Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Waves_and_Smiles

I was taking 20 a day Pyxis, roughly one every 45 minutes I was awake with the occasional two at once. It was a very bad addiction that went on for a very long time but I couldn't control it until I wanted to face it because I was terrified of the anxiety. Little did I realise that the withdrawal was causing a lot of that in the first place. I have managed to slay that dragon and I am proud of myself.

The difference this year is I want to get better. I haven't wanted to for years because I was terrified of failing so it was easier to stay in my own little bubble of insanity and never try. There is a lot about my life that needs changing and honestly it's going to take years to get my life to a point where I feel content. But I have started to make small changes and I will continue to build on them hopefully.

The next thing I am considering is to deal with my eating disorder. I am lucky that I have had so much therapy in my past that I think I have the tools to do it, I just need to stop being afraid to try. Quite frankly the weight I am is extremely unhealthy and I am a prime candidate for a heart attack, I have known this for years. Also part of me wants that.

Penguining this bit!
What I have realised this year is I have a lot of behaviours that are a way to end my life, the codeine was one of them. The eating disorder can go either way, I love the feeling of physically eating so quickly that it feels like food is stuck in my throat and I am breathless, it feels like I might die. The other side is I can also stop eating and lose weight very rapidly quite easily to a point of being underweight and eating a yoghurt and an apple a day. It gives me the same satisfaction, it is a way to die. Call it a cross between suicide and self-harm.

This sounds scary but I am probably safer than I have ever been because I now realise the motivation behind a lot of my behaviours. I think what enabled me to do this was starting work, I am doing something to help people and perhaps that is a reason for me to stay alive. You know, a while ago I asked WaSp if he would be with someone else if I died, he said he would want to be with someone. My immediate thought was you have released us both, you to find someone new and me to not worry about you if I die. That thought pulled me up pretty quickly because I hadn't realised I felt that way and it's since then that I have started to look at things more closely.

No one panic, I am not about to jump off a building. I have been this way for literally decades, it's only now that I have realised my motivation. Before I start on dealing with the eating disorder I need to find reasons to live or trying to make it better will fail. The eating disorder is a symptom, not the problem. The problem needs to be dealt with before the eating disorder. Work is a reason to stay alive, let's see if I can find some more.

End penguin.

Quit update-tonight work was so rewarding. I love my job!

dandy-candy

WaS can I just say how awesome you are? I need to make a lot of changes to my life too, and change is something I'm always afraid of. Reading of your achievements gives me hope

calleyw

Afternoon my lovelies,


Nice to see some good news.


Hugs and squishes to all that need them who are having a tough time.


The London weekend for AM's 40th went well. We had 4 friends join us. Lots to eat and drink. The swingers crazy golf was fun. And we had a brilliant time. Apart from the £11 a pop for c0cktails:eek:



Am annoyed that my family did not even bother with a card for AM. I told them the reason for weekend away, Its like he does not exist and they are questioning my choices. Thats two birthdays now and we have been together 20 months. Am I right to annoyed and hurt by that?


Had a massive electric bill. So need to cut back where I can. turning everything off. Have even bought a portable 24kw solar panel so I can charge phones and tablets as I seem to be forever doing that. hopefully that will help. And bulk of the cost was covered by amazon vouchers from all the surveys and stuff I do.


Also proud of the fact that I have managed to make a pizza that AM likes. I was thinking that it would never work. But I use this base https://tasty.co/recipe/2-ingredient-dough-pizza all it is self raising flour and greek yogurt. Also means I get to to eat pizza as no cheese for me. Spag bog sauce as a base and then add your toppings. made it twice in as many weeks. More expensive than 89p ones from aldi I bought for AM. But I know he really enjoys the ones I make.


Have good and bad days. Feeling worth less. Had my third appointment at the gym and even though I feel I did not do enough e.g with my food intake. In 6 months, I still had lost 4kgs, and a few cms from everwhere. Need to get a grip with my food now and learn how to eat normally.


Well done WaS we all knew you could do it. I need to work out my next steps towards getting in to paid employment.



Everyone take care


Yours


Calley x

[Deleted User]

WaS, I use prescription strength codeine for pain & stiffness & sometimes to help me sleep, but not every day and never more than prescribed. Thank you for your experience.

Today I felt 'ok', then something came along to dampen things a bit, but in general have felt better today than for a while. Yesterday / today gave the Bathroom a good clean and also spent some time in the garden today as well mowing & tidying up (looks a lot better!)

MASSIVE piles of letters need sorting, but opening and deciding to keep / shred / burn first. That really IS a mountain to me.

dandy-candy

Sleazy I'm on a tidying bender too! I went to a national trust property last week and it was so minimal inside that it gave me a boot up the backside to declutter. I'm working my way around the house room by room so it's not too much all at once.

I've put on a few stone in the last few years and have been trying to half heartedly diet and found it makes me utterly miserable. I have always loved cooking, especially baking so eating health small portions would make me depressed and I'd end up going out and buying chocolates etc and blowing it anyway. This has gone on for years so I have decided to forget dieting for now. I'm not gorging anymore because I don't feel the need to. I'm allowing myself cakes or biscuits on the condition I make them myself, and it's making me feel happier to be baking again. Also whereas before I would stuff down a whole cake quickly because I knew I'd be back on the diet tomorrow, now I'm eating less because there's no pressure to quickly polish it off before the diet begins!

Still not getting out much, home is my "safe" place, but I'm being more productive with my time at home. Husband rang on his way home yesterday to ask if he needed to pick up something for dinner and I said no because I'd already made a chicken pie and a chocolate cake to follow. He was really pleased!

Have a good day all

calleyw

dandy-candy wrote: »

I've put on a few stone in the last few years and have been trying to half heartedly diet and found it makes me utterly miserable. I have always loved cooking, especially baking so eating health small portions would make me depressed and I'd end up going out and buying chocolates etc and blowing it anyway. This has gone on for years so I have decided to forget dieting for now. I'm not gorging anymore because I don't feel the need to. I'm allowing myself cakes or biscuits on the condition I make them myself, and it's making me feel happier to be baking again. Also whereas before I would stuff down a whole cake quickly because I knew I'd be back on the diet tomorrow, now I'm eating less because there's no pressure to quickly polish it off before the diet begins!

I am not in the right zone at the moment. But a diet should not mean deprivation. As you found it causes binges. Which is why low calorie diets of 1200 calories are just silly.


Also the bigger you are the more you can eat and lose weight. As you lose you need to adjust the amount you eat.


I have just had lindor chocolate for breakfast :rotfl:


Yours


Calley x

Pyxis

I think it's also important to accept that relapses (in whatever you're trying to give up/cut down on/change) aren't failures.

Failure is a horrible word.

Relapses aren't failures, they are blips. It's a bit like a fuse blowing. You can reset the fuse just by flicking the switch at the fuse-box..... no harm done, no permanent damage. Ok you might need to change a light bulb, but we can live with that!

We blip all the time....... they only become really noticeable when we're aiming for something that is hard.

And a blip doesn't make a huge difference to the ulitimate goal, providing it is just a blip, and not a 're-set' back to past behaviours.


The other thing that is really, really helpful is finding out why the behaviour occurs, and that's not just realising that it's because eg, we're depressed about something, or had some bad news, etc.

When I was doing doing Dry January, which ending up being Dry 4.5 months!, one thing that suddenly occurred to me was that the reason I thought I liked certain alcoholic drinks was the fact that I liked the sensation on my tongue. Ok, yes, I liked the taste of certain drinks, but it was that sensation I missed. What I really, really didn't like was the alcoholic effect on me!

I also discovered what the main triggers were to the 'regular' drinking. I liked to sip something while cooking, which I find boring, and while watching TV after eating.

Anyway, I started searching for a substitute, and finally found one that gave me that buzz in the mouth, but wasn't full of calories, sugar or sweeteners!
So, that's what I drank when in a trigger situation, and it worked.
It's part of my weekly food order now!

I did have 4 drinks when on holiday, last month, and brought back a bottle which has all gone now, and had one bottle of my favourite beer last week, but that's all since January 1st.
Plus it reminded me that I really don't like the alcoholic effect!

Waves_and_Smiles

I agree Pyxis, if you think you have failed if you have a slip when giving up something you will make it very hard to achieve anything because you will lose the will to carry on. It is better to think of it as a series of waves, there will be ups and down, you just have to pick up where you left off. I think it's also important not to make your goals so huge that you can't help but fail. With the codeine I reduced 2 at a time, then stayed with the new dose for a week or two before dropping lower. Slowly does it so that you don't feel deprived.

Here is a positive little request! Would you all mind listing why you want to be alive? Could be anything from family, job, travelling, your favorite chocolate bar. I don't care how random it is. I need ideas why I should live (I'm NOT suicidal, my psychotic depression makes me think like this!) and other than working to help other people stay alive I've got nothing. I think it might be helpful to know why other people keep going on with their lives. Thank you!

Actually let me add a footnote here, the above sounds terrible so please don't all call an ambulance at once. It isn't at all that I actively am looking for ways to die, I am just ambivalent about it. There is no happiness that I wake up in the morning, no thoughts of what today could bring, no excitement. Yes, it's depression but it's something I have to try to counteract mentally. If I can find some more reasons to want to live I can start work on this eating disorder. Definitely not actively suicidal! :rotfl:

Gingernutty

I want to see my house finished, lived in and loved.

elsien

Hi GN..good to see you.:hello:

I don't live the most exciting of lives WaS. For me, it's the things that make me smile - Gitdog (sometimes), being out in the sun - I'm an outdoors person so feeling the sun, listening to the birds, being by the sea all make me feel good. Chatting to the neighbour over the garden fence ( very Coronation Street.) My garden. Tv and radio comedy that amuses me. Lots of little things all accumulated.
ETA - just read that back and realised there's a lot of things you struggle with, so sorry if that's difficult. I think it's more the lots of small things that make me content rather than the bigger more exciting stuff.