Money Moral Dilemma: Can my wife say no to her daughter's wedding demands?

ButterflyLC

We are no longer living in a time where the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding. I personally have never understood why girls just expect their parents to fork out for their day. I paid for mine all on my own, with absolutely no help from anyone. I think your wife can absolutely say no to her daughter. I don't mean to sound rude, but just because she is on benefits, doesn't mean everyone else has to pay for things for her. And can I also assume that she is a student? If she can't afford a wedding now, then surely she can wait until she has graduated and has a job. I think if she sits her down and calmly says I can't afford to help, there's no reason to get annoyed. If you can, you could always buy the cake or pay towards something as a gift, but if you don't want to pay I think you are perfectly entitled to stand your ground.

Peter333

heuchera wrote: »

Don't want to sound rude, but things were very different 37 years ago. People rarely bother getting married at all these days (unfortunately), let alone at 18 and to a man you've only known for 6 weeks :rotfl:

Couldn't agree more. As someone said on here the other week, many years ago, many women (moreso the working classes,) got married as soon as they met any man who was reasonable. They didn't have to be perfect, or a millionaire, just as long as they were relatively solvent. In many working class areas/families/social groups/workplaces, women were thought of as a bit of a weirdo if they still single at 21.

It was not uncommon for a couple to start dating, and then be engaged within 3 months, and married within a year. Many women did this because they didn't want to end up 'on the shelf...'

These days, women have many more opportunites than they had 35-40 years ago, and they don't have to get married to be secure or have a fruitful life.

As for the OP. If it were me, I would state the amount I could afford. I do think it's incredibly out-dated though, to expect the bride's parents to fund the wedding. Whose idea WAS that? When my wife and I got married over 30 years ago, we paid for our own wedding. We would never have expected our parents to do it.

I do know about half a dozen people who DID fund the daughter's wedding (in the last 15-20 years,) and some of them they did resent it a bit, (and most of them were still paying for it 5 years later!)

IMO, if you loved your parents, and had any respect for them at all; you would not expect them to pay for your wedding. If you want to get married; fund it yourself. We have one daughter, and will help towards the costs of her wedding, but we will certainly not be funding the entire wedding.

My neighbour is on £55K plus in her professional job, and so is her husband, and they live in a £500K house, and they didn't fund their daughter's wedding; they bought the wedding cake and the wedding dress and paid for the flowers. HIS parents paid for the honeymoon, but everything else was funded by the couple.

What's more, there is no need to even spend a lot. You can literally have an entire wedding, reception, AND honeymoon for less than 5 grand, and that includes inviting your closest family and friends.

As for an 18 year old planning to get married to a man she only met THIS YEAR.... Jeremy Kyle show anyone?! :cool:

smudgepuss

It is possible for the OP to contribute to the costs of the wedding, and for that contribution to be most of the cost of the wedding. It's just that the OP's idea of what's an appropriate amount to spend on a wedding (and therefore their idea of 'most of the cost') sounds like it could be vastly different to their stepdaughter's idea!

I do think it would be wise to lay out what support (financial and otherwise) you're willing to give to the wedding early on in the planning process (once you've worked out what amount of support that is). That way you've managed expectations, and won't be subject to any 'you've changed your mind and ruined everything' arguements (hopefully). And the stepdaughter and fiance can cut their cloth accordingly.

missbiggles1

I cannot imagine why anybody would need to ask people's opinions on whether it's possible to say "no" to a child's demands for anything.

Ebenezer_Screwj

It doesn't sound a very good start to the marriage if the couple's finances are unstable. You don't say whether or not the groom and/or his family are making a contribution, but I would suggest you work out how much you can afford to give her on a once and for all basis and leave it at that. If she continues to pressure you, just say you can't afford it.

Pet50

She's on benefits?? Why is she not working? You don't get something for nothing and you shouldn't EXPECT help from your mother! Unless she shows some effort herself, I wouldn't give her a penny.

Pollycat

Pet50 wrote: »

She's on benefits?? Why is she not working? You don't get something for nothing and you shouldn't EXPECT help from your mother! Unless she shows some effort herself, I wouldn't give her a penny.

Maybe she's on some sort of disability/health benefits and is not fit to work.

killbill007

I think a bit of calm discussion between mother and daughter is called for to get a better understanding of her decision to get married at such a young age and after such a short time. If the mother is comfortable with her daughter's decision, then she may want to contribute towards wedding costs if she can afford it or agree to help in a saving's plan for a future date. If the request is really a demand for money, then I think this is a bigger problem and the 18 year old has a bit of growing up still to do and may need to gain an understanding of the value of money and how difficult it is to earn. Good luck.

RuthnJasper

I'd go with match funding - she saves and you match what she comes up with. And what about the groom and HIS family? Are they not offering to pay anything? What's their view?

It sounds like a nightmare-in-the-making...


OR, you could suggest that as your wedding gift, you will pay for the flowers and car hire.


But I'd probably stump up to the companies in question direct, rather than via the bride.


But there's also something to be said for gauging their commitment level; maybe you could take them out for a meal or a drink all together to chat about it? My best friend whilst I was at school got engaged to a lovely chap. Her parents scrimped and saved for well over a year, their spare room slowly filling up with drinks and bits for the reception, church and hall were booked, dresses and shoes all sorted... and then, three weeks before the big day, she legged it off to the USA and didn't contact her family for a year. Totally out of the blue. It was awful.


In the end she got married in her mid thirties to an American in his seventies. I severed contact after his friends started sending me messages via her Facebook telling me how pretty I was and how they'd like to meet me.


Sorry not to be more joyful about these impending hypothetical nuptials, but I can't see this one having a happy ending...

tallgirld

She needs to put her foot down and certainly should not commit to an amount.

If her daughter doesn't like it then too bad!!