Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Waves_and_Smiles

Sorry you were on the short end of more well-meaning advice Torry, you are right it doesn't help. Sometimes what people say to a person who has lost a loved one is more about them than us. Death and bereavement make people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say or do. So they try to make things better (and therefore make themselves less uncomfortable) by trying to offer advice about looking to the future and all the 'good' things that could help. It makes them feel less awkward and vulnerable in the face of someone's extreme pain and is often not helpful to the person going through it at all.

It sounds like for now you need to hurt and experience everything in it's rawest form. That can be simply awful but at the same time it is a connection with your dear husband, you are screaming every day how much you love and miss him and how you will never forget what you shared. It is ok to do that for as long as you need to, you never have to do anything else if you don't want to. It's your journey and you are going to meet many well-meaning people along the way with oodles of advice but ultimately it is always up to you.

Also you don't have to change yourself. People like you doctor often recommend taking short breaks away or joining hobby clubs or walking groups to make new friends. This is fine if you are sort of person who would get enjoyment from that but some people have never wanted to socialise outside of their marriages or beforehand, nevermind go out on their own. Again, some people find contentment at home with their cat and that's enough. You will always be the person you were and you have every right to be that, grief doesn't change your fundamental personality. This is your pain, your journey and your rules. Don't listen to anyone that tells you differently.

seven-day-weekend

Torry, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. But you remember your darling husband any way you want and if that is by screaming inside and crying on the outside, then sobeit. Nothing else matters at the moment.

elsien

Bit of a change of subject, but can I just throw out there today's bit of lunacy which has frustrated me immensely on someone else's behalf.

Apparently if you miss an appointment at a memory clinic because you forgot about it, you get turfed off their list and have to start the referral process again.
You couldn't make it up.

jobbingmusician

Torry, I was thinking about what you were saying. About needing to hold on to your grief, in a way, because you feel it is all you have left of such a precious person and part of your life. I can understand this, you've described it very well.

I wonder if there might be some sort of exterior way to help with this. Would it help if you had a very special box or other container where you put memories? Three types of memories - written down feelings, like the ones you are going through now, things which remind you of special times, and then I think it would help ME (but I'm not offended if you think it's stupid) I would like a Pensieve stick and actually think of how memories attached themselves round a stick in the Harry Potter movies. I'd take a very special stick - it doesn't have to be a stick, could be a necklace or something and wind my memories round it, and keep this in the box as well. The box is the carrier of your grief. Use it to take some of the weight, because grief is heavy.

I'd do all sorts of silly things that sound ridiculous written down, like putting the box next to my heart and asking it to absorb some of the pain. You might have tried things like this already, and I remember that they really hurt. It's your soul crying out for his. And his soul will be crying out for yours, but he won't be hurting (remember time is passing at a different speed for him. It says so in the Bible somewhere, and most religions have something similar. I don't remember it but something ... oh here we are... http://biblehub.com/psalms/90-4.htm ) So it's only a short afternoon for him before he sees you again, however long it is for you. And I promise your life will have some good things in it again that you can enjoy (and share with him eventually).

Enough writing. Just remember we are all here for you xxxxx

jobbingmusician

OMG, first thing on Facebook this morning. This is from Marie Curie.

Pyxis

elsien wrote: »

Bit of a change of subject, but can I just throw out there today's bit of lunacy which has frustrated me immensely on someone else's behalf.

Apparently if you miss an appointment at a memory clinic because you forgot about it, you get turfed off their list and have to start the referral process again.
You couldn't make it up.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad::mad: :mad:

jobbingmusician

Pyxis, complete change of subject. Why Denmark and Senegal?

seven-day-weekend

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Torry, I was thinking about what you were saying. About needing to hold on to your grief, in a way, because you feel it is all you have left of such a precious person and part of your life. I can understand this, you've described it very well.

I wonder if there might be some sort of exterior way to help with this. Would it help if you had a very special box or other container where you put memories? Three types of memories - written down feelings, like the ones you are going through now, things which remind you of special times, and then I think it would help ME (but I'm not offended if you think it's stupid) I would like a Pensieve stick and actually think of how memories attached themselves round a stick in the Harry Potter movies. I'd take a very special stick - it doesn't have to be a stick, could be a necklace or something and wind my memories round it, and keep this in the box as well. The box is the carrier of your grief. Use it to take some of the weight, because grief is heavy.

I'd do all sorts of silly things that sound ridiculous written down, like putting the box next to my heart and asking it to absorb some of the pain. You might have tried things like this already, and I remember that they really hurt. It's your soul crying out for his. And his soul will be crying out for yours, but he won't be hurting (remember time is passing at a different speed for him. It says so in the Bible somewhere, and most religions have something similar. I don't remember it but something ... oh here we are... http://biblehub.com/psalms/90-4.htm ) So it's only a short afternoon for him before he sees you again, however long it is for you. And I promise your life will have some good things in it again that you can enjoy (and share with him eventually).

Enough writing. Just remember we are all here for you xxxxx

I think this is lovely. I hope Torry finds some comfort in it as well.

Torry_Quine

Sorry for taking over the thread and if I don't reply individually. There's some very wise words here and the love is jumping off the page.

Tomorrow is the date of his xray which started everything.

It's beyond awful

Pyxis

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Sorry for taking over the thread and if I don't reply individually. There's some very wise words here and the love is jumping off the page.

Tomorrow is the date of his xray which started everything.

It's beyond awful

There is absolutely no need to apologise, Torry. That's what the thread is for.
We've all posted lots at certain times about certain things that are bad in our lives, and the last thing anyone would want is for you to feel you have to rein it in.

Actually, re. JM's box suggestion, it might be an idea to print out your posts and put them in the box? Just a thought.

Yes, tomorrow will be a pits day.

How are your friends being? Are you alone much?