Money Moral Dilemma: Can my wife say no to her daughter's wedding demands?

TBagpuss

As others have said, your wife can say no, or she can decide (with you, if your finances are shared) what you can afford to, and would be willing to, contribute.

If she wished, shecould make it an outright gift "I/We will give you £1,000 towards the wedding costs"
or she could say "When are you planning to have the wedding? If you start to save, I will match your savigns up to £500 / £1,000 (or whatever)"
If she can't affford to give a contribution hen she shoukd say so, rather than letting it become a sore point.

I'd advice your wife not to borrow, herself, to fund a wedding, and she defeinialtey should not feel that she has to match what daughter's dad may give - she should give what she is comfortable with and can afford.

Obviously if she has no savings then there is nothing to stop her saying something like "I can't afford any thing right now, but if you are willing to put the weding of for a year, I will save £x per month so in a year I would be able to give you £12x towards the costs."

Jill_from_Swindon

If she's only 18, engaged to a student, and only known each other for six weeks - it looks to me as if this marriage is doomed from the start! Throwing money at such a wedding isn't going to solve the 'already tense situation' - I'd suggest your wife tells the girl that the couple need to take much more time over such an important, life-changing decision, and if they still want to get married in, say, six months she will match whatever sum they can come up with themselves. In the meantime the girl should make a genuine effort to get a job or some decent training. What about the young man's family - what's their take on the situation? And the girl's father?

pinkun

I was engaged at 18 after 16 weeks and have now been married 37 years so it does work sometimes! However we both worked and we paid for the wedding ourselves with contributions from parents towards buffet, cake and dresses. Our own daughter is now getting married and her and her partner are doing exactly the same as we did and we are contributing towards the dresses, the meals and the band. The bridesmaids are contributing towards their dresses also as are the ushers towards their suits.


There is of course the tradition but as stated above traditions do change to suit the circumstances. Also agree that a discussion with the other parent is 100% necessary.

sarah_loobylou

My parents (now separated) both have money set aside for my wedding (when it eventually comes... still waiting for that proposal!). They decided between themselves what it would be and my sister has already had hers when she got married about 6 years ago. They put a limit on it. It's generous (£5000 from Mum & Stepdad, £2500 from my Dad who's single) BUT I wouldn't dream of ever asking them for it, but it's nice to know it's there so that I can concentrate my own savings on a house deposit.

Li0nhead

My thought would be turn it on its head to the daughter:
"how much you planning to put in yourself?" Should be asked to the daughter.

You could offer to match your Daughters contribution.

That gives her an incentive to get off benefits.

pamR123

Of course your wife can say no and she should. This step daughter has no right whatsoever to demand money for her wedding and should be ashamed of herself!

angel549

Your wife (and you - as a married couple, it's a joint decision) can and SHOULD say no!!

Many parents still keep the tradition of offering to pay some or all of the wedding costs, or at least buying the dress for the daughter. BUT... that doesn't mean you have to! And you shouldn't be threatened into doing it.

If my parents OFFERED to pay towards my wedding I would be incredibly grateful. But I would NEVER expect it! Even though they paid towards my sisters wedding, I still wouldnt expect them to contribute to mine. Financial circumstances change if nothing else. All I would care about is that they were there on the day.

As an 18year old getting married, the daughter clearly wants to be considered an adult. So she should be adult about her decisions - don't get married if you can't afford it! She sounds extremely selfish and ungrateful. I get that your wife doesn't want to cause a rift, but to be honest, I think tough love is in order. If the daughter sulks like an immature child for 6 months and does the 'you cant come to my wedding' strop, who cares?! She'll grow up eventually.

Be strong, don't do it. If she is then nice about the whole thing and you can afford it, offer to contribute towards the honeymoon as a suprise later down the line or something.

#ToughLove

Fitzmichael

How has the relationship between mother and 18 year old daughter, who have spent their lives living together, become tense? Am I right to think it emanates from the daughter? Apparently she's at uni, so should be able to think and act rationally and unemotionally, but apparently isn't, so parents should do so and force her to reassess her position. Ask at what point she expects to be financially independent and what she bases that expectation on.
From their primary school years, I brought up my daughters on my own. I had a mid-level professional job. They saw their mother whenever they wanted and got on ok. At, I think, 13 I opened PO savings accounts into which I paid a year's 'pocket' money; of course, I met all reasonable expenses: cinema etc. Any exceptional expense I thought reasonable I paid for, and they knew what was reasonable - normal family life, I thought. We went on continental hols every year. In the 1980s, after A levels, they each found au pair placements in Europe and they improved their foreign lang fluency as well as visiting as many places of interest as possible, ie they behaved like independent adults should. I took each of them over by car and brought them back. They knew they had immediate call on my financial help but never needed it. Similarly at uni. There was still some funding, with interest-free loans available. As my father had told me, I told them that they should try to avoid all debt but for house-purchase, so the eldest was surprised when I told her to take the max loan. She was even more surprised to learn the reason: that it was 'free' money which could be put into the best savings account and she would be handed a nice sum of interest on it when she graduated and paid it back. She studied Law and Politics, and could never understand (nor could I) why she should get interest on taxpayers' money. They're both married (paid for own weddings but then got very valuable present from me), with mortgages but no other debts. They're still in touch with school-friends and none of them have risked debt in the way this 18 year-old has. Is she unusual or is there a generational change?

heuchera

pinkun wrote: »

I was engaged at 18 after 16 weeks and have now been married 37 years so it does work sometimes!

Don't want to sound rude, but things were very different 37 years ago. People rarely bother getting married at all these days (unfortunately), let alone at 18 and to a man you've only known for 6 weeks :rotfl:

Pollycat

Fitzmichael wrote: »

How has the relationship between mother and 18 year old daughter, who have spent their lives living together, become tense? Am I right to think it emanates from the daughter? Apparently she's at uni, so should be able to think and act rationally and unemotionally, but apparently isn't, so parents should do so and force her to reassess her position. Ask at what point she expects to be financially independent and what she bases that expectation on.

It doesn't say she's at uni - only that she's 18, on benefits and engaged to a student.

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My 18-year-old stepdaughter (who is currently on benefits) got engaged to a student after six weeks. She expects her mum and dad to finance most of the wedding and is putting great pressure on my wife to commit to naming what sum of money she will contribute. If she doesn't, this will be an on-going sore between them in an already tense relationship, yet my wife does not want to become a hostage to fortune.