Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

dandy-candy

Tory I don't have any words, I wish I had a magic wand to put all right but best I can give are (((hugs)))

Anxiety through the roof and don't know what if anything I can do about it. My eldest son has terrible eczema and has done since a baby. He is 26 and has left home, and his skin has been so bad the last few weeks that he has missed lots of work and used up all his paid sick leave. He went 2 days over by last week so didn't get paid, and today is off again. He would be paid if he got a dr letter but he doesn't bother because he'd rather sleep than get up for the appointment. I know this sounds harsh but as his mum I know he is really lazy, it's not just about feeling ill.

He goes drinking and like clockwork 2 days later his skin flares up due to the beer. He completely denies the connection but it happens every time without fail. Last week he went to A&E for his skin and got loads of meds, by Thursday he was much improved then decided to go out boozing with the lads on Saturday night. Of course on Monday he said his skin was bad again and today he didn't go in. I rang and told him to see the dr this afternoon. He said "ill just have a bath and see how it goes"

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm just watching someone self destruct. For the first time ever I'm wondering if I should just reduce my contact with him because I can't bear to watch this go on and on.

Pyxis

dandy-candy wrote: »

Tory I don't have any words, I wish I had a magic wand to put all right but best I can give are (((hugs)))

Anxiety through the roof and don't know what if anything I can do about it. My eldest son has terrible eczema and has done since a baby. He is 26 and has left home, and his skin has been so bad the last few weeks that he has missed lots of work and used up all his paid sick leave. He went 2 days over by last week so didn't get paid, and today is off again. He would be paid if he got a dr letter but he doesn't bother because he'd rather sleep than get up for the appointment. I know this sounds harsh but as his mum I know he is really lazy, it's not just about feeling ill.

He goes drinking and like clockwork 2 days later his skin flares up due to the beer. He completely denies the connection but it happens every time without fail. Last week he went to A&E for his skin and got loads of meds, by Thursday he was much improved then decided to go out boozing with the lads on Saturday night. Of course on Monday he said his skin was bad again and today he didn't go in. I rang and told him to see the dr this afternoon. He said "ill just have a bath and see how it goes"

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm just watching someone self destruct. For the first time ever I'm wondering if I should just reduce my contact with him because I can't bear to watch this go on and on.

This is a tricky one, isn't it, Dandy?

For anyone other than a parent, it would be easy to say, yes, step back and let him make his own mistakes.

However, for a mum, it's not that easy.:(

To be honest, I'm not sure what the best approach is. Whether it's better to keep up a dialogue with him, and/or to point out the danger he's in.....that is, of potentially losing his job if he keeps taking time off sick, especially when it is apparently brought on by his drinking....or whether for your sanity you should have 'a break' from the helplessness and futility you are feeling.

What do other people think?

Savvy_Sue

I don't know what I'd do, but I do know a little about eczema, having lived with DH's skin for a very long time. He has sometimes been really ill with it: occasionally to the point of being signed off.

To me it sounds a little harsh to say he is lazy because he'd rather stay in bed than get up for an appointment. Not completely harsh, just a little, because the sleep disruption - as I'm sure dandy knows - can be extreme.

Would it be worth suggesting that he keeps a diary of his activities, and what his skin is like on a scale of 1 to 3? (Keeping it very simple here ... 1 = OK, 2 = not great, 3 = too bad to go to work). I'm sure a doctor would find that very helpful. ;-) And because it's not Mum saying "look, every time you go out drinking your skin flares up really badly" he might be able to see it for himself.

And if it's bad enough that he has to go to A&E, then making a planned GP appointment and asking for a referral to dermatology would not be unreasonable. There may be a GP at the practice with a particular interest, or a dermatology nurse clinic, and they can be really helpful.

Izadora

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Would it be worth suggesting that he keeps a diary of his activities, and what his skin is like on a scale of 1 to 3? (Keeping it very simple here ... 1 = OK, 2 = not great, 3 = too bad to go to work). I'm sure a doctor would find that very helpful. ;-) And because it's not Mum saying "look, every time you go out drinking your skin flares up really badly" he might be able to see it for himself.

That sounds like a really good idea and suggesting it as something to help the doctor out will hopefully stop him seeing it as mum nagging.

calleyw

Izadora,


Hope you are well. How is it going with your mum?


Yours


Calley X

Izadora

Hi Calley,

I'm alright thanks and mum's doing well. It's slow going but there's definitely been a big improvement since she's been at the rehab centre. She told them that her main objectives were to be able to walk again and to manage stairs and they seem to be working her really hard to get there, she can now manage to get half way across the room with a stick and someone to lean on and managed about a flight of stairs in total the other day on the practise steps.

As an added incentive I've told her that while she's putting that much effort into her physio I should do something I'll find really hard too so I've said I'll do couch to 5K. I did the first run (well, walk and occasional shuffle...) last night and can't say I enjoyed it but it wasn't as bad as I feared it might be. So here's hoping that in a couple of months mum will be able to walk upstairs at home and I will be able to run for half an hour without feeling like my lungs are going to explode!!

I hope all's good with you too xx

dandy-candy

Thank you for the suggestions, sorry to vent here about it!
I got a text from him first thing saying his skin was leaking and could I drive him to A and E which I did. Before I left DH told me very firmly not to mention his drinking so I didn't. He asked if he could stay with us for a few days until he's better so ofc I said yes, and DD and I have been super cleaning the spare room for when he gets back.

He messaged to say they were doing blood tests and might keep him in and I asked him to see if he could be tested for coeliac. He has a lot of the symptoms and it's something I've wondered before but he's always dismissed it because he knows it means giving up the beer. He kept saying maybe, then "I'm 99% sure I'm not" I kept saying just ask anyway and finally got a message saying I'm really stressing him out, he feels ill etc. I sent him a message saying sorry.

I have a really problem with my anxiety, this panic mode happens a lot. I just don't know when to shut up. I won't message him again, I'll wait for him to get back to me. They have called the dermatologist dept and he might be admitted which tbh would be a good thing, he needs to be fully treated which is best with the drs, also work can't dispute paying him I think if he's in hospital.

dandy-candy

Iza that's good news about mum xx

dekaspace

First week at work, and I come home today to find back window smashed in, barely got through door to see police had arrived to speak to the person responsible, then a few minutes later knocked on my door to see if I witnessed it.


Just what I need to come home to!, works fine apart from that, but can't find this awful smell in my kitchen I think related to when I was cutting some cheese last week and some fell on floor though I thought I got all of it up.

calleyw

Izadora wrote: »

Hi Calley,

I'm alright thanks and mum's doing well. It's slow going but there's definitely been a big improvement since she's been at the rehab centre. She told them that her main objectives were to be able to walk again and to manage stairs and they seem to be working her really hard to get there, she can now manage to get half way across the room with a stick and someone to lean on and managed about a flight of stairs in total the other day on the practise steps.

Glad to hear you are doing ok. When you have someone with a serious condition you get forgotten. Had that all the time with my ex. Ask about him and never how I was coping. So I always ask the carer or family member first about them and then the ill person. also great that you mum is making progress. Oh yes they do work you hard in rehab. As they want to get you functioning and home asap.


My ex had a fab team in rehab. I know people knock the NHS but with out them he would probably be dead or not as good as he is. He still has no functioning hand and a dropped foot. but it could had been a lot worse.


I feel in limbo can't explain as I have no idea what or how I feel at the moment. On my own for a few days after tomorrow.



Yours


Calley x