Money Moral Dilemma: Can my wife say no to her daughter's wedding demands?

Former_MSE_Nick

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My 18-year-old stepdaughter (who is currently on benefits) got engaged to a student after six weeks. She expects her mum and dad to finance most of the wedding and is putting great pressure on my wife to commit to naming what sum of money she will contribute. If she doesn't, this will be an on-going sore between them in an already tense relationship, yet my wife does not want to become a hostage to fortune.

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helcat26

We paid for our own wedding but the circumstances you describe do not suggest the bride will do that.


The question is when is this wedding - months? years?


I think you need to be firm and say something like we can give you £1000 towards your wedding and when- if you can.


If not say you cannot contribute.


It is very important they do not plan something next year that they cannot afford in expectation that someone else will pay. They may need to plan a longer engagement to save up, but telling them now will stop them looking foolish.

BNT

Tradition is that the bride's family pays for the wedding. However, like all traditions, those things change over time and it is certainly not a hard and fast rule. These days it is just as common for the bride and groom to pay, or for both families to contribute. The tradition also is based on it being an event hosted by the bride's parents. That means their guests, their church/venue, their menu, choice of wine etc. It was not based on it being a party hosted by the bride and groom and simply funded by her parents.

gettingtheresometime

And what sort of wedding is the bride to be planning?

Talent

Only commit what you can afford, as always. Do not go into debt.
They will be back for more in the future....

scotsbob

Our local Registry Office charges £360 for the ceremony and that includes all the documentation. You stump up that and there's the wedding paid for.


If the couple want a party afterwards they can pay for it.


Alternatively, it appears that the lassie is simply asking what financial contribution the family might make so that she can budget accordingly. That seems a prudent approach to me. Why not give her an indication to help her planning.

coops678

Seems like only opinions can be offered here, best of luck with the solution:

Engaged after six weeks at age 18 rings alarm bells to me. I remember how i was at that age with my first love (thank goodness we never ended up married). Both are financially unstable and it reads like they are not planning to pay you back afterwards! It depends what kind of wedding your wife's daughter is looking for. Registry office and certificates cost £103.50 in Scotland, anything else above and beyond is optional. If its about getting married then little else ought to be needed, if its about a fancy wedding then again: alarm bells.... This is not about fantasy. If you are going to commit to this then I recommend you sit down and cost out exactly how much you would be willing to front and then stick to that (or half of the amount, assuming that her Dad is being asked to contribute too). A discussion about time frame would not go amiss too commiting to finance after they've been together one year (or two). Don't be held hostage by it, you are perfectly within your rights to say no. I will be saving for my share of the basivs of my wedding because it is my wedding, any extra cash given to us will only ever be a bonus for something fancy that we would not have originally planned for.

Anatidaephobia

Of course she can say no.

The daughter shouldn't expect her mother to pay for most/all of the wedding and she certainly shouldn't be pressurising her about it either. It's different if a parent chooses to contribute a gift but that is clearly not the situation in this case and the mother shouldn't be pressurised into doing something she's not comfortable with.

onlyroz

I would decide on an amount that you're comfortable with, whether that's a few hundred or a few thousand pounds, and make it clear that is the extent of her wedding present, but you would of course be willing to help with planning if necessary.

Weddings can be as cheap or expensive as you want - and a low budget wedding can be just as memorable and fun as a high budget one.

mgdavid

18 and engaged after 5 weeks?
And where exactly are the happy couple expecting to live?

maman

Why do we have to have these ridiculous hypothetical threads started by mse?


Surely there are enough threads started by genuine forum members.


I'm inclined to report them as Spam.;)