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Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask for the deposit back from a cancelled hen do?



  • 74jax
    74jax Posts: 7,929 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    I would ask, though to be honest I think I would have asked when I handed the money over if it was refundable.

    I would probably still go.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Isn't that what insurance is for? Personally, I think that the moment you agreed to go, it became your choice and your responsibility. If money is tight, why agree to an expensive hen night putting down such a deposit?
  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    I would go along with the poster that said, are we still going for a girly night out, or are the deposits going to be refunded? I also agree with the person who said it's gotten out of hand now, how much people spend on hen and stag celebrations.

    There are a few newbies on this thread by the way; joining MSE purely to respond to this thread. Very strange.
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,803 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Asking for a refund when your friend is at her lowest is pretty harsh. She's already going to be very out of pocket from having to cancel the venue, dress, etc. By the very nature of deposits I think it's unlikely she'd receive a refund, so you'll essentially be making her feel like she has to refund £100 per person when she's already suffering in a big way financially. It doesn't matter if you're close or not - do the decent thing and give her a break.
    Or as other people have suggested, see if she will go away anyway.
    But we dont know if she is at her lowest.
    It may have been her decision to end the relationship.
    She may have realised she was going to make a big mistake.
    She may have met someone else and that's why the wedding is off.

    We don't even know if she's suffering financially.
  • Fujiko
    Fujiko Posts: 150 Forumite
    No, I would not even mention getting the money back. Learn from your experience - never commit yourself to something you cannot afford, especially as it seems the bride was not even a close friend. How were you proposing to pay for all the other things involved, eg a wedding present? The easiest solution would be as others have suggested to go on the weekend trip anyway, assuming that you are particularly friendly with the other girls. I do wonder why the bride invited anyone to whom she was not close - were there others?
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Peter333 wrote: »

    There are a few newbies on this thread by the way; joining MSE purely to respond to this thread. Very strange.

    Not really strange, these 'dilemmas' are included in the weekly email, I think the whole point of them is to get more people signed up to the forum.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,109 Community Admin
    Photogenic Name Dropper First Post
    £100 deposit each for a group of people suggests quite a pricey weekend. It's a lot of money to lose, even if you are on a relatively good income, which many people are not.
    Peter333 wrote: »
    There are a few newbies on this thread by the way; joining MSE purely to respond to this thread. Very strange.

    I think it gets posted on Twitter, which would attract a wider audience. (There are much stranger first-time posts by new user-names on this board!)
  • cadon
    cadon Posts: 132 Forumite
    You might expect the return of a wedding present in the circumstances. But this is a deposit for an event which isn't taking place, the venue will pocket the cash not the bride! I find the idea of seeking compensation from the bride very strange indeed.
  • just_me,_again
    Whatever the circumstances of the split breaking off an engagement late in the day like this is really hard on everyone involved - probably financially as well as emotionally. Sometimes it is the right thing for a couple to do, doesn't make it easy though - the wedding juggernaut is a powerful beast! On the scale of things I'm afraid you have to accept your being out of pocket is a smaller issue and is nobody's 'fault' as such. You'd never in a million years have wanted a friend however distant to enter into an unhappy marriage just to avoid leaving her hens out of pocket!

    I'm not sure from your post whether the money you have paid out is a deposit collected by the bride/bridesmaid for group bookings or money you've spent directly to get yourself to this hen do (advance train fares and the like).

    If it is the latter then I would leave the bride out of it entirely - the only way she could refund you would be to put herself out of pocket and that wouldn't be any more 'right' than you being out of pocket. You could look at ways to recoup some if not all of the cash directly though - for example non refundable train bookings can usually be amended if still in advance for a small admin fee -it may be that you can get the cost of the ticket you don't need less £5 or so towards a journey you still do need to make. In these circumstances I would also try a cheeky letter to a business regardless of the official refund policy - unless the booking policy entitles you to something don't count on it, but a goodwill gesture might be forthcoming :) If you were travelling for the hen you could also check whether an any annual travel cover you have might cover some of it....

    If deposits were being collected by an organiser then approaching whoever was doing the collecting to find out if there is scope for a refund wouldn't be inappriate, but if that means the bride 'not-to-be' herself frame it very carefully and try to put her feelings first. In any case only expect back what they haven't yet spent or can get back from the businesses involved - I do think it would be wrong to expect them to pay it out of their own pocket, (remember if you aren't hugely close this was probably a big hen do and £100 per attendee is going to get into serious money, but people really would be upset if some got refunded and others not).

    Finally, if it's gone try to be pragmatic - it was money you weren't expecting back when you spent it, yes, you haven't got the experience you expected in exchange for it, which is inevitably galling, but you've spent less than if it had gone ahead and if it's left you in difficulties then at least they are smaller than would have been the case.

    A similar thing happened to friends of mine (although close enough to the 'big day' that we'd already been on the hen!) and that was the attitude they had to take to the deposits on the wedding itself (insurance doesn't always pay out if the cancellation was a matter of 'choice')...
  • janiebquick
    Look on the bright side - you've saved money on buying her a present........
    'Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.' George Carlin
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