Is it okay to ask for same-sex relationship advice here?

Poppie68

You've got 2 options.... You tell them being 1 or the 2nd is hiding who you really are which will damage you and the rest of your life.
You can't live your life for others, you are just as important as them so why should they have any influence on who you are?
If you struggle verbally telling your mother write her a letter...Hopefully she will give you support when facing the others but to be truthful you need to be straight forward and tell them how it is and tough if they don't like it.

Lambyr

I don't think my mother knows anything at present. This hasn't been going on very long, and nothing has obviously changed yet.

I do wish I was strong enough to just tell my family to deal with it... but at the moment I'm not. I'm scared of them in a way, some of them anyway. I don't know why, it's just some of the things they've said in the past and the way they've said them.

It's taken me years to deal with this myself, to admit it to myself who I am and to be OK with that. And even when I did that I didn't think I'd ever actually want a relationship with another woman. I'm frightened this could cause some sort of huge blowup. I know I should put myself first for something for once in my life but it's that leap into uncertainty... that fear that they could turn on my mother, on me and make everything so difficult and hostile.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Mums can be tougher than you think, even if they are physically weak, you have a go at one of their babies and see how far you get.

You have as much right to a happy, fulfilling relationship as anybody else - whoever it is.

Obviously it's up to you, but if you have a good relationship with your mum, a) she at least has a rough idea there's chemistry there that she hasn't seen with your previous relationship(s) and b) she's going to want you to be happy, however that happens, so telling her might be scary, but could be a great relief for you. A friend says that when she came out to her foster mum, the reply was 'um, okay - I don't quite understand it, but I love you and if you're happy, that makes me happy'.

As far as social events go, there's no obligation to announce that you have sex with the person you attend with. If somebody outright asks, it's up to you whether you say you don't want to have that conversation or mildly say 'yes, she's my partner. Oooh, these canapes are delicious - have you tried them yet?' as though it's the most natural thing in the world - which being in love is, after all. Not everybody has a massive Coming Out Party with hundreds of beaming relatives in attendance.


When it comes to words you feel are offensive, yes, context is everything - but I would say that political correctness doesn't feature particularly highly amongst my friends, so a lot of terms you've probably heard solely as being abusive are also used in a completely supportive context.


Just live your life as best as you can and don't shortchange yourself for fear of what other people may or may not think.

Spirit_2

I know a married gay couple, where the surviving parent of one of them is not aware they are gay, nor that they are married.

The parent lives abroad and when the couple visit, or the parent visits them,they live a lie.Sounds ghastly but it works for them. It is the reason they keep a 2 bedroom apartment, to maintain a friends flat sharing smoke screen. In the parents culture/country gay relationships are a crime. They attend family get togethers as long standing friends and out amongst close friends and siblings resident in the country. They expect that on the death of the parent (not expected anytime soon) they will no longer visit said country.

So a variety of reasons for smoke and mirrors may exist, do whatever works for you. If being totally out does not suit for whatever reason, then be as out as you want to be. My friend has struggled with accommodating his husbands need for secrecy, but in many marriages we compromise for the sake of our in-laws.

sweetilemon

I would chat to your best friend and see if she would like to be in a relationship. Sounds like you pretty much are you've just not really discussed the exclusivity of it. I married my best friend, my husband, although the opposite sex I think it's the best grounds for a loving relationship. I don't think you should hide or shy away from your feelings or relationship stance. If you don't feel the need for a big announcement - don't have it. Just carry on with your relationship, don't hide it, but very rarely do you hear or people sitting everyone down to announce they are straight, so why the need when you're gay/bi. It's no crime and although family may not agree, that's their choice, the rest of the world won't care. (In a nice way!) As long as you are happy. I've never really found the need for the big announcements, you dont announce when your straight so why the big deal, celebs still feel the need to do a 'coming out' announcement...I don't get it, publicity? Why the need to make an issue? I don't really see the need for a label, but that's just me. Do what makes you happy. If it were me I would just carry on the relationship how you want to progress it and deal with any questions as the come but to be honest, it's no-one else's business.

A lot of the people I work with are gay, one of the new girls started and asked me who was and wasn't. ..I said I honestly don't know or care...its none of my business and wouldn't see anyone any different either way. Life is too short to live a lie. Good luck, hope you do the right thing for you.

Stevie_Palimo

Just wanted to say well done those of you that made the OP feel confident enough to open up here and to the OP just go with what makes you happy and if it was me I would just sit her down and ask her outright if she see's this going anywhere and what the future may hold, At least you get her perspective on things so that you can relax here to.

Sometimes it is the speaking up part that seems scary but to be honest with actually doing this will make you feel ten times better in yourself and could see this go a lot further for you.

Good luck OP and just ignore the family members who are stuck in the stone age, It is your life to live how you want.

Redacted

How do you think your friend will feel when you tell her you want to keep things secret? While I imagine some might agree, like the example above, I think it tends to be when there is an intention the secrecy will be temporary and in limited circumstances. From what you describe, only the two of you could know and there would be no end in sight.

I would find this hurtful, and would feel you were prioritising the feelings of family that you don't even appear to like over my feelings.

Historically, I knew a gay couple who hid their relationship from one of their families because the guy thought his family would cut him out of their life if they knew. It made things very difficult, and the relationship did not last. Subsequently, the guy told his family everything and to his surprise, they fully accepted him. I know not everyone ends up with that happy ending, but I guess you have to decide; what will make you more miserable? Losing your extended family, or losing this relationship over them?

bouicca21

Be honest. You might be surprised about the result. If your family love you, then they love you irrespective of your sexuality. If they don't, well they are not much of a loss are they? If it is difficult for them, that isn't your problem, it is theirs.

gwynlas

Well you've asked for and got some good advice.Coming from a small town myself I believe that women being together are more accepted than men. Is your friend known to be a lesbian or is she not out either? How you choose to live your life is up to you but for your own sake I think it would be good for you to have a couple of days off each week. Is there any way somebody else could care for your mother?

ravilious_fan

It's very difficult. You shouldn't have to hide who you are, and nor should your 'friend', but at the same time you don't want to tell close family something that you know they can neither accept nor understand.

They are unlikely to change. You are unlikely to change. It's your call how you deal with it.

On another note, I would say as a carer, do make sure you get some time to yourself