Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

tea_lover

WaS, thank you for sharing this. I can totally see why this would be upsetting for you (even without the BDP!)

This has probably been covered at length, but is the three of you (you, WaSp and milliefleur) ever living together an option?

All I can do is send a hug and a virtual Jaffa cake (or 10). But I'm thinking about you xx.

elsien

Thank you for explaining that WaS.
Reply

I don't know if this'll help or not but I don't have BPD and I don't think what you said and what you wanted to say were extreme, seems pretty normal for someone who's upset. I wouldn't get the extreme feelings of abandonment and worthlessness that you do but if I was p1ssed off that's exactly the sort of thing I'd be thinking.
End penguin
I have family members in a similar situation with ER who is home being incredibly demanding and find it hard to say no even though it's doing them or ER no good at all so you and WaSP have my complete sympathy on that front because there isn't an easy answer.

Waves_and_Smiles

At least 10 jaffa cakes please, tea! The thing is, Milliefleur could move to Yorkshire tomorrow and live with her large family. She won't leave the house she has lived in for 40 years. This is why sheltered housing which would also work is off the table, too. There is no room for us at Milliefleur's unfortunately plus BIL visits a lot so it is a no-go for me anyway. If my BDP is bad now, seeing BIL a lot would put it through the roof.

Unless Milliefleur compromises a little we are stuck and I have no idea what the solution is. Obviously, this is horrid for WaSp, he is torn between both of us and because I am triggered and feeling abandoned I just keep thinking tell him to leave and he can move in with her. Which is a ridiculous, overly dramatic solution and one I need to keep to myself!

elsien

We're thinking the same WaS - no reason ER couldn't get carers in and there's lots they could do for themselves if they had to but are pretending they can't. We keep saying to the main caring relative that they are enabling ER and they need to take steps to protect themselves but they just can't bring themselves to do it. Life's a !!!!!! sometimes.

Izadora

(((( WaS )))) That must be so hard for you all. Even if it's not possible for you all to live together, are you able to visit with WaSp at least some of the times he goes? (eta sorry, just saw your other post about BiL so can see that wouldn't be a good idea either)

Also, as has been said, I would've reacted in pretty much the same way as well.


(((( Code )))) Well done for being brave and socialising and sorry for the situation with your friend. It's never easy when people change after years of having known each other and it's even harder when you're worrying about them but know they're not going to listen to your concerns.

MU - that's so sweet of Swain's mum and I hope you have a fabulous time at the seaside.

I've spent pretty much my whole life living by the sea and my OH's and his family's excitement at being able to walk to the beach make me realise how much I take it for granted. I can understand people wanting to go to pretty seaside towns but could never understand why anyone would ever want to go to Southend for a holiday!!

WaS - If you ever want a fridge magnet of the longest pleasure pier in the world (even though I think describing it as a pleasure overstates things somewhat) then let me know how's easiest to get it to you.

Waves_and_Smiles

That's the thing Elsien, Milliefleur actually doesn't need someone with her constantly and I doubt social services would supply it. Before BIL reduced his hours with her she was spending days alone and coping fine. I think what has happened is because she isn't seeing BIL so much she feels scared and lonely so she has gone to the extreme of wanting WaSp with her all of the time. So even if she went into sheltered housing I am not sure it would be the solution because she wants someone physically there with her until she goes to bed.

Really, the only answers that mean she can have constant company are for her to live with her relatives or for her to go into a care home, neither of which she will do. Or of course WaSp moves in with her which would mean setting up carers to check on me and will totally destroy my mental health to be honest. A Rock and a hard place!

elsien

It's the same in that WaSP is enabling her in her demands in the same way by going over as much as he does. I'm not criticising him for that, btw, none of us know how we'll react till we're in the situation and it's very hard to step away from when it's someone you care about.

Has Millefleure considered extra care housing? These tend to be set ups where people have their own flat within a complex so there are communal areas where people can go for company/activities if they wish and staffing can be put in for those who need it as and when. It's the benefits of residential ref company and always having someone there in an emergency but still with your own space and independence. There's one I've visited where there's all sorts of decent activities, not just flipping bingo and loads of trips out. Most people there still have all their faculties so don't need help but were feeling a bit isolated, hence the move.

Waves_and_Smiles

It's worth suggesting so thank you! So far when sheltered housing was mentioned the response was that we want to push her to one side and put her in a home. It's difficult.

WaSp is in a horrid position because he never knows if what she says is broken really is. As she is almost blind if she says her TV and cd player are broken it means she has nothing to listen to so WaSp went straight round and both were fine. This is happening all the time since BIL cut back on seeing her. I get that she's scared and lonely but this isn't going to work long term.

Thank you all for saying that my BDP reaction wasn't that bad. I am normally so rationalised and measured that I rarely just blurt something out of fear, it actually scares me a bit when I do.

tea_lover

Honestly WaS, I would have reacted far worse! I'm definitely a "kick up a fuss and push people away before they get the chance to reject me" type of person.

Are there any groups, churches, charities, etc. near milliefleur who could arrange for someone to visit her for a chat and a cup of tea? Maybe a youth group who are doing their Duke of Edinburgh or similar? It's difficult if she doesn't want carers, would she be receptive if she thought she was doing them a favour instead?

elsien

WaS, you're talking to the person who strops round the house swearing at the top of my voice when I want to let off steam. I quite traumatised poor Gitdog the other day when I was slamming crockery all over the place. You want extreme reactions, I'm your woman. Maybe I need to take some lessons in self control from you.:)