand your worries.

I wish I could magic it all away for you but I can't. But I do understand and share your fears.

End penguin

Lambyr

Hi faerie. So sorry you're feeling low and you've hurt your foot. Your poem was very emotional and clearly very raw. Thanks for sharing

Hope you start to feel better soon. It's nice that the centre said you can call for a quick chat each day.