Is it okay to ask for same-sex relationship advice here?

Lioness_Twinkletoes

avogadro wrote: »

The other person may not be able to cope with what is being said to them.

OK, so what's the solution? It is unfair to expect someone to live a lie because someone 'can't cope' with being told that they are in love with a person of the same gender. Really, desperately unfair.

System

Lioness_Twinkletoes wrote: »

OK, so what's the solution? It is unfair to expect someone to live a lie because someone 'can't cope' with being told that they are in love with a person of the same gender. Really, desperately unfair.

Another example might be if the person would be shunned by their community or if their safety were to be compromised. This unfortunately also happens sometimes. But hopefully not in the OP's case!

PeacefulWaters

My step-daughter is gay.

I didn't expect it. It wasn't what I "wanted" for her.

But despite my own preconceptions around the life that I thought my little girl would grow up to lead it was surprisingly easy to accept the situation and embrace it.

She's with someone who makes her happy. As a parent I really couldn't ask for more than that.

Lambyr

Heya. Sorry for taking a while to reply to some posts. Had to get a fair few things done this afternoon while I had the caffeine-fuelled energy to do them!

I do understand what people are saying about it being unfair on her. I feel it would be unfair on her myself. I've tried rationalising it... telling myself that if anyone knows me, knows my situation, knows my family it's her. She knows more than anyone. And she's not backed off... she seems to be pushing closer. I'm not completely sure and I may be wrong and I know I'll have to talk to her about what it is she wants.

But then I think there's just so much I'm afraid of. In the absolute worst case, if I'm wrong about how mum would take it, this could possibly even make me homeless and leave mum without anyone to look after her. Maybe that I have all these fears shows I'm not strong enough to be the person my friend deserves?

Sorry... I know I'm being a complete downer at the moment and I've no right to blab all this to strangers but just typing out what I feel rather than letting it all bounce around in my mind is making me think. I appreciate everyone who's listened to me though and commented. I really do. And I thank the people who provided some links. I will read them.

Regarding how often I see the extended family... it's not too often really. Possibly there's a couple of events or something each year but I tend to get out of most of it. It's just the "big" stuff, like Christmas, that really concerns me.

meritaten

You have a right to a relationship. you live with your mum so I would say that she has a right to know the relationship you have with people who also stay in your house. as for the rest - why tell them anything? its none of their business. as is your marital state and whether you have children.
Your friend obviously knows exactly how things are. and will be in the future. she still comes over and cares for you and wants to be with you - you have no right to 'decide' on HER future for her, even with the best of intentions. I would advise a frank and full discussion with her!
Put simply - Its YOUR life hunny - you can either live it by being true to yourself and your love. Or you can live it by lies and appearing to 'conform' to your relatives expectations of how YOU should live. I wonder how many of their lives would bear close scrutiny?

12_month_challenge

Lambyr wrote: »

Sorry... I know I'm being a complete downer at the moment and I've no right to blab all this to strangers but just typing out what I feel rather than letting it all bounce around in my mind is making me think.

Hiya

You blab as much as you need to. It helps to get things off your chest.

Your Mum is lucky to have a wonderful Daughter who cares for her like you do. As a parent myself I would be proud to call YOU my daughter whatever your choice of partner.

Whatever choice you make be it tell your family or not I wish you all the very best and a future of happiness :A

System

My daughter is gay. It wasnt a shock when i found out as i'd picked out clues beforehand.

Its not a life i'd choose for her but ive accepted it and remind myself regularly that as long as she is happy thats all that matters. I still selfishly mourn for the biological Grandchildren she will never give me but again, i remind myself i didnt have her for the Grandchildren she would give me.

I'd let your Mum know. For a start it will make things easier for you and your girlfriend as a couple. Your Mother is not liable to disown you if she needs your love and support in caring for her.... Not saying she would anyway.

mark5

You only live once, as long as you don't hurt anyone, enjoy your life as you want too.

Kantankrus_Mare

My daughter is also gay and after many years of anxiety problems, I have never seen her happier.

Her partner is very much a part of our family now and the only person I was concerned about was my dad, as over the years he has been known to be anti gay and a bit of a racist to boot.

He has accepted the situation........he hasnt much choice and still thinks the world of his grand daughter.

Christmas and family occasions come about one or two days a year. That leaves you well over 300 days a year in which you need to live your life and be happy. Go for it!!

Your family have two choices.......accept or not....and if not.... they arent worth worrying about.

Hope you manage to stop worrying about others and start living for you.
X

Lambyr

Hey again. Thanks for the continued replies, and the continued support. I appreciate everyone who has taken time out of their day to comment, offer advice etc.

I've been trying to think tonight about what might give me the courage to bring it up with my mum cos I know the main issue I have is fear. I hate not knowing things, walking into the dark as it were. I've been trying to think whether I can think of any time mum has expressed the anti-gay opinions of the rest of my family, and truthfully I cannot recall one. My dad did a couple of times, but not with the level of venom in his words that the others have.

My mum is also not a member of the same church as a lot of my other family, though she would identify as Christian. She used to attend a Methodist church and I know that British Methodist churches are a bit on the liberal side. I think they're one of the ones that permit same-sex couple blessings? So that's kinda a good sign, I think?

And then I got this idea that is probably gonna sound completely loopy to people here but there's this TV show my mum enjoys. I kinda like it as well, and I've already seen all the episodes but mum hasn't seen the last couple of seasons. Anyhoo there's a character in it who comes out as lesbian and I know it's a character my mum likes cos she's always been fond of the woman's sarcastic humour and her personality and all that.

And I know it'll sound completely daft but what if I sat down with her, had a bit of a mum and daughter night one night soon and watched those episodes she hasn't seen with her and tried to gauge her reaction?

I know it's not the same thing as her own daughter but at least if she suddenly turns hostile towards her I'll know that it may mean my own thing would be a problem for her and then if/when I approached it I'd have to really think how I was gonna do it... but if she's not and maybe if I even just flat out asked her about what she thought about it then maybe I'll feel a little less frightened and be able to open up sooner? I dunno. Might be a stupid idea but it was just a thought I had. I just need some indication this isn't going to mess up everything.

As for my friend, she's coming over Saturday as I mentioned. I have a bit of a romantic night planned, or as romantic as I can really do... I'm not great with being romantic if I'm honest! I'm not thinking at the moment to try and have a big talk this weekend but I know she'll ask what it's all for so we might end up talking about a few things. I'll have to see on that. I know its something I should do... if only to be honest and tell her that my feelings are a bit stronger than they should be for something that's supposed to be casual. I think she knows this but it is something I know I need to get out in the open.