Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahaha! Awww, that makes me feel better, tea and elsien! As I have said before, due to the strong tranquilising effect of my medication and the fact I analyse my every thought before it gets out of my mouth WaSp and I rarely argue. I am unbelievably laid back most of the time. So for me to suddenly react spitefully is very unusual and leaves me feeling very guilty. I am also scared to be angry so I get even more scared when I am. I apologised so much WaSp told me to shut up!

I was wondering about charities, tea. Perhaps we can find some visitors for Milliefleur throughout the week.

Pyxis

WaS, have been out, so haven't read all the replies yet, so apologies if I miss something.


My first reaction was extreme anger with BIL, which I know doesn't help much.
Does he still receive a Carer's allowance?
If so, :mad::mad::mad:


My next reaction is: Nooooooo! WaSp mustn't do that! He mustn't leave you for hours in end, and you mustn't say he can!
What WaSp has to weigh up is, who has the greater need of his time? An old lady who is lonely and wants company?
Or a partner who would be in serious risk of hurting herself or property if left alone for > four hours. Please, please, get WaSp to consider that.
Scenario 1: what could be the outcome if he didn't go to Mill?
Scenario 2: what could be the outcome if he left you more than four hours?
He has to weigh that up, and we both know the answer.


Have MiL's social workers said she can't be left alone?
Have your SWs said you can be left alone?

WaSp would be taking a great risk leaving you. Sorry to be blunt, but I am very, very concerned that this is even being considered again.

WaSp just has, HAS to explain this to MiL. He has to. She loves you. Does she realise what a risk WaSp would be taking?




Next. You must tell your social worker. Ok, even if MiL can't get any more carers, her SWs may be able to explain why WaSp can't be at her beck and call.
Plus I am fuming if BIL is getting carer's allowance and doing B....r all! So tell your social worker that, too.

.

Pyxis

Really, the only answers that mean she can have constant company are for her to live with her relatives or for her to go into a care home, neither of which she will do. Or of course WaSp moves in with her which would mean setting up carers to check on me and will totally destroy my mental health to be honest. A Rock and a hard place!

This has, has, has to be spelt out to MiL.

Sorry to be harsh, but it has to. WaSp has to stop pu$$y-footing around her, he really has to.

Your whole care package could be jeopardised. WaSp must understand that.






Edit.
It needs to be spelt out to MiL that she has a choice.
A)sheltered housing
extra carers/company
C) insisting BIL pulls his weight or his carer's allowance will be withdrawn
D) staying in her own home and being lonely.
E) going to live in Yorkshire. Remind her of how she enjoyed being there last year.
It also needs to be spelt out that there's nothing wrong with the appliances and it's an excuse. However, one day there might really be something wrong and WaSp might have reached the end of his tether, and doesn't go.
Also, the effect on you and your care package if WaSp leaves you alone for 4+ hours.

This is where your SW, WaS, can help.

Are there any groups, churches, charities, etc. near milliefleur who could arrange for someone to visit her for a chat and a cup of tea? Maybe a youth group who are doing their Duke of Edinburgh or similar? It's difficult if she doesn't want carers, would she be receptive if she thought she was doing them a favour instead?

That's a great idea.

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes you are totally correct on all points, Pyxis. The calling WaSp and pretending things are broken is new ever since BIL stopped visiting so much. If Milliefleur does want to stay where she currently lives all I can really think of filling her days with activities. She is actually quite physically well and can go out to clubs, she also goes to church every Sunday. Believe it or not she can walk further than I can.

She is just very lonely and that makes WaSp feel very guilty so he tends to go to her even though he knows her appliances aren't really broken. If she does begin to lose some mobility this will only get worse as her care needs increase unless we can get something in place now.

I will speak to my social worker and see if she can get Milliefleur's social worker to check on her. I already know what my bubbly bulldozer will say, that WaSp's place is with me and to let social services find the best option for his mum. This upsets WaSp because he feels she doesn't understand his position and he knows they won't give Milliefleur what she wants because she doesn't currently need that much care. She is very lonely but mostly able to take care of herself with a little help.

Milliefleur has said she doesn't want social workers and carers involved which is new because she was accepting them 6 months ago. It seems BIL backing off has really scared her and now she fears going into a care home and losing her house so she is just refusing any help from anyone apart from her children and wants one of them there every day, all day.

I will be brutally honest here and this is why I am having abandonment issues. If it was a choice between Milliefleur being unhappy and my needs I am not sure WaSp would put my needs first. This is because there isn't so much guilt involved with me, I am not as scared as his mum, time isn't running out for him to spend with me and he knows I would reluctantly accept carers. However, I also know it would destroy my mental health to spend a lot of time alone which is where I feel like a burden. Already my BDP has flared just at the vague possibility.

This is just very difficult. We have even considered the possibility of a live in carer for her but BIL is against that because he doesn't want her to spend that much money so has put her off the idea. Instead he is telling WaSp he needs to step up which causes even more guilt. It is just a mess right now.

Oh and yes, BIL is still getting carers allowance for his one day visit per week.

whitewing

I know exactly how your BPD penguin happens and feels.

Could WaSp pick millefleur up every third day and bring her back to spend the day with you? Maybe if she knew she were seeing him that regularly she would be more inclined to be without him on the other days.

Waves_and_Smiles

That is a very good idea, whitewing. Thank you, I shall suggest it to WaSp. Milliefleur by nature isn't usually this emotionally dependent at all. It is ever since BIL backed away, it seems to have really frightened her.

I thought you might understand my BDP penguin. I am having to carefully monitor what comes out my mouth right now. When my emotions say I am so scared you are going to leave me, what comes out of my mouth is "oh, just go then, I'll be fine" because I am so defensive and trying to protect myself from the potential pain of feeling left. This is certainly not helping! BPD is difficult because my biggest fear is being abandoned but the hardest thing for me to ask is to for someone to stay with me. My damaged emotions just say end it now before I can be hurt again.

tea_lover

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

When my emotions say I am so scared you are going to leave me, what comes out of my mouth is "oh, just go then, I'll be fine" because I am so defensive and trying to protect myself from the potential pain of feeling left. This is certainly not helping! BPD is difficult because my biggest fear is being abandoned but the hardest thing for me to ask is to for someone to stay with me. My damaged emotions just say end it now before I can be hurt anymore.

Sweetheart, that's not just BPD, that's human nature! xx

whitewing

There is nothing BPD-wise that will cause me to leave this thread. I have been there/done it all (more or less).

Stick it down as a 'BDP penguin' if you like, then everyone will know that those are recurring thoughts from BPD that need to be worked through and we'll only chip in if need be. The few people who know about my BPD are still in my life, along with others who just think I am a bit odd.

Please don't make WaSp feel any worse than he does already. I have seen my husband split between me and MIL sometimes, including once when I get robustly told off on the phone by a doctor for not going to see her when we were poorly and she was ill. The doctor didn't know about my BPD but it had been made much, much worse by lack of sleep of all of us inc littlewing and the thought of catching something else on top was finishing me off.

You will be fine, but you will need to let WaSp love you both.

Pyxis

The social worker could spell all this out to MiL if WaSp doesn't, but someone has to.

The thing is that WaSp must see that there are solutions to the problem of MiL, but she won't choose one of those solutions. In which case he has nothing to be guilty of.

MiL's social worker needs to be told about BIL getting a full carer's allowance but only going there one day a week.,(I assume he's still with his drinking partner/girlfriend?) is he supposed to actually be living with MiL or just going in every day?

Do you know, WaS I really resent my taxes going to BIL, to fund his drinking and not working, while he only goes to Mil once a week. To be honest, if I knew who he was, I'd report him.
He was given his chance last year to step up to the plate and do what he's being paid to do, and now he's still reneging on it again, so MiL's social worker needs to be told.

calleyw

Afternoon campers,

hugs and squishes and hand shakes all round . And plenty of extras if anyone wants or needs them.

(((((WaS))))) what a horrible position for both of you to to be put in to. I would have said a lot worse and probably thrown a temper tantrum :rotfl:. I can understand how you feel. I don't have BPD. But I get very upset and uptight when people don't reply to texts. I think all sorts of things. They hate me etc. And then it goes off in my head and well I turn in to text fiend and need to get answers. I am starting to get better. But really do be have to careful.

I agree with Pyxis you MIL needs ground rules. I get she is lonely but there is no medical need there. I understand how WaSP feels he can't do right for doing wrong. I do hope you get something sorted quickly for all your sakes. As the last thing that you want to happen is everyone falling out and people getting ill over the worry of it.

On a different note. I went out to get kitty litter for the rabbit. And came back nearly £50 lightly. Don't ask, it was a visit to B & M and that was £21 ish and did included the kitty litter :rotfl: Then on to morrisons and that was £25. But in my defense I did buy a plant and some cans of fizzy. And just other bits and pieces. When I had brought it all in and put it on the work surface it was like :eek: there is nothing there :rotfl:

Need to think about going out soon.

everyone have a good afternoon.

Yours

Calley