Is it okay to ask for same-sex relationship advice here?

Lioness_Twinkletoes

Lambyr wrote: »

But if we made the jump to being an actual couple, would it be fair on her to basically ask that for all the normal "big" occasions, we have to lie about what we are?

No, that is very unfair on her.

I am sorry your family are being so difficult but for me, it is easy. You live your life in a way that suits you. You deserve to be happy. I appreciate it is easier said than done, but your family will have to accept it. As a Mum with a daughter in a same sex relationship I can tell you all I want is for her to be unrelentingly happy. If the person that makes her happy is the same gender as her, well then that's great.

You don't have the right to make someone else unhappy by asking them to live a lie. That is grossly unfair and it will never work. You need to have the courage of your convictions.

JasX

Lambyr wrote: »

I did a Google search for lesbian support groups but they're either highly localised, clearly aimed at teenagers and young adults (in my 30s) or clearly "dating" websites.

PM sent.....

Grenage

Don't limit your life for someone else's sake. In the worst-case scenario that your family and friends disown you, you'd still be better off.

Lambyr

Hey again. Thanks for all the further replies.

Sorry if I miss out anything anyone asked. Have a bit of a headache today as someone decided to do some drilling at 8am and woke me up. Least I have coffee!

My friend's "out" status... I'm not actually sure. I don't think she's ever actually "announced" it to anyone but I know that she told her sister and brother what's going on with us. Not sure if she told anyone else cos she hasn't mentioned anyone else yet. I'm not particularly concerned or bothered about most people knowing. I've told a few people myself... not gone into too many details, just a kinda "oh I have a casual thing going on with..." you know? Even told my ex-boyfriend cos we've stayed friends and still talk about once a fortnight and he was supportive.

A lot of this is still all so new to me. I dunno whether maybe I need time? I guess I'm asking about this stuff now cos I've started to realise what I want, or rather what I hope for.

Cos of what she did for me last week I decided I wanted to go all out for her when we see each other on Saturday - planned a homecooked meal and everything. Went full on super-picky about choice of wine too! Probably sounds silly to most but it's effort I've not wanted to put in for someone for a while but I want to make that effort for her.

Also I apologise again but I may have given a rather unfair impression of my life! When I said I only get out a couple of hours per month, I was speaking about doing social things to be honest. I take the dog for a walk half hour to 45 mins a day so obviously I'm out the house for that.

I probably could get out a bit more cos its generally okay to leave my mum for an hour or so if I make sure everything is taken care of and she's safe first but its more a case of the people I used to spend time with are generally busy now at the times it'd be convenient for me. I still see them now and again, and we're good at blabbering away on the phone for hours but it is true my social circle did sort of move online over the last few years.

I had a carer's assessment thing done last year but it wasn't the most productive or helpful thing if I'm honest.

I did used to get more of a break but someone who used to look after my mum for a week here and there is no longer with us. I guess I might have been a bit slow to adapt to things. And I hate that I'm gonna say this, but I think if I'm honest, my mum has five or six years left based on what I've been told and what I can see.

I kinda try and ignore that but that knowledge is always there and sorta informs my concerns. I don't want mum to be hurt because of me... I know what these family members are like. I don't know whether its just cultural background or their religon - most of them subscribe to rather hardline Christian beliefs (and I'm sorry if that upsets anyone, I've no issue with religion and any other religious people I know are nowhere near their level of prejudice) - but I could honestly see them shunning my mother, or worse. They really seem to think that people do "wrong" things because of their upbringing, no matter how much I or anyone else can prove that to be a falsehood and they would view me as "wrong".

And I know it's pathetic of me. With anyone else I'll stand up for myself. With them I'm that scared little girl who was retreating because I remember some angry tirade from when I was a kid. It's so weak of me. And its stupid because I'm a woman in her early thirties who has to have everything worked out and when it comes to this I'm like a clueless, frightened teenager.

As you can probably tell though my thoughts are a bit of a jumble at the moment. I know one of the family is expecting soon and chances are that there will be a Christening and my mum will go down to stay with her sister for a week or so. It's happened before and the sister looks after my mum and the family chip in. Maybe when/if that happens and I get some time alone I can sorta process things.

TBagpuss

Hugs and sypathy for you. It's a very difficult position for you to be in, and I don't think that theere is a single right answer.

I do think that trying to keep a relationship secret or asking your partner to lie about who she is, and who you are to each other, is likely to put a lot of strain on the relationship. However, this may depend to some extent on how much you are likely to see the family members involved. If they are people you see very ocassionally then you may (at least initially) be able to 'hide in plain sight' - e.g. you don't actually lie, but you don't go out of your way to tell them either - for instance, if intrducing your girlfriend, you might say "This is Jane" rather than "This is my partner, Jane" or "This is my best friend, Jane".

Another option is to chose for yourself to reduce or cut your contact with those individuals, if they cannot accept you for who you are.

So far as your mum is concerend, I would be inclined to tell her the truth - it must be a huige strain on you to be spending so much time with her and to feel you have to hide who you are from her.

Talk to your girlfriend. After all, if you do continue with a relationship this will affect you both, so it is reasonable to involve her in the decision. You may come to feel that if you can be open with you mum, you are both willing to keep the relationship secret from other family members if you feel that there is a real risk that being more open may result in your mum being hurt by those people.

Have you considered speaking to FFLAG? http://www.fflag.org.uk/ They work with families of gay and lesbian people and you might find that they can help you in terms of how youi come out to your mum (if you decide to) and offer suggestions on dealing wit hteh wider family. The material on the website is promarily aimed at younger people coming out but I suspect that if you were to contact them you would find that they do have experience of older adults in your situation too.

onething you might find helpful to sit down and think about what the worst case scenrio is. Ifthe worst case scenario is that some of your wider family cut you out of their lives, then you may decide that is a price worth paying.

The only direct situation I have any experience os that of a friend of mine who is transexual. Some of her family could not accept this. She worked out a compromise whereby she would visit her mother but would never be there when other members of the family were present. It wasn't ideal, and I know it was hurtful for her that her mother was not more supportive, but for her, maintaining a relationship with her mother even thoug it meant being treated as a second-class family member was better than ending that relationship entirely.

Only you (and any partner you have) can decide what is tolerable for you.

Good luck.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

Lambyr, your situation sounds pretty awful with your family and all that. I still contest you have to do what is right for you, but I understand your concerns for your Mum and the flak she might get.

That said, I would still say that it's not fair to put your friend in a position where she has to hide who she is and her feelings for you. No relationship can flourish under the blanket of lies and secrecy. The way I see it, you have to decided whether to come out or not. If you decide not to come out to your family for your Mum's sake then you need to have a frank talk with your friend and lay your cards on the table so she can decide if she wants an undercover relationship.

Personally, even if she agrees I don't think the relationship will flourish - not under those circumstances.

System

This sad situation reminds me of the wonderful Miriam Margolyes

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jun/23/miriam-margolyes-gay-mother-stroke

Despite being educated, neither or her parents could accept that she was gay. She feels guilt to this day about 'coming out' to her mother.

It is a dilemma. Nobody should have to hide themselves away, yet at the same time we have to take responsibility for what we say, and to whom.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

avogadro wrote: »

Nobody should have to hide themselves away, yet at the same time we have to take responsibility for what we say, and to whom.

This last sentence has piqued my curiosity. Are you suggesting that there are occasions when a person shouldn't be honest about who they are and what they feel? If so, why?

System

Lioness_Twinkletoes wrote: »

This last sentence has piqued my curiosity. Are you suggesting that there are occasions when a person shouldn't be honest about who they are and what they feel? If so, why?

The other person may not be able to cope with what is being said to them.

Tigsteroonie

Just to add a thought - families can hold strong opinions but have been known to change those opinions when faced with a family member making a life decision