Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

elsien

MU, a patient on a ward yesterday signposted me to Bipolar UK as a source of helpful information. just wondered if you were aware of them?

(For any non-bipolar people, I'm also told they have some good information about power of attorney when people's illness may come and go.)

dekaspace

Having to leave college, they have screwed up my travel expenses saying as I have a bus pass im not entitled to travel expenses, this is despite the location by bus meaning 4-5 changes and 2-2 and a half hours before you factor in rush hour traffic and train taking less than a hour and direct, they also counted my DLA as income for my award too meaning they have awarded me nothing at all for anything saying I have too high a weekly income! (so £70 a week+£40 a week DLA means I am too well off to even get travel expenses which cost £10 a week, means I have to pay for course materials yet the bursary is £90 a week and includes £30 a week travel expenses!)

Gingernutty

Talk to the CAB.

Benefits and bursaries are complicated .

Stoke

So.... today is 12 months on from the breakdown of my engagement. We split on our 7th anniversary.... at least it's easy to remember.

For all the negativity that went on in my relationship with her (she mentally and physically abused me, and overwhelmingly controlled me)..... I can't say that I don't feel utterly depressed today. There were good times, many good times. We always focus on the negatives, but there were plenty of good times.
12 months ago today, was essentially a day where my life changed course forever and I can't tell if it's for the good or the bad yet.... I suspect in the long term, it'll be the good.... but right now, it doesn't feel like that.

I'm a 28 year old, single guy..... who lives in isolation and basically works. I have a very good job, with a very good wage but what does money matter when all you do is go home to an empty box? I also bury my head in work and can end up doing nothing but work. My family think I need to get out more and my mates think I need to get on Tinder and stuff like that, but I'm constantly consumed by work and then when I get home, I'm routinely too tired to go out to whatever activities people do in the evening. Also, I almost feel too old for that stuff, which is mad considering I'm only 28, but it's my brain makeup I guess. I do play football on a Monday night and I go to my slimming world weigh-in's on Tuesday, but they're hardly the social events that are going to help me get past this. Tinder isn't me.... it never has been, but it feels like the current way of actually meeting people is via social networks rather than person, like it used to be.

Today has certainly brought another thing into focus.... When I was a kid, I remember I had one of those clever cassette tape players that could essentially play the tape forwards and backwards. Remember the type? You'd play the tape all the way through and at the end, rather than rewind, the tape would then play in the opposite direction, so essentially you didn't need to flip it over, and it would play forever. I feel that is a metaphor for my life, as it stands. Someone put the tape in the player, turned on repeat, pressed play and left it running forever. There are slight deviations when dust gets on the magnetic heads or the tape itself, but overwhelmingly, that tape just plays and plays and plays......... and it feels like it always will. In the last 12 months.... other than my weight loss and doing well at work, what have I actually achieved? Not much really..... meh, I bought my ex fiancee out the house? I suppose that's a big thing, but it doesn't make you happy....

I know I've got to make changes to my life, if I'm to get myself out of this rut. Some changes I need to figure out myself, and can't be helped by the likes of this forum..... others are maybe not so obvious to me and could be. Some, I'd rather not talk about publicly for certain reasons, but there we go.

jobbingmusician

I think there are two things going on here. Firstly, you are feeling low because there's nothing going on except work, and secondly you are feeling low because you don't have a partner. I honestly think that the second one isn't that important (I didn't get married until I was nearly 50 and I was happy by myself) and anyway, the second one will sort itself out if you can break out of your work box.

And there's a related one that you are chipping away at your own self esteem, feeling that you aren't achieving anything.


I'm talking to myself as well as you, by the way! I think what we should both do is go and volunteer somewhere where we can make a difference. Yes, it will be tiring (I'm assuming you really are working long hours) but it will show you another side of life, do wonders for your morale, and just make that butterfly (the one whose wings move slightly and cause tremendous effects, in chaos theory) move an inch to the left.... Who knows what will happen next?

(It all sounds too easy, doesn't it? I do appreciate this but it doesn't make the suggestion any less real. I need to do something new as well.)

Stoke

jobbingmusician wrote: »

I think there are two things going on here. Firstly, you are feeling low because there's nothing going on except work, and secondly you are feeling low because you don't have a partner. I honestly think that the second one isn't that important (I didn't get married until I was nearly 50 and I was happy by myself) and anyway, the second one will sort itself out if you can break out of your work box.

And there's a related one that you are chipping away at your own self esteem, feeling that you aren't achieving anything.


I'm talking to myself as well as you, by the way! I think what we should both do is go and volunteer somewhere where we can make a difference. Yes, it will be tiring (I'm assuming you really are working long hours) but it will show you another side of life, do wonders for your morale, and just make that butterfly (the one whose wings move slightly and cause tremendous effects, in chaos theory) move an inch to the left.... Who knows what will happen next?

(It all sounds too easy, doesn't it? I do appreciate this but it doesn't make the suggestion any less real. I need to do something new as well.)

I think part of my problem is that, I grew up as a kid very much enjoying my own company.... in as far as, I played for a football team but other than that after school, I much preferred sitting at home playing guitar etc, than going out with friends. When I turned 18, I began to enjoy nights out and stuff, but I still enjoyed my own company. At 20, I entered a relationship that would last for 7 years and in effect, I feel as though I've lost the ability to enjoy my own company because I went so long without having to do so. I am slowly recovering it, I think, but I'm not sure. After 12 months, I should surely feel better than I do?

I also think this explains my mentality when it comes to weekends.... I am always desperate to go out and be with people, but I know that cannot always be the case. it probably explains some of the bad decisions I've made over the last 12 months....

Well, my self esteem was rock bottom after the relationship ended. My confidence is still super low, but back then, it was as low as it's ever been. It honestly took months for that to change, but like I said, I am still one of the least confident people on the planet. The only thing I am confident about is work, because I know I can do it.

My hours vary weekly because of the work I do. I usually do 8 hours in an office (where I meet absolutely nobody), and then further work from home in the evening. What kind of volunteering do you think? I actually considered doing some work down the local food bank last Christmas. I felt incredibly unhappy, as it was the first one after the breakup and I decided that instead of being miserable, it would be good to volunteer at somewhere. I wasn't in a Christmas mood at all and figured the best way to forget about it, was to do this.... Instead, I went on the longest bender I've ever been on (about 6 days). Incredibly selfish when I think about it now.

My dad keeps telling me that at some point, I need to live life otherwise it'll pass me by I just don't know how.

System

I was struggling with birthday ideas for my best friend but after a convo about self care boxes i've gone and made her one for her birthday, its got lots of bits in (candle, fluffy socks, cuddly toy, notepad/pens, bath stuff, hand lotion, lip balm and i wrote some good things about her that she can read though if she needs a pick me up.). She's bought us tickets for a gig next week as my birthday pressie so wanted to do something nice for her

20aday

Stoke wrote: »

So.... today is 12 months on from the breakdown of my engagement. We split on our 7th anniversary.... at least it's easy to remember.

For all the negativity that went on in my relationship with her (she mentally and physically abused me, and overwhelmingly controlled me)..... I can't say that I don't feel utterly depressed today. There were good times, many good times. We always focus on the negatives, but there were plenty of good times.
12 months ago today, was essentially a day where my life changed course forever and I can't tell if it's for the good or the bad yet.... I suspect in the long term, it'll be the good.... but right now, it doesn't feel like that.

I'm a 28 year old, single guy..... who lives in isolation and basically works. I have a very good job, with a very good wage but what does money matter when all you do is go home to an empty box? I also bury my head in work and can end up doing nothing but work. My family think I need to get out more and my mates think I need to get on Tinder and stuff like that, but I'm constantly consumed by work and then when I get home, I'm routinely too tired to go out to whatever activities people do in the evening. Also, I almost feel too old for that stuff, which is mad considering I'm only 28, but it's my brain makeup I guess. I do play football on a Monday night and I go to my slimming world weigh-in's on Tuesday, but they're hardly the social events that are going to help me get past this. Tinder isn't me.... it never has been, but it feels like the current way of actually meeting people is via social networks rather than person, like it used to be.

Today has certainly brought another thing into focus.... When I was a kid, I remember I had one of those clever cassette tape players that could essentially play the tape forwards and backwards. Remember the type? You'd play the tape all the way through and at the end, rather than rewind, the tape would then play in the opposite direction, so essentially you didn't need to flip it over, and it would play forever. I feel that is a metaphor for my life, as it stands. Someone put the tape in the player, turned on repeat, pressed play and left it running forever. There are slight deviations when dust gets on the magnetic heads or the tape itself, but overwhelmingly, that tape just plays and plays and plays......... and it feels like it always will. In the last 12 months.... other than my weight loss and doing well at work, what have I actually achieved? Not much really..... meh, I bought my ex fiancee out the house? I suppose that's a big thing, but it doesn't make you happy....

I know I've got to make changes to my life, if I'm to get myself out of this rut. Some changes I need to figure out myself, and can't be helped by the likes of this forum..... others are maybe not so obvious to me and could be. Some, I'd rather not talk about publicly for certain reasons, but there we go.

Well I’m slightly older than you but some of your life resonates with me.

Something happened to me just over 15 years ago and for a long time I’ve thrown myself into work and I’ve lost weight but like you I feel as if I’ve achieved nothing.

You and I couldn’t be more wrong, despite what we think/feel. Losing weight is an achievement. It isn’t easy but you are taking a step in the right direction. Walking into a room full of strangers isn’t easy either but you’ve done it on a weekly basis... which is more than I would have done-so that’s another achievement.

Have you ever sought counselling for your relationship? It’s easy for me to say when I need to get counselling myself (last week I took an overdose because everything got too much) but you’ve been through something traumatic... please don’t bottle it up.

As for Tinder... well I’ve been single nearly seven years and have used certain dating apps but needless to say they will leave you feeling even more isolated... are there any form of social events near you at all?

Appreciate you are tired after a long day at work but depression (which I suspect you might have, without realising) does that to you-everything just feels like an effort and you go through the motions.

Whatever you end up taking away from my reply remember... you are not alone and there are people out there who will listen.

jobbingmusician

Strangely enough I was thinking of a food bank. I just wondered how volunteering at one fitted with a full time job (are they open in the evenings? I think they should be! - as it would be easier for parents to get there if one was working, given that so many people who use food banks now have part time jobs). The other alternative (which sounds SOOOOO trite and which I would have resisted like mad as a younger person) is evening classes. But actually there might be something there even related to work - if you did some personal development classes at least you'd meet some new people. (Although it might have the disadvantage that you might be in professional mode and thus less relaxed).

Oh dear, that's all a bit stream of consciousness.... I'll carry on thinking!

heartbreak_star

*peeks around the door*

*waves shyly*

HBS x