Money Moral Dilemma: Can my wife say no to her daughter's wedding demands?

gloriouslyhappy

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My 18-year-old stepdaughter (who is currently on benefits) got engaged to a student after six weeks. She expects her mum and dad to finance most of the wedding and is putting great pressure on my wife to commit to naming what sum of money she will contribute. If she doesn't, this will be an on-going sore between them in an already tense relationship, yet my wife does not want to become a hostage to fortune.

Rather than putting pressure on her mum to commit a particular sum of money, the mum should be putting pressure on her to prove her commitment to the relationship - engaged after knowing each other for six weeks and planning a big wedding while on benefits is simply ludicrous. Both parents (assuming they are still talking to each other civilly despite the breakup and having new partners) should sit her down for a frank chat along the lines of 'let's wait six months then see where we go from there', and if she insists on a quick wedding, then offer the basic wedding fees, around £350, and a small party for very close friends and family only, perhaps to be held in someone's home or a picnic in the park. If she objects, then it sounds like the fairy tale wedding is more important than the relationship, in which case it should be easy to say 'no' quite firmly.

Pauligirl

Your wife needs to tell your step daughter first to get a job, then start saving and that after one year she will match whatever your step daughter has saved plus say 20 percent

Elisecas

You don't sound like you think much of your step-daughter, and maybe that is fair. But she only has one mum and one (hopefully) wedding.

I think your wife would want to contribute if she can - it's her little girl's wedding. But nothing is worth getting into debt over and your step-daughter will either appreciate that or be required to get over it.

So I think a conversation as to how much you could offer contribute between yourself and your wife needs to happen. And then the offer is made, with a "We would love to do more but here's what we can do with love."

Don't forget there are creative ways to contribute: if you have a car you can offer to chauffeur the bride and bridesmaids on a dress hunt or hen night; you can offer a pre-hen night gathering at your house with drinks and snacks before they head out; if ambitious then your wife could learn/offer to make the cake; find a local photography student who'd take photographs and supply the digital files for a cheap hourly rate; make the wedding invitations; etc.

If she's as ungrateful as you make her sound, of course, none of this will work, but you will have offered and therefore you will sleep at night. On the other hand, you might find she totally gets it and is really grateful for you to be involved: let's try not to underestimate her just yet.

FreddieFrugal

Has your wife even met the fianc!?

Sounds very rushed, almost as if she just fancies having a wedding.

Could be wrong as don't know the details of the situation but going purely on what's been put in the OP, it doesn't sound like theres much evidence of this being a lasting relationship.

It's not because of her age. Lots of people get married very young, but that's generally to partners that they've been in a relationship with for a long time...not six weeks.

I know a couple who had a child together at sixteen, stuck with each other and got married and have now been happily married for 25 years.

Problem is the haste of the thing and the fact that she's being demanding about money.

peachyprice

mgdavid wrote: »

18 and engaged after 5 weeks?
And where exactly are the happy couple expecting to live?

Remember, this is all in MSE Cloud Cuckoo Land, designed to get people joining the forum

good_advice

I would wait a wile to see how committed they are to a wedding.
If a wedding then goes ahead I would have to consider all my children and come to a fair some of money that would be equil for every child. Look into my saving and give it great thought.

Teacher2

This is clearly not a marriage made in heaven given the youth and the poor financial health of the bride, the speed of the engagement and the precarious state of the relationship between child and parent. Eighteen and on benefits? It will not be the mother supporting this 'marriage' but the taxpayer.

I cannot see that such wrongheadedness on the part of the daughter can be reasoned with.

The convention that the bride's parents pay for the wedding has been superseded by massive social changes which put the ball firmly in the court of the couple-to-be. The 'bride' seems to be demanding money with menaces from her mother. For the sake of peace the mother might put a small sum into the wedding pot and attend the event.

This story (if it is real) portrays the ills of modern, liberal parenting. Children should be taught what is due to society, good manners and, above all, morals.

Xeorix

I know about traditions for who pays, but the first thing that came to my head was that I would never get married with the expectation that my parents would pay for it.

If I was lucky enough to have parents who could support and help us out financially then that's a different story, but to expect my parents to pay seems old fashioned and a bit rude if I'm honest.

pollypenny

This sounds like a romance from the 60s or even earlier.

Who on earth gets engaged at 18 now?

missbiggles1

onlyroz wrote: »

I would decide on an amount that you're comfortable with, whether that's a few hundred or a few thousand pounds, and make it clear that is the extent of her wedding present, but you would of course be willing to help with planning if necessary.

Weddings can be as cheap or expensive as you want - and a low budget wedding can be just as memorable and fun as a high budget one.

In many cases, considerably more so.