Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

seven-day-weekend

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I agree Pyxis, if you think you have failed if you have a slip when giving up something you will make it very hard to achieve anything because you will lose the will to carry on. It is better to think of it as a series of waves, there will be ups and down, you just have to pick up where you left off. I think it's also important not to make your goals so huge that you can't help but fail. With the codeine I reduced 2 at a time, then stayed with the new dose for a week or two before dropping lower. Slowly does it so that you don't feel deprived.

Here is a positive little request! Would you all mind listing why you want to be alive? Could be anything from family, job, travelling, your favorite chocolate bar. I don't care how random it is. I need ideas why I should live (I'm NOT suicidal, my psychotic depression makes me think like this!) and other than working to help other people stay alive I've got nothing. I think it might be helpful to know why other people keep going on with their lives. Thank you!

Actually let me add a footnote here, the above sounds terrible so please don't all call an ambulance at once. It isn't at all that I actively am looking for ways to die, I am just ambivalent about it. There is no happiness that I wake up in the morning, no thoughts of what today could bring, no excitement. Yes, it's depression but it's something I have to try to counteract mentally. If I can find some more reasons to want to live I can start work on this eating disorder. Definitely not actively suicidal! :rotfl:

Because life is precious.

Because I will not know the 'end of a story' if I am dead.

Because I do not want to leave my loved ones.

Just because.

Hope that's OK.

Pyxis

Torry_Quine wrote: »

My life is awful, actually its an existence not a life. I posted on the loneliness and the widows threads and some of the comments were so harsh and cruel.

I still cry loads every day and miss him so much.

I feel sick and anxious and my head aches.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Maybe in time I'll have a life but it just seems impossible just now. Not least because of my own health problems.

I have called Samaritans but it doesn't change anything, they can't take away my pain or help with the exhaustion. In the middle of the night though it can be good to hear a voice.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Another bad night compounded by an awful dream and I reached out for my husband but he's not there.
Thanks everyone. coolcait that makes sense about memories and ill try and remember that next time someone tells me to think of the good times.

((((((((((((((((((Torry Quine)))))))))))))))))))))



Re. the loneliness thread. I don't know whether some posts had been deleted by the time I read that part, but I can understand how the ones I read would have hurt you. :A

Remember, though, that the people concerned weren't replying to you specifically, I don't think, but seemed to be talking generally, and two in particular were having a sort of verbal duel, which was unfortunate..
The rest of the thread does have some very helpful tips, but it is still far too early for you to start thinking of doing stuff yet.


Regarding waking in the night...... would it help even just a little to take some of your husband's favourite clothes to bed with you, to cuddle? I hope that doesn't sound silly.

And yes, I t is just a question of existing through each day. : It takes a long time.

I have known people who found Cruse extremely helpful. Just being with people who know exactly, exactly how you're feeling, and with whom you don't have to be 'brave'.

And Cruse isn't just for widows/widowers; it's for anyone who has had a bereavement.

Torry_Quine

Pyxis Actually on the loneliness thread some comments were specifically to me.

By the way no one can know exactly how I'm feeling as every one is different even if the circumstances seem the same. You should never say to someone I know how you feel because you can't.

Pyxis

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Pyxis Actually on the loneliness thread some comments were specifically to me.

By the way no one can know exactly how I'm feeling as every one is different even if the circumstances seem the same. You should never say to someone I know how you feel because you can't.

:A No, of course. I appreciate what you're saying.
However, they would have been through the same experience, so that is a connecting factor, I would have thought? Maybe?

But it's true that things like that aren't for everyone, or it just might be that it's not right for you at the moment. That's fair enough. :A

As others have said, though, there's always this thread. We know we can't do or say anything that's really going to help, but we are here, even if it's just somewhere to get your thoughts down. :A

It's also the place where you can rail against the world, as much as you like, as often as you like. :A

Pyxis

I wonder how WaS is getting on with her Helpline?

Coo-ee , WaSsie? How are you doing?

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello Pyxis and all! I am fine! Work is going well, still a learning curve but I don't think you ever stop learning in crisis response.

Gentle hugs Torry. It sounds like you feel pretty trapped by all the bad feelings right now but at the same time letting them go would be terrifying because it feels like letting go of your dear husband and everything you shared. Often we get in a situation in early grief where we desperately want for our pain to stop but at the same time the pain reminds of what we had so we need it too. We almost want to scream that we hurt because we loved so deeply, it was real, it happened and now it has been ripped away from us. The result of this is often feelings of total exhaustion. All of that is ok, you don't have to change or want to change a thing. Torry, relieve yourself of all pressure to do anything no matter what anyone suggests. You don't have to do a thing other than try to eat and drink a little and sleep when you can if you feel you can't do more. The only expectations to be concerned about are your own.

Also, it often feels like time is out of sync when we lose someone, it can feel like it happened yesterday but at the same time as if you can't remember when you last felt their arms around you. It is especially hard on anniversaries of important events, the next month will be very painful for you. It is ok to feel everything that you are right now and in the future, it is still very early days. I am not going to try make suggestions or offer you advice, I can only guess at the pain you feel to be apart from your husband, only you know what it was you shared and how it truly feels to be without him. Just know that you will be heard here absolutely any time, no matter what emotions you feel. Always here for you my friend.

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Hello Pyxis and all! I am fine! Work is going well, still a learning curve but I don't think you ever stop learning in crisis response.

Gentle hugs Torry. It sounds like you feel pretty trapped by all the bad feelings right now but at the same time letting them go would be terrifying because it feels like letting go of your dear husband and everything you shared. Often we get in a situation in early grief where we desperately want for our pain to stop but at the same time the pain reminds of what we had so we need it too. We almost want to scream that we hurt because we loved so deeply, it was real, it happened and now it has been ripped away from us. The result of this is often feelings of total exhaustion. All of that is ok, you don't have to change or want to change a thing. Torry, relieve yourself of all pressure to do anything no matter what anyone suggests. You don't have to do a thing other than try to eat and drink a little and sleep when you can if you feel you can't do more. The only expectations to be concerned about are your own.

Also, it often feels like time is out of sync when we lose someone, it can feel like it happened yesterday but at the same time as if you can't remember when you last felt their arms around you. It is especially hard on anniversaries of important events, the next month will be very painful for you. It is ok to feel everything that you are right now and in the future, it is still very early days. I am not going to try make suggestions or offer you advice, I can only guess at the pain you feel to be apart from your husband, only you know what it was you shared and how it truly feels to be without him. Just know that you will be heard here absolutely any time, no matter what emotions you feel. Always here for you my friend.

Brilliant, WaS. :A

You're so wise.

Torry_Quine

WaS Thanks so much for the wise words. The grief is overwhelming but it can feel like it's all I have left of him. It feels as if I'm getting further away from him and that hurts so much.





My day has been bad with my GP going on about going away for a few days. I didn't put on the necklace he gave me for Christmas. The last straw though was someone telling me again that I'm young enough to meet someone. I told her she was upsetting me and it wasn't appropriate and so she got all huffy!

By the time I got home I was in an awful state and have barely stopped crying.

jobbingmusician

I think I must be having blanks in my life - I can't believe how many days' postings I have just caught up on! I actually feel bathed in love right now because you are all so lovely, but also full of sadness for Torry. Torry, can you take a mental bath in love? Just visualise a bath, fill it with all the love we are sending you, and lie back and immerse yourself in it. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to remember your lovely soulmate and your precious time together. But please feel the love that surrounds you, as well, and take what healing you can from that. It won't be a miracle, but it will help. We are all rooting for you, even though we can't know your pain.


I'm also hoping that Calley's little dog is feeling better - update please!


Lots of love to all and apologies for being missing for such an age xxxx

suki1964

Well I thought id pop in and update how ive been since my last time of crisis and I am so saddened to read what pain Torry is in right now

Torry I am so sorry to read that your husband died so suddenly. Your heart is probably not just broke, but completely smashed

I don't have the words, Ive never felt that grief for anyone, but I do understand what you are saying about holding on to the pain and the hurt.

If those are your only feelings right now, you hold onto them, They are feelings and feelings mean you are still living. Not much of a life right now, but you are still putting that one foot in front of the other

As WaS says so well, all you need to be concerned about right now is eating, sleeping and getting through each day and night the best way you can. Everyone and everything else can go take a hike, you will know yourself when you are ready to take on more and that probably won't be anytime soon

Take a few of those baths Jobbingmuscian mentions, they have helped me get through some very very dark places

Other threads may or may not be places you need right now, but theres a lot of support on this thread, wrap yourself up in it

I wish you all the best xx