Is it okay to ask for same-sex relationship advice here?

Lambyr

Heya everyone. I only tend to drop in and out and lurk on this site. I've seen some people ask for advice on general relationship issues but before I just came charging in with mine (I already typed it out and it's rather long ) I wanted to check that wouldn't be a problem?

Probably sounds a bit odd I know. I did a Google search for lesbian support groups but they're either highly localised, clearly aimed at teenagers and young adults (in my 30s) or clearly "dating" websites. I found one I thought might be OK but they've taken a long time to activate my profile so I don't know.

I'm sorry. I know I've no real right to ask for help since I don't contribute anything round here but I dunno, I thought some people who were completely independent of me might be able to help and a chance to sort of sound things out might give me a chance to unmuddle my mind. Though I don't wanna just come barging in.

Thanks.

Tigsteroonie

I don't see how general relationship advice can be much different between same-sex couples than it is from opposite-sex couples

Fire away, the sensible posters amongst us won't bite (and ignore those who do!)

Armchair23

As far as I'm concerned a relationship is just that, I'm not that bothered about the genders involved.

Be prepared for a wide ranging exchange of views if you post more though !

Lambyr

Thank you. Here goes - another apology for the length! I just wanted to try and get everything out and it's a bit of a stream of consciousness in places.

My best friend and I "experimented" quite a bit when we were younger. I won't be too graphic but we did eventually progress to having sex. Ridiculous as it sounds, I kinda convinced myself it wasn't sex, just a bit of fooling around or something and over time we stopped doing that and just carried on being friends.

This is largely because my family is about as homophobic as they could be. Being gay to them seems to be a bigger sin than murder. I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to ignore who and what I am... lying to myself about why I have the attractions I do, why I've done the things I've done.

Few years back I contemplated suicide over it because I was struggling to cope with it. I know they will *never* accept me or this.

They already make comments disapproving of the fact that I'm not married, haven't had any children, not involved with anyone. This past Christmas, at a large-scale get-together I could have happily done without, they made the oh-so-charming remark that my looks won't last much longer and I should bag myself a man while I still can. They even see my "masculine" interests (I like sports, video games, action and horror movies) as being something I need to change because it's not appealing to a man... because yes, they are living in the dark ages.

I'm currently a carer pretty much 24/7 for my mother. I've been a carer for most of my adult life. I was in a relationship with a lovely guy for a long time but due to a few factors, like my mum's deterioration, his job and distance from me we both agreed that we should call time on that relationship. That was about four years ago now and I've been single since.

The rest of my family, well they could all do one for all I care. I'm fed up of their bigotry and their judgement of my failure to procreate solely to fulfil their criteria on femininity ... my mother, probably she'd be okay with it in time, but I can't shake the fear that they would turn on her as well as me and that might ruin her life if it drives a wedge between her family and her. She's still big on family and I don't want to be the problem here. I've made it my mission in life to ensure she's well looked after, no matter how difficult it has been at times and no matter how many personal sacrifices I've been forced to make. I love my mother. I don't want to see her hurt, especially not because of me.

But I'm tired of living a lie. I'm tired of not being happy. Over the past few years, I've come to accept who I am. I've never thought there's anything bad about others being gay... it's just been difficult telling myself there's nothing bad about *me* being gay, or bisexual as I am. And truth is, I'm there now. I'm okay with being me. I've even plucked up the courage to tell a few people! Most of my "social life" comes from online gaming (I get out of the house maybe a couple of hours per month because of my mum's needs and the difficulties I have in arranging alternate care), and most of the people I talk to regularly I met through online games so there is something of a safety blanket I guess there.

My best friend though has remained close throughout all this time. She'd come by every couple of weeks, we'd have a couple of drinks, watch some movies, relax. At the end of last year, after a few drinks, I got talking about all of this with her. We actually spoke about what we used to do all those years ago and she explained to me that she stopped that because I never instigated anything, and she felt like she was forcing me to do something I didn't want to. And I did want to do it, I just didn't want to admit it back then.

Again, don't want to be too graphic but we started a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. We laid out some ground rules but we've both since broken them. For example, we agreed we couldn't increase the frequency of how often we see each other but we have.

I don't mind this. I'm happier when I'm with her. I've always been happier when I've been with her. She makes me laugh. She comforts me. She's the best friend I could ever hope for. Just this past week, I was feeling awful due to a lack of sleep (it's a regular thing with me) and she came around after mum had gone to bed, cooked for me, cared for me and made me feel so much better. She woke up before me the following day and didn't even disturb me, she just let me sleep because I needed it.

But I know because of my family, if I allowed our relationship to grow into something more, then I'd have to ask her to hide that. And I can't decide whether it is selfish of me to ask that? Or would it be more selfish of me not to give her the chance to say yes or no? We already have to be a bit careful but fortunately once we're in my room, I do have privacy in there and mum just thinks it's normal because she's regularly stopped over since we were teenagers.

But if we made the jump to being an actual couple, would it be fair on her to basically ask that for all the normal "big" occasions, we have to lie about what we are?

pigpen

Don't ever lie about who you are.. you deserve happiness as much as anyone and if this friend makes you happy.. go for it.. As for your family.. they live their life, your life is yours to live.

My youngest son is transgender.. if doesnt change how I feel about him, I don't care what he has in his pants or what he calls himself.. I want my children, all of them to be happy, healthy and feel loved.. That is what being a parent is.. loving your child and wanting their happiness.. if your parents cannot allow you that then they don't deserve you.

Don't hide and make yourself miserable.. that would indicate you are ashamed of being yourself.. your family cannot demand you find a partner then alienate you when you do..

Go for it.. be honest, be open and be happy!!

ViolaLass

So she would attend all big occasions with you but just be 'a friend'? You don't think someone would twig?

Have you tried seeing what your mother thinks?

tomtontom

Does your friend want to pursue a relationship?

I think it would be very difficult to have a meaningful relationship in secret, especially given how little private time you have. Maybe your family will surprise you? I had a similar issue when I met a black man - my family were completely against mixed relationships - but they realised they loved me more than their silly ill founded "principles".

Have you had a carers assessment? It might be possible to get some support so you can have more time to yourself.

onomatopoeia99

All other external considerations aside, do you want to be in a romantic relationship with her? It sounds like you do. Does she feel the same? If you both feel the same, then is the time to think about "what next?", first now make sure you do both want the same thing.

The way you write it sounds as if your feelings for her have already deepend beyond friendship anyway

Being (a) male and (b) heterosexual , the problems you face are outside my experience in every respect, but a general principle in romantic relationships, irrespective of the people they are between, is that it is your life and you should live it for yourself and the person you want to be with, not according to the prejudices of rest of the world. You have a chance at happiness, if she feels the same way you should both take it and ignore the bigots (easy for me to say, I know).

oh, and this way of thinking that your family members have:
They even see my "masculine" interests (I like sports, video games, action and horror movies) as being something I need to change because it's not appealing to a man...
is so strange to me, I can't understand who would not want a partner that they shared interests with. Such a person would have to be very insecure to want to keep their hobbies separate.

In any case, they are incredibly out of touch. Loads of women play video games nowadays, and it's not just youngsters, one of my closest friends is about the same age as me, and we met playng Everquest over a decade ago.

JIL

Your friend sounds like a partner, that any parent would want their child to have.
You deserve to be happy. Think about what you want and things then will fall into place.
I wish you the very best.

Lambyr

Heya. Thanks for the replies.

Pigpen, that was so sweet. Your son is really lucky to have such an understanding parent. All the best to him

I suppose it is a bit fortunate that I don't have to go to too many "big" things but the last few she has been the one to go with me. These were before we started anything. Mostly I guess having her go with me just plays into their idea that I'm a complete failure at finding a boyfriend... or even a willing person to knock me up!

And I suppose anyone who actually knows us knows we've been friends for so long that they probably wouldn't/don't suspect anything. Even during the Christmas get-together at ours, one of my family asked when/whether she'd be coming round at any point. I guess they just kinda expect to see us together? She's always made time for me at Christmas, and on my birthday, and all those things.

But whether they'd surprise me... I grew up only hearing the slurs for gay people. I'm not even convinced I've heard any of them utter the words "gay", "!!!!!exual" or "lesbian"... only the less complimentary alternatives. My mum, honestly... she'd probably be okay with it eventually but I don't believe they would.

I should probably be fair, it's not all my family but it's enough of them.

Whether she wants to pursue a relationship... I'm not 100% sure but I think she does. There's certain things she's done and said lately that to me seem to be feeling out where I stand on it and there's been an increase in messages and phone calls, and tone of those messages.

I guess at the moment I just wanna sorta get things straight in my head before anything moves further in that direction. If she doesn't, and I'm wrong, then that's OK and all this will just be a bit embarrassing for me... but I can live with embarrassment.

Obviously it'd be a bit difficult though we have some things working in our favour. Her job and my "hours" sorta coincide quite nicely. She finishes work about the time my "free" time (I say free time, it kinda is but I still have to keep an ear out for if mum needs any assistance in the night, it's why I don't sleep so well because any slight noise wakes me up because of worry) starts and my mum has always been very supportive of her coming over, and giving us space because my mum knows I don't get out much and I know she feels guilty about it herself.

A couple of weeks ago my friend was here pretty much every night - she'd come over after work, spend the night, pop back to hers about midday to go get ready for work - and mum thought it was great! But yeah I know it wouldn't work like a "normal" relationship... there'd be a lot of nights in front of Netflix, rather than going out and doing things and I have to admit that does bother me because I don't want her feeling like she'd be missing out on stuff because of me. And I do get that because of my situation I'd be asking a hell of a lot from her and I guess that's why I'm scared of... everything.

Oh and onomatopoeia99 - I had a bit of a rant to one of my close male gamer-friends about those silly remarks made by my family. He thought they were hilarious, because all of the things I enjoyed were reasons why he enjoyed talking to me! My family would call their views "traditionalist"... I'd call them something else entirely!

Homeownertobe

I suspect your mum already knows and is OK with it. Your other family can either like it or lump it. Be brave, be you and don't apologise. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and I think you'll be surprised at how people change when it's their loved one who comes out.