Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Pyxis

Our WaSsie is down in the dumps.
Don't worry, she's not got the grumps -
The BPD's bothering
Her, so she'll be hovering.
Us Gold Lights'll banish her slumps!

Oh dear! Last week's Limerick Day
Has triggered my brain's Muse pathway!
'Til it's out of my system
You're all stuck with this! (Time
To wind up this limerick? Ok!)

Pyxis

Shamelessly filched from the Lolcats thread!

codemonkey

Haha. Excellent Pyxis. You always know tje right things to do and make me smile. I feel like you're the my slightly eccentric, and therefore favourite auntie.

WaS please post if you need to. We love you and want to help. Plus you tell us interesting things about your conditions. L

With ref to my situation, I am an emotional pacifist and uncomfortable with things like confronting people even by letter. Plus I don't think she'd pay attention.

I have another conundrum. I was a brave girl last night. I made an effort to socialise and went to the pub with some colleagues. I had one alcoholic beverage and managed to respond like a human rather than a socially awkward nerd. Why then did I lie awake last night feeling guilty and ashamed and embarrassed to face the people I went out with today?

Hope everyone else is ok and I wish a happy day with good mh for everyone.

onomatopoeia99

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm so glad I'm not on Facebook, I really could not be on with the endless selfies, self promotions etc.

It's not like that, or doesn't have to be. Depends who your friends are on it. In the last month, anyone on my friends list will have seen some photos of well known bits of Rome, random comments about things that happened while visiting there, me moaning about having a cold and no energy and ... that's about it. No selfies or self promotion, I never take selfies :eek:

If people fill up my feed with rubbish I'll unfollow them so I don't see it

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

Haha. Excellent Pyxis. You always know tje right things to do and make me smile. I feel like you're the my slightly eccentric, and therefore favourite auntie.

Only slightly?
(Memo to self....up your game, girl!)

codemonkey wrote: »

I have another conundrum. I was a brave girl last night. I made an effort to socialise and went to the pub with some colleagues. I had one alcoholic beverage and managed to respond like a human rather than a socially awkward nerd. Why then did I lie awake last night feeling guilty and ashamed and embarrassed to face the people I went out with today?

Because you were acting in a way that for you, in your mind, was uncharacteristic and so you're out of your comfort zone?
So, embrace the new sociable Code! It's ok, you don't have to start dancing on the tables!
I know what you mean, though. If I'm a bit too ebullient, I start to be concerned that people will find me tiresome... ("never!Pyxis!") ......whereas they probably haven't thought that at all!

onomatopoeia99

codemonkey wrote: »

I have another conundrum. I was a brave girl last night. I made an effort to socialise and went to the pub with some colleagues. I had one alcoholic beverage and managed to respond like a human rather than a socially awkward nerd. Why then did I lie awake last night feeling guilty and ashamed and embarrassed to face the people I went out with today?

From one socially awkward nerd to another, if you find the answer, please tell me. People seem to like the person that comes out when alcohol counters the normal crushing anxiety, so why do I worry so much about going in to work after? This happens once a year, and it's not like I get falling down drunk, just a bit tipsy, which everyone else is as well anyway.

tea_lover

My fb friends are mostly subjected to the odd photo of p cat, or a check in at a gig or day out (I was v excited about the recent Jason Donovan outing lol).

How's everyone doing today? Am so glad it's Friday! Think I overdid the caffeine yesterday and slept v badly, could have cried this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed. Made it to work ages ago but not getting anywhere with actual progress on the to do list. All I can think about is how glad I am to get a lie in tomorrow

onomatopoeia99

Also glad it's Friday, this week has been a struggle due to pre-dawn waking up every morning for no reason. I have a completely free weekend coming up and am very glad of it! Alarm off, don't care what time I wake up as long as it is not early, no need to get up for anything and can just potter about when I do Been ages since I had one of those.

elsien

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

From one socially awkward nerd to another, if you find the answer, please tell me. People seem to like the person that comes out when alcohol counters the normal crushing anxiety, so why do I worry so much about going in to work after? This happens once a year, and it's not like I get falling down drunk, just a bit tipsy, which everyone else is as well anyway.

I tend to work on the basis that whatever I've done, someone else in the room probably did far worse.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I got a Pome! Thank you, Pyxis!

Ok, so spit it out time. First a brief background. BIL has reduced the hours he spends with Milliefleur before carers were set up, this is partly BIL's fault and partly Milliefleur's because she doesn't want carers. What has been happening as a consequence is Milliefleur keeps calling WaSp and telling him things have broken, her tv, her cd player, the bathroom light,etc. When WaSp gets there it's all fine, we understand that she doesn't want to be alone or have a carer and this is her way of getting him to visit her.

It reached a point where WaSp said perhaps he should spend a few days a week with her and come home at bedtime. Now, we both know this is against my care plan but WaSp very understandably feels guilty and so do I. So this throws up a lot of emotions for me, huge guilt that I need WaSp to stay with me, feelings of being a burden and fear of what could happen to me if WaSp did spend several days with Milliefleur including what would happen if my social worker finds out and also what if I actually need him and he isn't here? These feelings are a huge BDP trigger for me and as I am still shaky from the ESA stress it's bad timing for logical thinking.

I am going to penguin part of the next bit. It isn't penguiny at all really but might be a trigger for those of us with BDP because I am going to be very honest about the feelings when it flares.

Penguin- Milliefleur called again on Tuesday saying her tv remote had stopped working, the last time WaSp saw her was Sunday. So WaSp said he would have visit the next day and my BDP just flared out of nowhere. One of the main triggers with BDP is fear of being abandoned, it is the driving force behind almost all of the extreme behaviours, we are terrified of being left. I immediately felt abandoned and all I could feel was blind panic. The fear of being left with BDP is way out of proportion to the incident that triggers it, it feels like total terror.

I spat out at WaSp "Well it's set in stone because I don't get a choice do i?" If that sounds bad I actually stopped what I really wanted to say. What I really wanted to say was "F off and move in with her and BIL then, I'll be fine". All of my defences shot up, it felt to me like I was going to be left so just let him go so it isn't so painful and it's over with. I just felt total terror and rejection that was completely out of proportion. Quickly following on from that my thoughts said serves me right because I am worthless, who would want to be with me anyway? He is probably desperate to leave, I want to hurt myself like I deserve. All of these thoughts flashed through mind in a few seconds flat.

Because I recognise a BDP response I apologised to WaSp and said give me 20 minutes. Within that time I rationalised it, calmed myself down and then apologised to him again and explained that I was frightened so I lashed out which WaSp totally understood. The good side of this is I can get an BDP response under control in 20 minutes now, it took years for me to be able to manage this and I am proud that I can.

The not so great side is my BDP is very triggered right now which means I can take the smallest thing as rejection and abandonment. So for now I need to be careful with myself and think before I openly react. The situation with Milliefleur really isn't helping, WaSp visited again today and when he left tonight she gave him her coffee maker to fix and said she needs it back on Saturday. Again there is nothing wrong with it, she just wants him to keep visiting and once he is there she tries to get him to stay until bedtime. She wants him there from 10am until 9pm at least 4 days a week when BIL isn't there which I hate to admit is putting me at risk. I am not supposed to be alone for more than 4 hours at a time. It puts WaSp and I both in a difficult position, WaSp because it's his mum and me because of all the reasons I stated.

End penguin