Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

dandy-candy

Sorry to have been awol for a while, I've had this flu bug that seems to be doing the rounds.

Hugs to those in need, especially Stoke.

I didn't take my volunteering application any further. As much as I would like to do it I've come to realise that I'm not quite ready yet.

Can I ask if anyone has done CBT and if they felt it helped? I'm not feeling meds are putting me right, I need to reprogram my thought patterns and also learn to be independent. I greatly rely on others to help me get on my feet again and I want to learn to do this for myself, I think it's important that I do this.

Stoke

Sorry for not checking back in.

I went to see her last night and we didn't leave till 9:20pm. She was superb, as usual. She spends far too much time on me in my opinion and like I said before, her husband must be incredibly understanding of her work because that's seriously late to be leaving. She is helping a lot but it's so hard.
As Pxysis said, until the 'frightening' situation (perhaps the best description so far) is resolved there is no way I'm going to feel better. My worry is, it'll go the wrong way.... I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen now. My life is already on the floor.... I didn't think it could go much lower, but it can.

I went to the GP this morning, as advised by her. I've had chronic sleep issues for too long and I've not properly dealt with them and for too long I've refused to go and do anything, so I decided to go. I broke down in his office and told him almost everything, including everything on here and more that isn't on here. He thinks I have an early form of psychosis and that if I'm not careful, it might manifest and that he now wants to see me regularly. I begged him not to note anything down and he's promised he won't, because I know that a lot of people are prejudiced by mental health issues and once they're on your file, you have to declare them forever. I'm so so scared. Even after being told what he told me, and the fact I'm feeling things that aren't real (this idea of something controlling my luck), I drove home saying things I probably shouldn't and then instantly going "nope, nope, I'm sorry", believing this thing will punish me more. I know whatever this thing is, isn't real..... but the way my life has gone, it feels so real. It feels like this thing is stood behind me, holding me under water.... I've become another statistic.

Life continues to crash and burn. At least I have some medication to help me sleep now. He did say it might work, it might not.... Hopefully it will. Whether it'll help with my mental state, I honestly don't know.

Thank you for all the support.

Pyxis

Thanks for posting, Stoke.

It sounds like the session was very fruitful, and now your GP is on board, you should get the help you need.

I'm very pleased about that.

Plus, the fact that you can analyse your feelings is great and should be very helpful.

Your lack of proper sleep isn't helping, so I hope your GP was able to assist with that, even if only temporary.

You have acknowledged that the thing stood behind you holding you back isn't real, and that is the first step to be rid of it.

That reminds me of a Dr. Who episode, with Catherine Tate, where she had this alien thing stuck on her back. She couldn't see it, and other people sort of could but were puzzled, but Dr.Who could see it.
I can't remember what it was called.

Anyway, think of it as an alien stuck to your back, and Dr. Nut and your GP will help remove it.

Pyxis

This was it..... a Time Beetle in the episode 'Turn Left' with David Tarrant as the Doctor.





The pre-psychotic 'Time Beetle' is trying to control you, but it isn't in total control, and with help you can detach it.

Stoke

He has prescribed me Zopiclone for the sleep issues and i hope they at least help to resolve that particular part of my life which is just not happening for me. He was very clear about how he wants me to take them because apparently you quickly build a tolerance, so it's important I don't overdo it. I get the impression he wants to see if the drug can help me sleep and whether this will improve my overall mental health. I have to see him next Friday.

If you'd told me I'd be sat here typing all this, I don't know, 2 years ago? I'd have said no chance.... absolutely none. How life can change It's too easy to blame this on the breakup..... other people have relationships break down and they are fine. I think this has been a downward slide since then, and I just can't put my finger on how it's got to this point. I can acknowledge the thing holding me down is not real, but until this issue is resolved, I will believe it is controlling my life, because I believe it is controlling the outcome of this. I can't see how else I would be in the situation, because to me, like I described earlier, it feels like a game show. It feels like I should fall through a floor, get covered in goo and be told "surprise". It's ridiculous and I'm so scared It's the fear that's really killing me at the moment. It's one of the weirdest thought processes ever, but it's hard to rationalise. My life is on hold...... but I still have to function and live.

Pyxis

Yes, the fear is dreadful, and all-encompassing; it takes over everything, so that even little tiny things become fearful.

The break-up was the switch that clicked this on, wasn't it? Other things then come along and start to take on larger proportions, until they become massive, looming cliffs of dread. Gradually you become less capabale of functioning.

Hang on to the love of your family. I know you don't want to tell your parents, and that's fine. Have you been in touch with your sister today? Keep her in the loop, because her support will be invaluable. Does she live near you? Would there be any possibility of staying with her until the Frightening Thing has been resolved?

I am sending you a PM.:A

Pyxis

How are you doing, Stoke?

jobbingmusician

Hugs to Stoke (and to Pyxis, it sounds as if you are having a rather isolating and depressing time) and to anyone else who needs them. And to Torry, who I hope is out there reading.

Trying to create a whole lake full of blue light, so we can all gently dip our toes and gradually immerse our whole body, while the light dissipates all our fears. Come on in, the light is lovely! (Hoping this doesn't sound too simplistic. It really is worth a try.)

Stoke

Pyxis wrote: »

How are you doing, Stoke?

It's been a bit of a mixed weekend tbh. I did sleep well Friday, although I hadn't slept in days and now had these Zopiclone.

I went into yesterday trying to be positive but things got kind of worse throughout and I ended up leaving my mates at the football, to go home. I also found out my former partner had moved into her own house the day I was prescribed the medication. I know it was inevitable, but like...... you know what I mean? It's like, while my life is falling to !!!! and I'm now on meds, her life is turning out wonderfully. I was treated like absolute !!!! by her, especially after our break up, and while I would never wish her to suffer or anything like that, it just kind of hurts to know her life has turned out wonderfully after she caused so much pain in mine..... while my life continues to fall to pieces.

Awesome

Anyway, I'm trying to be more positive going forward. I want things to pickup and if I don't lift myself, they never will.

I also told my parents last night, which was hard.

jobbingmusician

Those sound like big steps forward, Stoke, especially telling your parents. We all walk through dark places sometimes (yes, even your ex partner. She will have her challenges in life too, even if things are going well at the moment.)

Do you know about the theory of karma? It includes the belief that when we are going through loads of bad stuff, we are working out stuff for our personal development. This sounds a bit saccharine, but it does help me sometimes, to think this!