Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Waves_and_Smiles

Ooooh, thank you Dandy, it's not just me then! for the 4 hours a week I can stay focused and keep it together quite easily but it's like my brain almost needs to retreat back into its psychosis afterwards because in a strange way it feels safe and familiar? It sounds weird but having mental health problems is my normal. Being well for a few hours a week is quite scary after 26 years.

I know all about being scared to work. I developed a phobia about it-a full-blown and genuine phobic reaction due to my OCD. It reached the point where I said here that I would take my life before I ever worked again, that was how bad the terror was. My fear was that if I worked I would somehow cause someone to die, no it doesn't make sense but OCD phobias rarely do. I never wanted to avoid work for my own sake, it just felt like something would go terribly wrong for someone else if I ever tried, as irrational as that sounds.

As is always the case the only way through the fear was to confront it and show myself my worry was groundless but it certainly wasn't easy. I did spend nights crying and feeling like I would fail and therefore someone would be hurt but I stuck with it and now that phobia has very little power. I am still nervous, but nervous is a big improvement from thinking it would be better if I died rather than work.

I am not suddenly without mental health problems by any means but one area is better. For me, I think tiny steps are the answer because there is so much fear and a lot of OCD symptoms attached to any decisions I make but this job is a good first step. If I can keep this up for 6 months and my mental health doesn't get worse I shall gently push myself to try something else. Actually getting outside the front door would be good!

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

What a lovely weekend Dandy! I want to live somewhere rural, I might actually step out of my flat then.

I have been pondering what is happening with my mind these days. I almost have two me's now. When I am not working things are pretty much as they were, my thoughts drift and I feel as if I am almost falling back into my mind and everything feels anxious and distorted and rather psychotic really. But as soon as I begin to work everything suddenly feels clear and sharp and I am able to focus totally on what I'm doing and be totally grounded. It's like someone has flipped a switch and the intrusive thoughts and emotions stop and there is no fog anymore. Within an hour of finishing everything becomes foggy and I don't feel real again. Maybe I just need to do shifts forever?

Has anyone else had anything like this? Is it just me? I am trying to understand how I can switch from one to the other, for all I know this is normal for everyone who works. It's been so long since I had any work responsibility that I have forgotten what it feels like.

In a less severe way, yes, I can relate to that.

I think there are probably a number of reasons.

* On a basic level, distraction. Having the 'job' to focus on distracts you from the usual anxiety for a while.

* Acting. I find that in certain situations I can 'act' at not being fearful or anxious. This is particularly the case when there are people that don't 'know' me, so they won't know I am acting.
(Please note: I am not talking about being deceptive or underhand or anything........ But more a case of acting the part of a confident person when you're really feeling sick inside! Is there a technical name for that? The term 'putting on a front' isn't quite right, either).

* Empathy. You genuinely want to help the person on the other end of the chat-line, so your focus is on them rather than on your fear.

* And I guess that can all be summed up as one's mind looking outward, rather than inward. Hard to keep up for a length of time, but maybe that will come with practice.
In a new, enjoyable situation, especially one where I feel my 'talents' are appreciated, I can become a very different person from how I am in other situations, especially in ones where I might be feeling ignored or left out or just invisible...... in those situations I'm a pathetic wimp!
I guess we've all got dual personalities to some extent! :D


WaS, I bet you find that the more you do this volunteering thing, the more the 'voices' will lose their power.
One day soon, I bet you'll decide to step out of your door and go to the nearest shop and buy a tube of mints or something.

And it's about time you went to see those Llamas again!
I wonder if there's anywhere near you that has a sloth? That could be your goal! The sloth at the the end of the tunnel! :rotfl:

System

Sorry ive been away, i tried really hard not to post then something on DT enraged me so i ended up back.

I'm not in a great place. Found out last week that this week i;ve been knaokced don to contract ours, yet the new 17 year lass who got given a 25hrr contract got an extra 5 hours this week. We've had about 5 people leave so there are hours avalible but they;ve been given to all the younger staff. I was enraged, they live at home, have no expenses and inbthe case of the 17 year old in question shes been bragging about how much money she spends which !!!!es me off cos one of the other girks i work with only had 8hrs and she couodn;t even afford to eat, i lent her money the other day just so she could buy food. If there are extra hours they should be divided equally, not just given to my mangers pet favourites.

[penguin]I was so stressed about it last thursday that i actually felt to the point of being suicidal. And i badly wanted to self harm. I really did contemplate it but i ended up calling samaritains which helpeda bit. [/penguin]

Was ok over the weekend, but had a blazing rown with Swain this morning. He asked me of i was staying tonight and i said no, and that i had some netflix to watch. I didnt mean it in a bad way. I was trying to say as my only day off to myself i just wanted a day to myself but he took it to mean netflix was more importtant than him and we argued. Which has just sent me down completly. I feel awful for making him feel bad and i already hated myself and now i hate myself more. I think things are ok but on top of last week i'm really ust not feeling well at all.

I'm going to make a doctors appointment asap, i really need to go back to the CMHT, i'm not coping and i feel like i'm going to break.

sorry for the long winded rant and for not being here, itook a break because i felt paranoid about posting and my heads still not feeling riight

Pyxis

Firstly, MessedUp, welcome back! Missed you!

Really sorry you're feeling so bad. It's a bummer about your hours.

Have you spoken to your manager about your hours being cut? She's usually so supportive.

However, re. your penguin........ jolly well done to not giving into those feelings you mentioned. That's brilliant! It shows that they don't have the same power they used to!

Good idea to see the doc, though, as you have had a lot of swings, so it might be your meds need adjusting, and certainly a CMHT appt will help too.

dandy-candy

Hugs and more hugs to you MU.

Well done for staying strong and making that phone call. I would be really annoyed with the work situation too, and I'm sure swain deep down understands that you've been having a rough time and didn't mean it the way it sounded. Like Pyxis says, book up an appointment so you can just check everything. You've been doing brilliantly and we are all here for you

jobbingmusician

Yes! Really sorry, I meant to reply yesterday, but it seems to have been eaten by the ether. I was going to suggest that you texted or emailed Swain to explain that when you are feeling wobbly you sometimes need some time to yourself to ground yourself (and that things like Netflix are helpful for this) and it's about centring (centering?) and calming down, so that you can be more yourself for him. Hope this is all sorted out now, or will be soon. Bummer about work and Pyxis's advice is great. (And dandy's).

[Deleted User]

Interesting thread which I found during the dark hours of the night when I couldn't sleep!

Been having a read of some of the posts, but prefer to remain a 'humming bird' for now I think. Not sure that I can contribute much anyway, beyond my own experiences that probably don't amount to much.

I 'know' a coupe of posters already - "Hello" to everybody else.

dekaspace

Started going to the gym 1-4 times a week, would of been more this week but had relatives staying and the heat made it unbearable, managed to go to the cool part of the gym but it had no treadmills, and full of "meatheads" and teenage girls who were acting vain.


Head all over the place, due to the extreme weather, the neighbours "invisible" male friends drinking and partying quite often and like 4-6 packed cars pulling up at all hours and had quite a few job interviews all which I was turned down.

Pyxis

Sleazy wrote: »

Interesting thread which I found during the dark hours of the night when I couldn't sleep!

Been having a read of some of the posts, but prefer to remain a 'humming bird' for now I think. Not sure that I can contribute much anyway, beyond my own experiences that probably don't amount to much.

I 'know' a coupe of posters already - "Hello" to everybody else.

Hiya Sleazy!

As regards your posts being about 'experiences' that don't amount to much', I would totally disagree.

Everyone's experiences of MH problems are useful to other people, from four points of view:

Firstly, if someone reads your experiences and can relate to them they will know they are not alone. One horrible feature of most MH problems is that you can feel alone in the 'problem', so hearing about other people's experiences can be very, very useful and reduce any sense of isolation.

Secondly, hearing about other people's treatment or coping strategies can be extremely useful, as MH provision can vary so much in different parts of the country, so knowing about what is available can be empowering.

Thirdly, this thread can be very supportive to the individual, and knowing that people have read your post and, due to their replies, are there for you, can be uplifting.

And lastly, this thread is also read by people who don't have MH problems as such, so the content can be very enlightening and lead to better understanding. In addition, one or two people on here are in the MH professions, or have qualifications in that field, so their input to your specific problems can also be useful, not only to you, but to others as well.





Edit.. JM, you made me wonder about the centre participle, too! I wasn't sure, so looked it up.

It's 'centring'.

I agree, it looks a bit weird, but it is that.

The rule does tend to be to drop the final 'e' and add '-ing'.

'Centering' may correct in the States, I don't know, but if I see 'center' in England I SCREAM! :rotfl:
(Same goes for 'color'. Aaaaargh!)

[Deleted User]

Just a bit embarrassed to stand up and say "My name is Sleazy and I have MH issues".

Some of the things I'm not sure I would post on the forum :eek:. Although I might laugh at my non-sensical behaviour afterwards, at the time it makes perfect sense to me!