Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Stoke

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Stoke. Please call a crisis team, NOW. Or an ambulance.

I have no idea what else to say, but we care. Please don't do this.

HBS x

It hasn't happened yet. Nothing will happen until I know for sure. Like I said, it'll either go one way and I will learn a wonderful lesson, that I believe will show me that I need to change....be more positive.... grab hold of life.... enjoy what you have.... don't take it for granted..... Perhaps that was what I was supposed to learn? Perhaps that was the whole point of this? If not, I cannot see the !!!!ing point? There is no point. Look at the world we live in. Bad people continue to harm the innocent and seemingly get away with it, with impunity?

I hurt nobody, literally nobody. I don't fight people on nights out, or smash bottles round peoples heads in bars. Since I lost my fiancee I barely speak to women because I'm too nervous and shy, let alone harass or abuse them. I go to work. I pay my taxes. I even started setup a standing order to Donna Louise which is a local Staffordshire charity because I wanted to give a little back. I don't want a whole lot in life. I just want to live without fear of being punished. I live with a constant paranoia that having had almost everything taken away from me over the last 16 months, that there is only one thing left. My family. They are the only thing i have left. I have a mortgage on my house, that would be too easy to take away from me. The family would be a much more painful way of punishing me next, which is why I cannot risk them. While life continues to punish me in what feels like the most sadistic ways possible there is no lesson, it's just punishment.

Like I said, if I could live the rest of my days alone without fear, I would at least be content. No it's not the life I wanted but we can't have everything in life. Having to live life holding these incredible amounts of fear..... I can't do it for much longer. The next few weeks are either going to make.... or break me. Over to Karma, or whatever it is that is playing with my life. You've taken almost everything from me already, if you've punished me enough..... let it go, if not. I will.

Pyxis

Stoke, as Heartbreak Star says, you must see a crisis team right away, or at least your 'nut doctor'.

You really must.

You are in a truly dreadful place.

Believe me when I say that I know what living in constant fear is like, I really do, and it is horrible, so I feel for you.

As you say, you live your life trying to be nice to people, a good citizen, etc., giving a little back, and life seems to just kick you in the teeth.

Are you able to tell us what the deciding thing is that might or might not happen? Don't if you don't want to. :A

Also, do your family show you that they love you? If they do, hold on to that. If they don't show it, do you know that deep down they do? If so, hold on to that.
If they are there for you, you are not alone, and certainly on here you are not alone.

What time is your appointment with the doc?

Stoke

Pyxis wrote: »

Stoke, as Heartbreak Star says, you must see a crisis team right away, or at least your 'nut doctor'.

You really must.

You are in a truly dreadful place.

Believe me when I say that I know what living in constant fear is like, I really do, and it is horrible, so I feel for you.

As you say, you live your life trying to be nice to people, a good citizen, etc., giving a little back, and life seems to just kick you in the teeth.

Are you able to tell us what the deciding thing is that might or might not happen? Don't if you don't want to. :A

Also, do your family show you that they love you? If they do, hold on to that. If they don't show it, do you know that deep down they do? If so, hold on to that.
If they are there for you, you are not alone, and certainly on here you are not alone.

What time is your appointment with the doc?

I am seeing my nut doctor (she burst out laughing a few weeks ago, when i told her that's her name in my phone) tonight. She's got me in for an emergency appointment after her usual hours end. I spent an hour, borderline in tears on the phone to her yesterday and she literally couldn't believe what I was telling her. I think she herself, was so taken aback, she essentially said "we need to do this in person", she couldn't get her head around it. She's very composed though and I have to say, she's helped me come a long long way in my life. I don't think I'd be here without her, but I feel like even this might be too much for her.

I used to fear things like not being liked. I'm one of those people who hates it when someone dislikes me. I don't tend to harbour ill-feeling towards people, even people who gave me a hard time at school, so when someone clearly dislikes me for no seeming clear reason, I do struggle. Now I fear life itself..... I fear what life will serve me up as my next treat. I'm sat at work now, wondering whether a tree will fall on my mums car while she's driving and kill her? Whether my dad will fall ill? Whether my house will burn down? Whether I'll fall ill myself? I can't see where these supposed positives of life are...... Like I said, this situation has the ability to actually make me..... or break me. The gap is huge.

That's literally the kind of thoughts in my life. I feel as though by cutting myself off from my family, I will spare them from whatever this punishment is. At the end of the day, it can only punish things in my life right? So if they're gone, it'll just continue to harm me.

As for telling you what the deciding factor is, privately, I guess I wouldn't mind but publicly... I'd rather not

heartbreak_star

I recognise some of what you are saying very well - I think it's called catastrophising?

I can see one very large positive in your life. You. The fact you don't generally harbour ill-will towards people who would generally deserve it says so much about you as a good person. I'm really sorry if that's a bit patronising - it's not meant to be.

I hope your doctor can help you. Can you open up to your family at all?

And please know, if I were there, I would give you the biggest hug.

You are worthy.
You are smart.
You are brave.
You are loved.

HBS x

Pyxis

Stoke, please remind me......are you on any medication? Apologies if you have already said so. If so, or if not, that might be something to discuss too.

You definitely need some help to break the cycle of such dreadful, fearful thoughts.
Your life is obviously absolute hell at the moment, but there will be a way out of it, so just hang on in there, and let the profs do their work.

Keep coming on here and telling us what's happening. A problem shared, and all that.

It probably won't help you for me to say this, but I promise you that there is no punishment waiting for you, and certainly no punishment for you via harm coming to your family or your property. It seems that way, but I promise you it isn't so.

You probably know this, but we are past masters at cause and effect. We have a black mood; something bad happens. It's purely a coincidence, but our minds link the two things.

Let enough of those coincidences happen, and we start to feel that it will always be that way.

Any bad things that happen to your family won't be because of you, and certainly not as a punishment for you, any more than if they won the lottery, that would be because of you!
(Well, unless you had bought them the winning ticket!).

We need to persuade you that the world is a better place for you being in it.

Izadora

Stoke, I have no practical advice but please know that you're not alone and I hope all goes well with the nut doctor tonight.

Stoke

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I recognise some of what you are saying very well - I think it's called catastrophising?

I can see one very large positive in your life. You. The fact you don't generally harbour ill-will towards people who would generally deserve it says so much about you as a good person. I'm really sorry if that's a bit patronising - it's not meant to be.

I hope your doctor can help you. Can you open up to your family at all?

And please know, if I were there, I would give you the biggest hug.

You are worthy.
You are smart.
You are brave.
You are loved.

HBS x

I really appreciate the support. I've not heard of catastrophising. I'll Google it now. I don't see your comment as patronising. I do sit here and wonder how I've fallen into this state. I don't expect good things. Some people say "good things happen to good people" but I don't consider myself a good person, I just see myself as not a bad person. You'd figure there was enough evil in this world that perhaps they could share some of the shitness that life has to offer.

I've not told my family apart from my sister. She has always been there for me. I think my mum and dad don't deserve to share the burden with me. They are good people. I don't want them to suffer. I don't have kids unfortunately, but I can imagine how difficult it would be for a parent to see their child suffer, so I will continue to hide it from them for now. Perhaps in the future, if it all goes down okay, I can tell them.

Pyxis wrote: »

Stoke, please remind me......are you on any medication? Apologies if you have already said so. If so, or if not, that might be something to discuss too.

You definitely need some help to break the cycle of such dreadful, fearful thoughts.
Your life is obviously absolute hell at the moment, but there will be a way out of it, so just hang on in there, and let the profs do their work.

Keep coming on here and telling us what's happening. A problem shared, and all that.

It probably won't help you for me to say this, but I promise you that there is no punishment waiting for you, and certainly no punishment for you via harm coming to your family or your property. It seems that way, but I promise you it isn't so.

You probably know this, but we are past masters at cause and effect. We have a black mood; something bad happens. It's purely a coincidence, but our minds link the two things.

Let enough of those coincidences happen, and we start to feel that it will always be that way.

Any bad things that happen to your family won't be because of you, and certainly not as a punishment for you, and more than if they won the lottery, that would be because of you!
(Well, unless you had bought them the winning ticket!).

We need to persuade you that the world is a better place for you being in it.

I've tried to avoid medication as I think my mind wouldn't cope well with coming off them. My best friend had someone very rapid downward spiral after coming off anti-depressants and I believe he unfortunately took his own life. It's something I don't tend to go into with him. I've very much considered it without them though, so I would worry about coming off them. I've believed for a long time I could hack it myself.

I am hoping my 'nut doctor' can help me feel better tonight. It's not going to be easy though. She's a great example of such a good person. She's said she won't let me leave until she feels I'm in a better place. She's already seeing me after her usual hours are finished, it just shows much she cares about those she helps. I'm incredibly grateful to her and her husband must be very understanding about the work she does, because I know she is unlikely to get home until 8-9pm.

The problem is, I don't see how it isn't punishment. I don't see what I've done to justify the last 12-16 or so months. My fiancee leaving was tough, but I've actually been able to rationalise that. You can't expect someone who perhaps has fallen out of love with you to stay, but since she left, everything that's mattered to me has fallen apart, short of my family. I've seen my friendships slowly disintegrate. I've become isolated and spend most my time at home. I've been able to make peace with that, but now that is threatened.... by this and this fear. It feels like there's someone with a voodoo doll, sticking pins in every time I start to pick up the pieces of my crumbling life.

I don't think there will be much coming back from this.... depending on the way it goes.

I know what you're saying about cause and effect. My nut doctor had me view a documentary called The Secret. She wanted me to not necessarily believe all of it (lots of pseudo-science) but understand how our thoughts and moods can actually take negatives and change them into positives or at least not as negative. There were some very good life lessons in there, but there's only so much that can help. What's happened in the last 5 days honestly doesn't feel a coincidence. It's so contrived, it feels like there was actually someone who pre-planned the whole thing. It's the kind of thing I'd expect to see on a game show with the ending involving you falling through a floor onto a bouncy castle and everyone shouting "surprise". The problem is, my life isn't a game show. It's not a game show at all. It will destroy me.....

@Izadora - Thank you very much, I really appreciate it. It does help knowing that I'm not alone and people are out there. I will feedback with her comments/advice, probably tomorrow

Izadora

Stoke wrote: »

The problem is, I don't see how it isn't punishment. I don't see what I've done to justify the last 12-16 or so months.

Stoke wrote: »

What's happened in the last 5 days honestly doesn't feel a coincidence.

Obviously I can't know with absolute certainty but I very strongly believe that there's no such thing as karma and whatever is happening to you now isn't some form of punishment.

Some of the loveliest people I know have had truly horrendous things happen to them and some of the most vile individuals I've ever had the misfortune to encounter have managed to come up smelling of roses time and time again.

None of this makes dealing with a bad situation any easier but please try to believe that sometimes things just happen and it's not down to anything you have or haven't done.

I hope that you find a way to cope with your current situation, whatever the outcome.

Pyxis

Stoke, I promise you it isn't punishment. I hear that you can't accept it isn't, that to you it seems as if it must be, but I absolutely promise you it isn't.

I've become more isolated in the last 6 months than I have ever been before, for various reasons that all came together at once, and I really do know how that makes me dwell on things more, and feel quite worthless and unloveable, so I do feel I understand at least a bit of how you're feeling.

I hear that something frightening may be about to happen, and that is really fuelling this fire, isn't it? :A

Fingers crossed that Ms. Nut can give you the help you need. She sounds very caring indeed.

Pyxis

Stoke, I know you have the appointment this evening, but please do log on as soon as you are able, because I, and others, are very worried about you, and want to know that you are ok, as far as you are able to be.

Thinking of you this evening. :A